Tuesday, December 28, 2004

I had a dream last night, but the dream is much more vivid, and much more easily remembered than most of my vivid dreams. In addition certain symbols and events occured in their context, but I had not even read about what context they should be in until after the dream. So I am concluding that I'm getting a warning of my ill-behaviour.

Anyways I'll start off in chronological order since that's how I discovered things.

I'm in the office using the computer, and the prez brings what looks like a very large and elaborate gold necklace. They say it's the chain of Sodom, and that whoever wears will turn evil, and go crazy. Apparently, everyone takes the prez seriously and doesn't attempt wearing it. I kind of laughing off that the curse exists, put it on myself. The chain itself is kite shaped (so imagine a kite), with a cross across its axis (so connect opposite points of a kite), and where the 2 axis meet is a brace/circle for the person to clamp around their neck. After putting it on, I hear what seems to be the yelling of a mob flooding into my ears, and then my head. For a second, I can't stand it, but then I feel that I have changed, not with more angst, but I'm more serious about actually destroying the world, and I feel I have the ability and resources to do just that. However, one of my uni friends also hears the voices, and is begging (and screaming) for them to stop. I go to her, hold her, and quietly repeat "Concentrate on my voice." She stops begging and screaming, but in addition she has lost herself. Her eyes are glazed over, and seems to be a body without a soul, and it just stays with me now. Suddenly, there's a change of place, time (later), and happenings. I find that I'm about to rape her, and she is not resisting. I notice that she's not resisting, she still has the glazed look in her eyes and she really doesn't have a soul within her to allow her to do anything. I realize first that I'm doing 2 wrong things. First was initially that I was about to physically do something, but what was more painful was that I had already killed a person and I am a truly a bad person. The voices return, and everything around me disappears to darkness. I wake up after this, thought about it for an hour, and then actually woke up for the day.

Later on (as in research on the web before I update this), I find out that the city of Sodom in the bible is one of the cities of great evil that God destroyed. However, this story is often used against homosexuality for its line "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them" <-- supposedly there is connotation of rape here too. After reading this, I'm shocked to find similarity in the evil nature I felt I possessed in the dream, and the evil nature portrayed in the Story of Sodom. I've never read the story, since I only got up to the listings of people's descendants in Genesis and then stopped reading the bible. So reading a quick synopsis of the story, and seeing it's relation to the dream earlier seems more than just a coincidence to me. Anyways, on to other topics of conversation besides the ever so wonderful visions. I guess I can post the Obligatory christmas list. I won't make a journal cut/link for people since I'm SURE people are too lazy to click. From parents:
From relatives:

Merry Christmas ^^

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Oi, everytime I blog, it's because either lots of stuff happened, and I get a very long entry, or I have something to rant about and still make a very long entry. It's been a good 3 weeks since I blogged, and nothing really bad has happened since then (or if there was, I got over it quickly).
Anyways, first off WHY I haven't been blogging that much is that every university student has to STUDY! Not playing games, not partying, JUST STUDY! That's 1 whole week explained yaay ^^

The week after I've been playing about, relaxing for the extra week of break that I have. After the last exam (which was a breezer), went to a party with YAMA people. It was lots of fun, with the exception of staying awake the whole night. The following Wednesday I trekked back up to my hometown, and being in the sleepy state I'm in came 30 min late. I still made it on time to meet some of my HS friends, and we went around sitting in on classes, and talking to about what was well learned, and what wasn't. Went back home, and took some well needed sleep. Went back to YAMA much later than I expected to, to work on the computer. The floppy drive on that computer is screwy and couldn't read the bootdisk properly. So I copied the contents of the floppy (after several retries) to the C drive of the computer (plus the C drive was set to being a system drive) so that instead of booting from a bad floppy drive, it's booting from a good core C drive. However, after being able to reinstall windows, the computer now always thinks that the C drive is an emergency boot disk. Oh well, so you get the extra ramdrive components to the computer. It's okay as long as the computer boots in windows. I need to find the videocard drivers, and the internet settings to fix the computer up more because the computer right now is on stand-alone status, and the computer is on 640x480 in 16bit colour.

While I was fixing the computer, Dad called me up to tell me he's at the apartment. I told him it's fine, and I'll be coming to the apartment tonight. When I did come home (11:00PM) there was nobody there, and I was puzzled why he wasn't around. I find out later when I do come home that my dad uses this place to do basic cleaning and eating (since he works very hard and to late hours too now).

Friday was sort of a blah day. I woke up very late, got to the meeting later than I said, was pinned in the head by a shooting star (ouch). And played games with YAMA people until it was over.

The weekend was good, as I played with my little brother for most of the weekend. Dad bought me a laser printer to use (yaaay no more smudging printouts), Dad was equivocating (A LOT TOO) about whether to buy the P93 Sony camera for $330, or wait for the S500 Canon to drop from it's fairly okay $450 price. I like the Canon S500, but the price is quite hefty. Dad was thinking of buying the P93, but if we bought a proper sized memory stick with it, it would still round out to the same price as the S500. So, Dad says to wait until boxing day for us to fight our way through the crowds for a marked down S500 ^^

Monday I went out with my friends Downtown, and at first NaCH3C00H (that's his username on xanga) was complaining at outside being freezing when we walked 10 minutes to the bus terminal. We then took the bus to the subway, and the subway down to Eatons centre to shop. It was already kind of late when we got there, and most of the time we just browsed around. We went through the whole shop, and there wasn't much to look at. Everything was grossly marked up for the desparate shoppers. Browsed around, and then we went to NaCH3C00H rez to pick up what? A NAMETAG! Well tainted_white, and I wanted to see how his rez looked like (nice place). After that we walked halfway through all of Downtown to find someone at Chestnut rez. We didn't find the place, and we were frozen from walking everywhere. Eventually we went back up, and we didn't have time now to go to p-mall so we just went back up to our local Loblaws, bought some food, and went back to cook. After the cooking, it was pretty late, but we still hung out together for a while.

Tuesday was pretty idle, as I slept in, made m brother food, did some calc, started a conversion, played the piano, and did chores. It was mostly a relaxing day.

Now I have to finish converting a video in impossible time, and get to another gathering (with more of my HS friends this time) that is in 3 hours.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Hmmm, not sure what I can do to make this entry structured. This week was pretty random and full of itself. I guess the most structured way of starting is list what's happened, and then write something about each. I had my bio midterm this week, spent 3 days playing and fooling around, learning to do office hours, had a weird dream, found out one of my grade school friends died so early, ate out alone, and I'm alone in my apartment to study ^^

Well the Bio Midterm was okay since I did get above average this time, and I wasn't at average. I got 74% which is pretty good considering the class got a really bad average of 55%. BUT the deviation is + or - 16% so I'm still within a huge chunk of people. Atleast I can say now that I'm in the upper half of the bell ^^

I spent 3 days playing games and not studying. I felt bad at the end of the day as I could have done something, but I didn't feel like working. Well, now I'm back to studying, catching up on economics before the midterm, and I'll be doing chemistry tonight. There's only 4 units in chemistry and I'll make sure I know them by the time saturday comes around. I wanted to start economics earlier, but I didn't gather up enough resistance against the video games lol. Yeah, so I'm studying now.

Office hours could have been lumped up with the above paragraph since I was playing video games in the office, but when I mean office hours, I mean when I'm by myself and there isn't a soul around. It's pretty quiet there, and it's a pretty good to study. I got through a chapter of study while I was there, even though the chapter was worth 2 presentations.

I don't remember when, but it was sometime this week (I think wednesday) that my best friend told me that one of our grade school friends died in his sleep on monday. I was shocked that it happened so suddenly and abruptly. In terms of managing the event occuring, I haven't thought too much about it since I have exams coming up. HOwever, what does go through my mind when I think about him is the good times that we went through when in high school, and even better in elementary school ^^ He was a good person, and I'm sure he's in a much better place.

Weird dreams happen kind of frequently now, and I don't know why, in addition, the next day I got a strange text message too. The dream I had was that I was walking through a LEGO exhibit, and I get a call or a message that there are 5 bombs in the exhibit, and they look like toys too. I was worried so I looked for the bombs, and found that they were PS1 consoles plugged and ready to explode. I immediately just pulled out their cords, and that diffused all of them except for 1 bomb which activated a quick timer. Having about 4 seconds to get rid of the bomb, I threw it to another room, closed the door, and ran for cover. When I came back to the exhibit to check on the exhibit, I found that the bombs were replanted and this time it was getting harder to diffuse them each time I cleaned them out. I don't remember how I woke up, but still that was weird. Then during the YAMA showing, I got a message on my phone saying

"Make up your mind, you have to choose a path."

So that was kind of weird too.

Anyways, friday was kind of dull as while I was going to uni again and waiting for the bus, Chow happens to be at the station too, so I meet up with him. Anyways while on the bus I received a call from a private number, but I didn't know I was getting a call since I left my phone on silent. When I got to the office it was same as always, when everyone left, I studied. George came by and I got a snack to eat. When I left and waited at the bus stop so I could go home after office hours, I saw yet another person that I recognized, but I didn't want to get out of line just to say hi and I was hungry.

When I got back home I went out to eat at the Korean place across from where I live, As I was waiting in line (yet again), I bumped into one of my friends who is still in high school. She asked me how university was and I told her that it wasn't that easy. She left after a small chit-chat, since she didn't want to wait to eat. I stayed in line and waited to be seated. I didn't know what I was ordering, and I ordered a vermicilli that was very spicy. Unfortunately there was no milk, so I couldn't eat the whole thing as my mouth was burning with spice already. I packed it up and went home. When I got home it was still messy, so I cleaned everything up in half an hour (expecting family to stop by in 45 minutes), but they didn't show. So I just thought

"Hmmm they're probably letting me study this weekend."

Now, I just thought of something, it's sort of a theme for this week that is most prevalent. I felt it while I was alone in the office, but I felt it the most when I was eating at the Korean restaurant. In the restaurant while I was waiting or eating I felt a very strong sense of loneliness. Here I was, in a restaurant where there's lots of chattering, and laughter. I'm the only person in the restaurant that requested a table for 1 person. I didn't want to think about what I needed to do or what I should do. I've done all that already, and the only things that were on my mind that night was

"When John is left alone, he's truly alone."

I know I'm on my own, and that's why I spend most of my time in the company of people at university, and most of my time at university. I haven't actually felt the loneliness of where I am until now. When I come home early. This apartment is empty, it only contains those of the family bloodline. Pure in that there hasn't been anyone to blemish it, boring in that there hasn't been anyone to decorate it.

Anyways I've finished up a chapter of Econ, and watched some anime, and went to bed. That was the whole week. It's Saturday now, and I need to go and buy supplies for the house, and study gas laws.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

It's been a long time since I posted here, and I'm posting here again because I might be creating accounts or another account from blogspot or blogger again for YAMA. I'm quite busy as well with uni, YAMA, fencing, and the like. Got no crushes, since I was shot down before I could do anything, abstaining from such feelings since I need to wait and let things come naturally, and not force feed it. Don't got much to say, except for stuff in my dreams blog, and stuff in my LJ which is the same alias name with the last letter changed to j.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Stuck in a jam, working hard and fast, destroying things hard and fast, life's a sine function, remember that. I'll come back whenever it's a trough or crest again. Life's rough currently

Friday, September 17, 2004

Hmm, it's been a good long month since I last said anything. Actually it hasn't because I just ignored copying and pasting updates from my LJ to here and my other pages. University has started, although I still have not had a FULL week of classes. We start early than everyone by 3 days, but we have an extra 2 days off this week because of religious holidays. So it balances out. Classes have been okay, I don't really meet a lot of people, because I tend to just pay attention to the lecture and nothing else. Labs start tomorrow, so I wonder how those will be. My homework is light, or that I just do it efficiently, or that it's plain easy to me. Outside of lectures, I've only talked to a few people, made a few friends (which will probably increase as the semester continues). One of them is a very outgoing person that I met on Wednesday. She's very expressive, and we seem to be able to kill lots of time just talking to each other about life, or society in general. That's about it, I have econ and chem to do. Study for bio I should do to and that's it.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Yah, it's late at night that I'm starting this, because I tried to finish a section in my calc textbook, but I didn't understand most of it. I don't understand why HK makes concepts as simple as domain and range, and inverse function complicated. There's no need to throw set theory into it, and it doesn't save on paper, and it just confuses people about set theory as well.

This isn't the main reason for my rant, and I don't usually have this much to talk about or blabber out here during the week. It's about me getting my report card and watching my grade in Discrete drop 7-10% (I don't remember my mark going into the exam except that it was around 77-80%). Yes I bombed the Discrete exam, and I felt really bad about it when I left the exam room. I already said I think I failed it and people replied with "It's okay, you tried your best, that's all that counts. Besides it's over, relax." Even my parents said that after the exam, and I told them I think I didn't do well. So I did cheer up, I did move away from those thoughts. When I got my report card, I was first surprised it dropped so much, but I wasn't surprised that I did badly on the exam (47%). My old time friend came by, and we had fun discussing games, and playing on the PS1 like we did when we were younger, and when PS1 was the best console present. I told my parents honestly during dinner that my marked dropped so much, and they first didn't say anything because my friend was with us during dinner. After he left, I don't remember how it started, but right afterwards I was yelled at for my laziness, I take for granted that I'm not pressured (hey I'm being yelled at here for a drop in grades, isn't this pressure to do better by insulting me), that my friends work harder for so much smaller and are much higher in grades than me(does that mean I should cut contact with all my friends that do better than me?), that I shouldn't need to study because my dad didn't need to study and can get 100%, so I should have been able to do that too.

I'm sorry I can't get 100% without studying. The best I can do is a 97% on a test that was meant to see our presentation of mathematical proofs. I'm sorry I'm not hard-working and cynical like my sister when it comes to academics. My mind wanders, or it tires easily. I can't be truly cynical because it's not my character to be like that. I'm sorry I don't seek help because I really do know the concepts and I can do it if I'm not under pressure. I'm sorry I believed everyone when they comforted me with "don't worry about it," because that was a lie, and I should have hurt myself for knowing I did badly. I'm sorry that my best isn't good enough for anyone, it's mediocre, and I guess that's all I can be.

Perhaps I should have taken advantage of that special considerations and asked for a time extension. Perhaps I should have not done any extra-curriculars, as it wouldn't matter to anyone. I'm easily replaceable, and they don't have to worry about the special bad things about me (Lupus). Perhaps I should not have made new friends this year so I could maintain focus. Perhaps ...

"Perhaps I should " is too late, and it has happened. I've been insulted to the point of being ashamed that I'm always in the presence of absolute intelligence, but I am not able to achieve what they can. I can't express any of this because I haven't the proof, or I'm denied that it is truth, or I'm told "don't think about others, think about yourself!" (This is useful, if I'm not constantly compared to others by people around me).

Here's what I hate about being middle of everything. My best is mediocre, it's not good enough for anyone. Bad things happen, and I feel bad. I know it's going to get worse when I tell I did bad, or when family sees I did bad. So I can't escape it. When I've done wrong, and it is known, it hurts to know that I made a mistake, again. It hurts more to know that people like to jump on it and crush me more (some people in school that I hate fervently, and my immediate family). When I'm down, and tell myself I know I did wrong, I'm told to cheer up, only to be hurt again when results come back, and I didn't deliver. When I tell the truth, I'm not noted for honesty and promptness. I'm noted for the mistake I made and the punishment that is deserviing of the crime. I know my family is trying to help me, but it's not helpful to insult me, and to compare me to everyone else. This isn't deserving of a memory because it's bad stuff, I get this very often, so you'll probably see something similar later in my life or in the year.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

ARGH! I got bad timing again. Well just a description of the context of my subject first: When I play first person shooters, I always come out when an enemy is about to run out of ammo. ABOUT to run out, they're not actually out of ammo at the time I come out of cover, so I get shot and die. Same with online games where I'm about to enter a corridor, and I enter in the strafing motion, I still die, the enemy is on opposite wall I'm entering so I'd have to turn and shoot them which takes longer than the guy to click his mouse and kill me again. That's why I don't like First-person perspective shooters.

Anyways on to the main rant. I have very bad luck and super-duper bad timing. It's the reason why I'm discouraged now to hold gatherings. Nobody's available when I organise, unless I hold one every week consistently so I can hit the right spot. But really, I don't have time to do that as it takes me a lot of effort to first tell my parents, and the plans of what we'll do, then to clean the house from its usual brotherly bombed state (ARGH he is too messy, and the house isn't always as clean as people see it), and I assume that no answer means people don't even know that I've set a gathering up (which is often the case!).

*sigh* I'm not mad at anyone, so I'd like the people I invited not to say sorry. It's not their fault, it's my fault for even initiating such an event. I'm just mad at my bad timing again. It happens. It's kind of sad for me though as I'm staring to not remember the voices of my friends anymore. I still kind of remember them, but they're faint, soft and quiet.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Setting out to do something is always the most stressful of all times

Well, the past week has been relaxing, went out and enjoyed myself a few times here and there.  The usual conflicts and yellings.  Not sure why, but Canada Day was really tense.  The night before dad was stressed because we had to send off sis' documents to her.  We Xpressposted it, even though I told my dad to use Priority courier -_- I know it's not going to be on time.  Then Loblaws gave us crap by not letting my dad in (Hey it's 8:30PM, we can get a bag of of milk in less than that time).  Well Dad was really pissed off about that, and then he sort of didn't calm down the rest of the night.  Mom and dad had an argument late night, and its intensity was maintained today. 

Achieving something is hard only when there is no initiation to start up.

The day itself was spent packing, and cleaning, and learning to cook yaay =D The night itself was okay, went ot see spidey 2 and then expel all the fireworks in my backpack.  They were cheap, they weren't very fancy, but hey it's my first time handling explosives.  Simple is good for beginners.  J asked to see my phone, I didn't know he was looking for A's phone number and copying it.  Rude to be scanning my phone book like that.  Well he got her number, and well I knew I was going to be on one of A's lists because of my carelessness.  Played some games at C's house, and then got a ride back home.  When A got online, I told her the truth, even though it was a bad time, I'd much rather tell her ASAP then for her to find out and THEN kill me.  Well, I certainly got a yelling, A was already in a bad mood about earlier matters and telling her this made it worse.  I changed the subject a bit, then asked a question that was relating to school because I forget lots of things, and that's why I ask again.  Anger came about because A thought I was going to use what I asked to make fun, and belittle them.  I wasn't, I was just curious and wanted to know.  I have no motive or anything, now I know what M means by I'm paranoid or analyze and think too much into things.  I talked back saying things that M had told me, and I thought about deeply about what I should do about weaknesses in my character.  Told A that, and got a sorry, but then the character of mine's was split by what I have learned, and what I am accustomed to.  Paranoia vs acceptance.  I chose acceptance in the end though because I want to give ourselves hope of continued friendship, and myself hope for improvement. 

As distant as one is from their origins, one is always drawn back to their roots to find identity

I'm going back to HK for a few weeks to see my relatives (all of them).  I'll probably spend quite a bit of the time playing with my cousins, or be a good cousin for them to look up to.  I hope we can visit our village again, and I'm curious as to what my heirloom was/is and our family history and tree that is somewhere in the village.  Past stories I don't often hear, as we're too caught up often arguing about each other's past mistakes and faults.  Well I won't be around online for a month on MSN, ICQ or Yahoo IM.  I'll check my mailboxes, and maybe update here if I have the time (don't expect very often though).

Until next month then, wish me a happy and safe vacation, and I hope you well in the future too.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Life is a sine/sign.

To the individual, life is a sine curve. To the rest of society your life is a sign of greatness. Everyone posssess greatness of something. In kindness, and in strictness. In optimism, and in pessimism. In strength, and in weakness. Greatness in all things is why a society can neither have complete peace, nor complete chaos. Thus is the balance of the world we live in.

Just an introductory paragraph that to say the least I have had a complete sine cycle. I"m back to normal as earlier I was at the trough of my sine earlier this week. Lots of people have reflected in the past now, I kind of did that earlier. I don`t know if I`ll add anything in the future, and if I do, I don`t know what. I just currently know that I`m headed to great deeds (good or bad is up to the events I allow in the future, look at the next entry).

Saturday, June 12, 2004

What I regret in life is not that I tried and got hurt, it's what I let pass and never found out.

I haven't come back here since the last good thing because I've been extremely busy in the past 2 weeks, and mainly enjoying the company around me while it's still here. Well okay not really enjoying the company around me as everyone disappears to places that I will never know of (probably sleep in hahahaha). Well this turned out to be a long reflection on the year before exams, thanks to those that have blessed me with meeting them, what's to come, things I've learned, and a reflection on how my life has changed throughout the years.

Let's see, the last entry was right after Prom, so I'll start with that crazy cram afterwards. Everything due, and not enough sleep. in the middle of that, I had to take a trip to town. It had the usual hospital appointment and a needed appointment for my own future the next day. I missed my test for Discrete because of the hospital appointment, and I missed everything about the project for IB, and sort of couldn't give support to my partner for CS. Well for CS it worked out as I cover her for 2 days as well. Most of it is kind of working too. There's still a few NullPointerExceptions, and other bugs to work out. I guess I was spared the disasterous test as I saw a few of my classmates results, and the make-up test was EASIER than the quiz we had yesterday! Woohoo, for intellect, now beat me for my lack of physical activity. I couldn't go to today's water practise, but I spent that time, lugging my 16lb bag across the community, and riding my bike all over the place. I deposited the reimbursment for Robotics, and I sent off my decline to UofT.

Back to the week earlier, well we had our year end parties for clubs such as Engineering and Robotics. The athletic awards assembly was a slight surprise, although not quite since I had advance warning earlier from the supervisors that I SHOULD GO, and so should M. I'm thankful for the award, but my focus will not change. We are a team, and for that to work, I have to be with them if we want our best to come out.

Robotics has ended this year on a partially okay note. It was a really good year in terms of people coming for the 1st semester. The only thing that disappointed me was that people gave up on the club at the start of 2nd semester. Last year was kind of similar, but it started late, and we ended off with a great end. I've advised next year's leader to finish what we've left off, and make a good manager for the club next year. I've been in that club for 3 yrs. Its first year as a participant and back up driver to Patrick. The 2nd year as an organiser of an interschool trip between Bayview and I. And this year as the leader representative for our competition at the Science Centre. We did accomplish alot, and even though it is sometimes unmentioned, it is one of the most memorable places I've been. I'm glad to have met everyone there, and I hope them the best in the years to come.

I've finalized my decision to go to York. In Discrete I took out my stuff because we weren't doing anything in class, and it'd be nice to see everyone's opinion into my decision. Hehe, well just about everyone there instantly said "GO TO UofT!" Hahaha, yeah UofT has the prestigeous fame of the best, and I guess that's what draws people. As soon as you're in, you have that fame and pride to say you're from UofT. I guess there's a great deal of people who really want that so that they're not the mediocrity of society as they think they are. Well guess what, if you can go to UofT, you are definitely not mediocre. I'll give you a small congrats now, but like Mr. Ross has said, and he has quite a bit of wisdom to follow, I know that it's not getting in that's the hard part. It's surviving the 1st year that is the problem. Mr. Ross gave us a story on Thursday about his frien Mr. Mcleod (not sure the spelling) who he was friends with, who failed accounting, and failed algebra, but persevered through them to pass. He also didn't know that he'd be a Chartered accoutant, and he'd be able to make a dot com business that earned millions in its peak. We also all know that nobody anticipated 9/11 and he was blessed by God to not have been in the WTC when it happened. He thought he'd be a comp sci person for his life, but it turned out he is a rich chartered accoutant, that in his current lifetime has gone through many events. The moral of the story which I hope people got was that our lives aren't set in stone even for university. It can direct 1 way, but there are tons of possibilities beyond that single path. I'm looking towards a Masters, or a PhD beyond my undergrad because I want to be able to control what I want to undertake and do in this world.

I know I'm smart, and I've noticed that people have realized certain potential within me that only my family knew earlier in my life (when I was changing batteries at 6 months old, freaky isn't it). I usually push my limits to the extreme because I was boxed in and cradled for a good deal of my life. However, something that I'm very afraid of is the inability to provide for myself. My life is fragile I realize, and that there are many ways to achieve what I want. This time in my life, I'm still not taking an "easy" route, but atleast I'm not taking a "suicidal" route that to normal people is achievable for the fittest and cunning (often evil wins over good and honourable here) ONLY. I'm not competitive to that degree, and I'm naive and honest still. Why am I like this? I'm not really sure, I've had evil strategies and thoughts that nobody would think of (well except maybe Hitler), but I don't want to employ those because it is destructive, and well just as Hitler was like the devil, it would make me a devil too. Thus I become a worker for this evil man, and not to God who has given me 2 things that not many have. 1 of them being is that I am an enduring sign and spirit in the eyes of my family. I was born when my parents had no money, I lived in one of the worst places of the city (actually my best friend then lived in the building where most of the homicides happened), and I was the one born with the greatest of ailments. The 2nd thing being that I am intelligent, and honourable. My sister always finds it baffling that I am honest (and often very gullible), and I still keep my optimism of society and people around me despite the news, and all that has hurt me. She envies me a bit because I have natural intelligence, while she had to work hard. And she finds hope in me that I did not use my illnesses to spoil myself to get what I want as does about 90% of the patients at the hospital.

I've got 2 days left of school, exams and then I will most likely only see my friends here online. I've enjoyed their company a lot, and this has been the best year I've had thus far. This is where I wish we had more time. The little space of time inbetween exams and when we all part for our summer trips. 3 things I want to do during that time, just to close off the year before we part, and meet again next year or maybe elsewhere. Those are to: follow the events that my friends would like to do (beach seems to be the only thing currently), take them to a place where I know they'd like (anime store), and have 1 last grand slam of a time with my friends in the comfort of a personal environment (my house, or someone else's house? and for far into late night again =D). I was thinking of having an LOTR marathon as I now have all 3 movies hahaha, that'd be 9hrs of movie watching on my BIG screen. I don't think I can get all 3 done because I have lots to do, and like M, L, and a few others, we don't get off from exams until the last day. I've noticed that everyone has lots on their mind, some of it even just popping up when we don't want it too (annoying isn't it). Well, I hope we can all stay connected. I'll try my best to keep these friends, as these friends (MY, KL, LH, SY, CK, AT, LK, MH, YLS, AP, VC, FL, SE, and many more), are the ones that have actually made me feel like myself, and not just a student. Thank you everyone.

I'll make an analogy to my front lawn. I am the the tall Spruce tree in the the lawn. My acquaitances are represented by my grass, they exist, but are the same and small. My friends are the border flowers, they are there, in not such great numbers as my acquaitances, but they are and beautiful, and add compliment and colour to my life. My family are the Peonies, always supporting and helping when I need it the most. The ones I love, or have loved are the tulips that from now on, will grow tall, and be bright and full at exactly the week before my birthday. The Spruce, and the house are plain without the grass and the garden.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Hahaha, funny warning quiz

linus11vf1j may actually be a spider-human hybrid


From Go-Quiz.com

Saturday, May 29, 2004

What hurts the most, is courage coming with tardiness. Be thankful for your second chances

Somewhat of a different saying for someone that is still hyper and happy from Prom. Well let's start with the beginning of the day. Everything is fine except I felt like someone out of hicksville town, and not knowing where to go to find the right buses to university. I find it, and well I already missed 2 buses. The campus itself isn't very dense, but the amount of space it occupies is tremendous. So my poor flat feet feel fire (Oh, look at the alliteration =D). While getting my package, I meet someone going into the exact same program as me. COOL coincidence! Well, went out to buy an electronic Dice for IB, and then tried heading back home. Unfortunately, I was dropped off at Langstaff and Bayview instead of Langstaff and Yonge. Thus delaying me an extra hour of time. Oh well, got home eventually to still, cut my hair, iron my shirt, and get everything else ready. Getting to the limo was good, it was already there when I arrived ON TIME =P Well, it was worth the late wait since the late ladies blanked the guys minds out in a first appearance. Left a bit later than expected, but we got there on time. Princesses to take note of: little, classy, traditional, royalty with servant taking the bus HAHAHA, blue and simple, and lastly cheerful orange for Mr. PMS (hehehe). Also add pretty and cute to all of the above. If I missed any, beat me up. We still arrived on time. A few pictures and all, hmmm I wonder if the others got their photos done? Bleh if A and I are the only ones, and that was a scheme, BOY will I store the photos deep down in the centre of the earth. J/K, I'll treasure them as much as life. S and his "friend" (DATE) took photos too, and seeing S turn bright red during the position hahaha, I just wish he'd perhaps smile. I also wish I could smile nicely on demand myself. I think I messed up the 2nd photo. Oh well, maybe it'll be airbrushed with improvement or something. The place was very nice, food was okay, and I need to tone down my standards. I still stink at dancing, and I really don't look where I'm going, or what I'm hitting with my arms. Sorry everyone, well things'll improve eventually. Now to that little quote at the top. First the soft music, UGH I missed asking once, because I'm at the other end of the banquet hall, and she went to dance already, that's okay, but there's NOOOOOBODY around either. SAD, tardy, and felt lonely. So I looked out, and up at the sky just to get my focus and personality back. 2nd time, LAAATE because I took a deep breath, and she picked someone. OMG I'm such an IDIOT and a bad "designated date". So I punch my head for being weak. 3rd time! No other chances will be given I think, and I WAS RIGHT! Phew, 3rd time charm? Lucky ducky I am. Oddly in the midst of many eyes too (covers profile and looks away). Bah, who cares, I came to have fun, and have fun with a friend too, so well, erm yeeah, once was how shall I say this, it's kind of hard to describe a success from courage like that. Because I never had a success like that before. So, anyways, it was fun, except i was stepping on her toes I think (so ashamed, I can't even do side-to-side slow dance, how will I ever learn to waltz?!). Kind of silent, except for the odd school talk of the class we both skipped today hahahaha. Piccies I have are from the beginning limo ride as all my outside before limo ride photos were screwed up by bad settings. And I didn't take photos during the event because I'd much rather try to have fun. I kind of don't like active photo taking because you're concentrating on trying to find a good shot, and not enjoy the times. So I have photos at the end before we leave, and the whacky ride back. The girls weren't even drunk yet, but they were soo hyper in the limo. Too much softdrink, anyways, came home to find that I didn't shut my computer down AGAIN, baaad I should shut it down to not give the impression that I'm still around. Well everyone knew in advance I wasn't around, so it was okay too. That's about it, a grand night that I wish lasted until the time I wrote this entry instead of the 12:00AM mark. See you all sooner or later.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Everyone is born with selfishness. Kindness is a trained characteristic. You can't be born with this.

It's been more than just a few days since I last posted, so I thought I might try and just say what's on my mind. Generally, I've been feeling bad lately. Everyday I see 1 of the 2 awards I've ever received in my life. 1 for Chemistry, and 1 on Friday the 14th for a valiant 3rd among about 96 teams. I probably did help in the preliminary robocode rounds for my partner soko. He ran to the walls and stayed out, while I was always tossed in the middle of the fray of crossfire. Took out 4 of the 7 tanks (sometimes including soko), and then went kamikaze afterwards. He got to 1st since he took less damage than I did, and I ended up 4th. Then when finals came, we ended up 3rd, and that was on his own. So receiving this award for 3rd, I don't feel right. I don't feel I deserve the title of 3rd since I really am not 3rd. As for the chem award I got a while ago for 2nd place. I don't feel I deserve this one either because there was a lot of duplication in the tasks. We all knew what we were doing, and I was merely tossed with a copy job of one of the members. And we didn't even get the final answer right. We just bluffed our way to 2nd. This medal should actually go to my friend that got it right on.

Also, I'm a dissappointment to those around me. 2 of my team members have no space on their e-mail addresses for me to send the information to them, 2 of them said "We'll try to print it out" and instead they were actually just praying that I'd do my usual save their sorry @$$es from peril. Well I was going to save everyone's @$$ if I wasn't exhausted from working on the damn thing. 2 and half hours of downloading MS Publisher, 1 hour of typing, and 30 minutes of formatting. Yes, the team got pictures (2 of which were corrupt, and I replaced them), and they did the poster while my report didn't get handed in because I woke up late (I need a minimum number of hours of sleep or I don't function). So I let my entire team down because I wasn't able to hand it in the morning of because I was in a rush to get to my bus for Engineering Olympics. I let down my team captain for d-boat because I told her the night before or earlier that I would probably be late for the Friday water practice because of Engineering Olympics. However, the sched changed greatly, in that I was informed on the bus that we leave Y university an hour later of what the form stated as the return time to school (add an extra 2 hrs to return time) So when I got back to school, it was 5:30PM and not 3:45PM as I told her. Midst of rush, I wouldn't be able to get down there until it was over, and so we gave up. I being very depressed because I misinformed her, and that I let my team down again. I packed my tools, went home, around the 8:00PM mark when dinner was ready, and I was digging through my bag to see if I still had my lunch, I noticed the award I got is missing. I thought I left it behind in school, and so I went back there to find it. Search the school, and find nothing, I'm outside for a while enjoying the breeze, and the weather, and I see the bus come in for d-boat. 18 people came, which means we were close to a full boat T_T I've only done 1 practise with a full boat. Also I could only talk to the teacher in charge, and 1 of my friends. Everyone else just went poof, dissappeared. So with an increase in depression, I walk the long way home, hoping I'd atleast get to wave hello if their car passed by. Didn't turn out that way, so I just walked home. I come home, to know that my family knows me well. I don't want them to wait for me to come back to eat. I look in my backpack as well, and find that the award was in my stationary compartment of my bag and curse myself for wasting time.

Well you can see I generally feel left out and isolated. Somehow, I've managed to find myself walled in by not myself, but by the people around me. 1 factor being that I'm older, and I got my acceptances in March while people were still waiting for their bribe letters. Another one probably being my view on Y university. Yes it's got a ton of dumb people, I realize that, and they got enough dough to make a shopping mall in the middle of campus. I'm not going to their well-acclaimed business school that everyone dreams of going to. I'm not going into the program that people know is safe and decent. Here's a little thing about me that you probably didn't realize you offended.

I'm an explorer, I do things that family, and seemingly friends as well would never try. I'm heading to an emerging field. Merging with Mathematics and Sciences again. I'm not the classic asian teen with the pushy parents, and the want to escape home. I want to leave home but not to escape parents, I don't want to be a burden upon them as I have done. I'm not going into Life Sciences Biology because I have no idea what I'm doing, and it looks like a quick place for Med school, cash, and parents are pushing for vanity (classic asian parental guidance). I go into Life Sciences Biology because I want to help with research. MDs these days are mainly tradesmen as my sister told me. They're trained to do what they like, and that's it. It's not a research opportunity, you save lives, but only with what you currently have, if you can't save a life because you don't have the right tech, then they can't do too much. Creating things that could improve an MD's way of healing is what I like to do. A blacksmith for the knights is a good analogy. Knights get the glory, and the blacksmith just works on. It is what I see in my High School right now. My friends would be squires looking up to the knightly position and their ways. While I an apprentice with a blacksmith trying to make a better sword for knights to wield.

Something on society: Canadians aren't risk takers, they aren't responsible, and you'd think we'd be socialble, but that is an extremelfy false statement. The lack of risk taking kills any conversation. I will switch to a mode where I am talking to another person.

Nobody's responsible because you think I'll get mad when I hear you can't do something. Well I'd be mad if you didn't do or say anything at all, because it shows you don't try. But if you tell me you are not capable, I'd pass it off,and find alternative solutions to make it possible. This is where I always try my hardest to change the problem so that you can do it, and you can feel you are capable. Lie to me to show you can do what I ask, and I am just enraged at both you and myself. I'm angry at you because you are dishonest, and I am angry at myself because I let myself be optimistic about your abilities.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

With age comes experience, and with experience comes wisdom

Well as I recall the last time I said I'd make an entry was when passed the next cycle of goods and bads. Well life in general is not exactly picking up in terms of being overly happy because I am not allowing myself that priviledge. Mainly because even though a lot of good things have happened, I have a pile of stuff to do as well, and family is still in pretty bad shape. Friday found out that uncle with a stroke is recovering well^^ However, my other uncle has internal bleeding, because of his may colon ulcers. So both my uncles are in hospital recovering or waiting for operations. Saturday turned out well, and I was hoping it would instead of the disasters that sfk was anticipating at the the event. That was a lot of fun, even though my job there was pretty dull in itself. Well after I didn't feel tired because well I pretty much sat around and watched stuff and people ;) for the 8hrs until my legs were stiff. So going home, I still had a bit of energy. Went to work on discrete, and finished 1 section. I really can't work at night like a lot of people can. Well worked until 3:00AM helping another out, to the point that I had to tell them I'll blackout when lie down in bed, which I did, and I woke up at 1:00PM the next day. Sunday I spent hoping to cram my scrap book, but no avail I can not ignore family and we ended up making dumplings that day, and doing other stuff. Well I did finish it at 11:00PM that evening, but I couldn't work on anything else that I had hoped to do, so a small disappointment in my own thought of self-accomplishment. Today is an okay day except that I slept in, and slightly rushed to do everything. Mr. R is going through assignments at lightning speed, and it's hard to keep up. Atleast these assignments are mainly completion marks because he himself can't keep up with the pace hahaha. Helped a friend in need, got some sonars to play with, have a 1 day extension on the scrapbook, and I still have discrete untouched (NOoo! I MUST DESTROY THE HMWK!). Went to engineering, started working on an angry tracker hahahaha, and watched as our egg football thrown has its egg still intact at the centre Yaaay, we're really moving. Talked a lot about our accidents, all my accidents are usually bicycle wipeouts, while everyone else in engineering has been hit with baseball bats, flew over MTB path cliffs, some IV hospital mishaps, or hit by a car and not even hurt o_O. Well Went home after that, and got a game I ordered ^^ Yaay back to my GRADIUS addiction. My birthday is coming up, and well looking forward to it as even though nothing really big happens on it, I still look forward to it because it means I survived another year of life while bombarded by constant health problems that I overcome each year.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

A single grain of rice can tip the scale of success(contentment) and defeat (misery).

Lots of things have happened, and life is pretty okay, nothing much is happening with me, except for a large number of jugglings with my schedule, as the final stretch of the school year approaches. Prom cancellation is iminent (iminent not eminent, they are entirely opposite in meaning), which is a major bummer for me because #1 my friends will have wasted their money on tuxes, or dresses, and I have only spent money on a ticket. They'll have a large write-off loss, while I'm high break even, or even make a little since I did make up what I spent in the last quarter from my dividends in stocks. In addition, they will not experience such a good event and might regret it as I already have. I just get double dosed of that. Oh well, I'm bad luck so I should expect double the bad right? Besides that things are looking up. It would appear that most people only talk about their bad things here and not their good things. Well, d-boat is really nice, even though it's hard when I'm freezing, and I took a hit to my left appendage. It's refreshing in the way that I am part of a community taking part in a common goal. Pursuing my own ambitions is good, but sometimes I can't just do that all the time. It feels good to be in society, I know a few of my friends, some are bored, some don't care, some wish to kill everyone and relieve their stress, some wish for honesty in people, rather than phony politeness, and some wish for spiritualness instead of materialism. Well, I try my best to help in some of these, despite how insignificant I can be, but that does not sway my mind. If I have tried my best, then I am content that I tried, and that there is a slight possibility that they think a little better. Well it's late, and so I'm off to sleep, and blast through the rest of the hmwk like I usually do, see you all later.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

When ambitions are at stake, we forget that trust, honour, and friendship are existing entities.

Well, just when i thought things were looking up, I have had everything I hold dear to my heart torn to pieces. I won`t say who they are, because I still respect them highly for who they are, and as much as they mentally beat me, I will still stay true to what I`ve been as much as possible. However, I may have to warn those that do anger me, they may see the very bad side of me that formed from the lack of appreciation, or thankfullness. Let`s start with Saturday since this is where it all started. Sort of finding out that there`s not a lot going on with prom. That`s the OKAY part, I`ve always done organization, and as long as 1 person is in charge, that`s good ^^ (happy part). Bad part is that 1 of my parents said that my friends aren`t communicating well to me because they don`t want me around at all. In addition there`s the "care for nobody but yourself" talk from that parent. Well that hurt a lot, as it completely contradicted my own ideals, and so the next day I woke up with swollen eyes. The next thing was bad presentations I`ve to live with. Yes I`m a very technical person with bad people skills like my dad. However, that A) I`m not quite prepared yet to drop my technical merit to be booster rocket for another. B) I`m not a person that can do everything for you, we`re in a team for a reason, so do your part to. I hate yelling at people to work. So there is a leech, on my left knee, a knife to cut my left hand off, and dynamite at my chest of ideals. I will go crazy if one of these things messes up.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Fear, difficulty, and beauty are all perspective. They will always be confirmed if you expect them and do nothing about them.

Well it is the end of yet another terrible midterm exam. I know I made millions of errors, despite my attempts to stay accurate. John can be intelligent, but his big problem is ACCURACY. So GOOD BYE nice marks, and in comes another disappointment in life. Well I still have 1 test on Wednesday, and another few next week to bring light and hope to my other 2 grades. Had an after party that had everyone not eating much, everyone`s probably too depressed about earlier events. Well we still enjoyed ourselves. Some still have more to go, but they`ll be fine I`m sure, they`re all very smart people ^^ A few closures to a few who couldn`t make it due to prior? or just later more inticing events? Well it`s all okay still because atleast I knew beforehand and wasn`t left hanging. It all works out, and now I just have to get the rest of the stuff ready for a few future major events ^^

Saturday, March 27, 2004

To defeat an enemy, you must think like them.

Yah yah, somebody already said that, and a ton of other quotes I put up here. But in any case, still trying to resist the unreasonableness in myself, but I`m doing well. Currently bored with not much to do, maybe I should go back to my hobbies. Well anyways how`s the week? It`s normal, do the hmwk, watch the days ZOOOOOM by you as you age. Hmm, this week has been unusually good too. I wonder why? 2nd choice acceptance, and now waiting for 1st choice acceptance/rejection. Good weather in that it`s the perfect temperatures that I am comfortable with. *sigh* I wish the weather was always this comfortable. Hmwk load is light, and because my courses are TEST intensive, they`re a bit more relaxing. Teachers are reasonable to not give a lot of hmwk in the hopes that you spend that time to study. Well, yes you can do that, or you can be like me and study when it is necessary (3 days before). Currently quite happy with the club`s outcome. It`s small, but it`s committed (well for those that arrive!), and we have progress. I`ll shortly send out a sched of what we`re doing, and TRY to resched for another day so that my extra-curriculars don`t crash. Hmmm, nothing much to say, just that I`m booored=P Currently feeling unmotivated, so that`s probably why I`m bored, maybe I need to be motivated to do things instead of I trying to motivate others =P

Monday, March 15, 2004

Relationships are partnerships. You dig a hole to help dig something up, but now you need help to fill the hole up

Hmm, is this place REALLY worth keeping? Only a few other people come here besides myself, hey I wasn't even worthy enough for a review when I submitted this blog for review! Great way to show my loneliness =T I feel lonely, because nobody talks to me! Besides from school geez I am NOT a Human computer as someone would label me.

Anyways, currently feeling crappy even though I went through the day as I had planned. Helping others with their school work, their relationships, their entertainment and that`s it so far. Apparently I am a great help to everyone, but it doesn`t work for me because I forgot people are selfish! I am selfish to, it`s just never fulfilled because no one can fill it and if they tried, it always leads to me destructing valueable relationships. Hahahaha we are all able to help others just fine, but to apply it to ourselves is almost impossible, or it messes up somehow. Ironic and hypocritcal our lives are! Well I`m currently in a psycho depressed mood right now so I'm sure anything people do can help.

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Autobot Jazz (before Moonbase 1 is devoured by Unicron): "Talk to me!, Welcome me!, Hello, Hello, Earth!"

Okay, so it has been an extremely long time since I've last wrote here.  Well mainly because things have been volatile in my moods, and I like to keep these entries with as little mood swings as possible.  Things go by, things happen, and despite several efforts to stay in touch with reality, I realize I'm still very far out from mainstream.  I can't help it either. I realize that if I try to give contact information out so people can call me, then it was a wasteful act to do so.  When I say call me, I mean CALL me, I've given my phone number out a few times.  I guess I'm just not worth the paperspace for that number to stay anywhere.  People are under too great of an assumption that I'm online all the time as well.  When they do need or want to talk to me, I'm not there because I'm doing extra-curriculars, or I left my computer on like lots of other people and went to do chores. 

I'm sure my friends think about this when they go out, they don't really bother to tell people (I know somebody was neglected tonight).  Here's the question in people's mind when thinking about me, or other people "Does John have the time to come with us? Nah, he's probably going to take care of his little brother."  Or place a different friend's name "Nah he's probably got to tutor some kid or something."  Or "It's too late to ask him, John always needs to be told early so he can tell his parents and they won't be mad at him.  We don't want to cause him pain, so we won't invite him."  Or the ultimate killer "Nah, he's probably not interested."  *place a few curse words here*.  Those are the first thoughts in people's minds when they think about invitations.  Sad that you put yourself down BEFORE you even try.  Yes trying takes effort, it takes a lot more effort than physically carrying barrels of rice.  The effort to ask, act, and receive response is sometimes harder to do because the fear of a discouraging "No" can be earth shattering *gasp* =@

Well on to my home now, supposedly it is an arcade and theatre, and in the past few gatherings I'm sure people have felt guilty that they were leeching off my family and I.  So they always say "Well repay you back somehow."  The only payback I wish for is your company, thoughtfulness that I even exist besides the times when you see me in person, and hopeufully some openness.  Since it's March break I should be enjoying these "toys" to the fulllest.  Well, as you see above, materialism has been killed already.  I bet tomorrow I'm going to be so bored that I will finish half the Discrete hmwk.  I wish I got a phone call that wasn't the following: a telemarketer, a blank call, a fax machine, or somebody dialling through an internet terminal!  The last call I got was last year in November =_=  The last call I made and got a reply from that person was today after 3 tries. 

I'm lonely, very lonely, I need somebody that understands, and perhaps has an interest in me, or wants to and is willing to take the risk to try. 

Saturday, February 28, 2004

The majority are spectators, they never have the courage to be a participator.
Song: Affirmation --Savage Gardens

Hmmm, I should be well adapted to the Down Friday feeling because it's now happened 4 times in a row. So why do I continue to acutely feel it. Mainly because I felt good when someone ACTUALLY took their own responsibility to tell me why they couldn't make it to Robotics. Why feel good about being let down like that? Well it's a lot better than people simply not even saying a word, or not showing up at all. I didn't start to feel bad, until they reminded me later in the evening that they were sorry they couldn't come. I am perfectly all right if they didn't come because s/he had more important obligations. Why I had CFO of the club take over for today since I had to do something important myself. I'm probably picky and all, but look at most of the other clubs, they're back on track, they've got their attendance records back, heck d-boat is more full than it was earlier. WHY THE HECK DO PEOPLE IN MY CLUB LACK THE SENSE TO SAY or DO ANYTHING even when I state stuff to do! Is it because I write descriptive e-mails that people just shove off as spam (I'll shove you into a wall if you think so)? Is it because I sort of run it like another class (engineering is just as much tough love)? Is it because I am a guy that will let it pass (Anger does not leave my mind for important reasons such as releasing more wrath than you need)?

Well that's all that's on my mind really, have to do some work and research tomorrow, and that's it pretty much.

Nobody visits here as it seems I've become insignificant in the lives of others. I'm a unique individual, just as everyone else is, but my uniqueness is never accepted. It's too complicated or smart for them to understand isn't it?! LAZY @$$-like BRAIN! Everyone has differen circumstances, why is it hard to empathsize? BECAUSE A PERSON IS SELFISH! I hate selfish people, I hate my own selfishness, I hate stubborness, I hate irresponsible people, and I hate lying people. Everyone has the same peeves, so they're actually just putting further strain on my extrenuating circumstances by treating me different.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

A Link to the Past, can make a link to the foreseen

I've come home from my OTHER home, and well it happens everytime I go there. Nostalgic in a sense of my very small childhood living in an apartment, while containing the luxury of my the future I wish to achieve. My apartment is nostalgic because I've always remembered what it was like to live in a small space, bad, dusty ventilation, and care freeness of NOT worrying you're going to kill the water supply =P It's also somewhat nostalgic too as I see my brother sleep in his bed next to my bed. Except long ago it was I being the little one, and my sister watching me. At the black of night when everyone has faded into the comforts of rest, I take a look at the view of TO from my window. This time in my life, I'm not obstructed by the building infront of me (thereby only able to see the street below), but I can see all of TO from my window, the shimmering of lights and reflections of the city across the blackness of night, reflecting off the grey-white clouds as the floor of the scene lights the room to the cotton ceiling. It's beautiful, and I could never capture that in anything except my mind.

Everything is not just warped in that time though. As I look around during the day, everything is pampered by the luxuries of Yuppy living. Marble and Granite, A/C and convection, everything white, and silver. The setting is very much of a Yuppy living there, off his own income, and able to afford all he wants easily. It is grand, it is what a man could wish for in the economic world, but it is insignificant if I could not share these with another. It all helps me, it all helps my family, but I long to show another (that is deserved) of these pleasures but has not experienced them. I dreamt of a person, perhaps it is her, but I doubt that would come to pass as I think I can easily change that person with any crush I get during the times I visit that home.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Brillance is light. The radiance of revelation, with the shadow of logic and process

Boy oh boy, a new semester, and it's less rocky than my last semester. Firstly, I don't have a lot of problems except that I don't like the lack of response from people when I send mails out. Just because I don't say "REPLY PLEASE" doesn't mean it is inappropriate to reply. I'm not a spam bot that doesn't need a reply. I'm a person that likes to confirm things, which is a reason why I send so many mails out. Also not receiving replies annoys me because some of the issues I place on those mails become "undefined" when there is a no reply. Ah well, my complaints will go unsaid outside of this page, and any of my other journal pages. Why would I keep it here? I actually don't, as people know my impatience when I send things out TWICE, or hint in my 2nd round mails that I'm vexated about no replies. Ah well, I can't beat out answers, and badgering about it will only strain my acquaitance with people. THEREFORE (where's the 3 dots) silence becomes the solution to the issue until all participants are willing to consult and solve the problem.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Endings are always a mixed bag

It's over, exams are finally delt with, and the semester is over. I enjoyed the semester, a lot more than I usually do. So leaving a semester this year, I have an acute feeling that I'm leaving something that was really great. It was really great though, I discovered a great deal of things, academically, socially, and other things that I can only inadequately describe. There were bad times, but I don't wish them to go away, I actually wish them back so I can fix them. Oh well, no point in dwelling over it. I shall look forward to the next semester, but I have 1 problem. Depending on my grades this semester, I may have to retake a course, I know that it's not a big deal for most students to retake. However, I feel ashamed in retaking something I knew I could have done better in. I've had lots of support, or shall I say comments that I'm a really smart person, I don't have pressure from my parents (well not from my dad atleast), and I shouldn't worry about my grades. It helps a bit, but if it's all online, I feel worse because #1 it only pops up over the distant lines, and #2 it still indicates that my social skills are worse than mice.

An observation is that I don't know about anything happening outside of school until perhaps a day before it happens, or right on the fly. I suppose nobody has noticed that I do everything in an fairly ok and well planned manner. I know I should initiate sometimes and ask, but if I do that all the time, does anybody really bother remember doing that in return (an invitation, a hint, a warning)? Since it has become a very planar jump into society, I'm kind of tired, and I really wonder if I am even valued more than being a gathering planner, an entertainer, or a textbook reference. Is that really all I am?

A contradictory thought though that has made me the "jobs" I am is whether I am a selfish person or not. I always feel I am selfish, am I doing something only to self-gratify myself? Is it okay to do something for myself? Something that sticks to mind is grad photos. I was nervous asking questions to the photographer for myself. But I was comfortable in showing my friends where to sign up an appointment, or ask questions to the photographer for help (on behalf of my friends). It's an unusual thought, but it just sticks to mind that I feel comfortable asking to help another, but I can not help myself.

Help yourself, before you help others

A saying that is very well known, and yet I can never follow this properly. Am I just stupid?! I don't know, it's all swirling, and circling around my head.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Parallels in life, that see each other, but never cross paths

Wow, I very long time since I touched any of these pages. Mainly because I have been quite busy, and I'm on the edge of completely losing all my "super-brain powers." Those powers comes from sleep, and relaxation actually, where I would usually have a decent balance between sleep, relaxation and work. However, I recently have also been bombarded by tests, quizzes, major evaluations this month that I couldn't stand it. EUT was the tuesday I got back to school, Doc appointment on Wednesday, quiz on the friday, and a day behind in all the work, test on the thursday of that day. That was the first week. This week is the Bio presentation, and I am still amazed that I would take the largest and most important section of the unit -____- I guess I am prone to always taking more than I can handle. ANOTHER test on the thursday, same as everyone else but I was completely unprepared for it. Today is a physics test, but I think I'm okay with it. Hopefully all my evaluations in the past 2 weeks will come in much earlier before the exam so I can read it again. I still have a few things to do on Monday, and tuesday. So yah, I'm sure everyone else is tired and exhausted from all this, so I can't blame the world for my problems.

I suppose I could not feel bad that during the past 2 weeks I was up to speed with everyone else as well. BUT it somewhat feels bad to know that I degraded my speed to the same as everyone else, as a previous good quality of mine was the speed at which I could do things. I wish I could parallel process like I did last semester with D/M, English, and Bio11. But I've lost my sense of direction, my clear mind, and a great passion that I previously beheld. Without those, I can not do what I did last semester again.

A clear mind I had before was when my parents were still taking care of me, and I didn't have responsibility to a great many things except for school. A direction I lost when I realized I was capable of doing something great, but in a different place. A passion I lost was because I realized it could do nothing that could fulfill a deep desire of mine's, to live a free life from the shackles of disease. My previous passion was only a selfish desire to fulfill my ego. That passion has changed, and I made that realization last year in November, when I saw a new direction and potential. It only further emphasized my change in direction when I found out that a dear friend of mine's has been sentenced to receive the same shackles I am currently bound by. Her time is unknown, and she now lives with a lingering thought that someday, disease may come for her. She still a very good friend, somebody I still care for very deeply, but it can not come to more, something dictates that we can not be together.

Saturday, January 03, 2004

Good times come with good effort

Good morning for yet another late entry, but have you noticed that I'm much happier at night than during the day? Maybe I am a night animal that enjoys the seclusion of darkness, the beauty of a moon, and the dazzling of stars. Haha, the only ones out here if it were that would be black cats, racoons, foxes and wolves. There are people that are already racoons and black cats I know, I'm no where near as attractive as a fox, so I guess I'm the scruffy wolf that looks up at the sky all the time.

Well, yet another successful party with my friends, which is very nice. And the clean up only took 2 hours, not 6! Yaay, I don't have to worry about that when I go to sleep tonight. Although I'm a bit puzzled as to everyone's lack of appetite from 2 weeks ago. Either that or I didn't realize how much some ate that weren't present. Oh well, I guess family and I will eat up the rest over the next 2 days. Lots of fun with a well balanced, violent movie, some fighting games that we all enjoyed, and were pretty fun to since I'm getting the hang of it now. Lots of good help in the kitchen making the stuff, and everyone's cooperation to help clean up. Woow lots of fun, and we even did karaoke, although slightly a bit late for the one making the presentation, next time, next time ^^

It's fun to talk to people in person, and the animals of the night are very friendly. They're very interesting people, the only problem is that topics don't pop up to get to know people since the majority of conversations in person are fairly shallow. Getting deeper is often, harder in person because there is fear of a very emotional reaction that is not happy =D Ai, why am I delving on this? I don't know I just notice these things. Oh well, I'm very happy, I've still got tons of work ahead of me, but I'm very happy. I've had a few good conversations today, one on culture and character, and the other on personal stories and adventures =D It's really hard to get such conversations out in the open because such conversations are rare in a group, but with 1 person (in person or online), it comes out. It's really nice, and it tightens those loose connections with people. I've never really noticed it until today while a wolf talks to a racoon on how they gather food, places they've been, why one has a family of little ones and lets go when they're big enough, the other always stays in a pack of best friends, family dynamics, and family history. Lots of fun, not a party, but still just as fun =D