Tuesday, September 22, 2009

So I'm sacrificing precious sleep, for a post. This post I'd say is relatively important in my life.

I've actually become indifferent to the yelling and screaming, and anger that my Dad shows towards anything I do against him. This is different in that I usually take it personally, that I'm a failure, that I'm a loser, that I'm a dreamer. Plus all his arguments to corner me into admitting defeat. Usually I just get all depressed and well like last time I think that happened, I wanted to kill myself.

So what's different about today? Well let's recount the day's events shall we?

I woke up on time, but I didn't prepare the night before (Fencing blades, Bow, laptop, notes, textbook), so I became horribly late, and missed my English class. I went to my labs, had no trouble there, and I actually stayed relatively awake during lecture, when the teacher has less knowledge about polymers than I do. The subunits of a polymer are called "Monomers" not "mers ..."

Bussed it back to York, talked to Kendo, watched Defying Gravity (not sure I want to continue, because there were things I wanted to ask about. Such as why would someone tell a story about their experience with an alien object instead of explaining detailed specifics of it during a Mission Briefing?) on his laptop since he offered, and then went to go teach fencing.

Made an awful mistake during footwork by asking Jeff (during the practice instead of off practice) what he thought of the new suicidal maneuver that Fred was teaching. Eventually, though Fred explained to me why he was showing it, and that his emphasis was on recognition and adaptation, and not usage. Simple enough, got complaints from Fred that Jeff is teaching stuff that students aren't capable of. I was teaching 1 student that was asking for help in certain maneuvers, and then before I knew it, 3 hours flew by like nothing. Strained my right ankle a little, but other than that I'm fine physically.

Archery practice was cancelled to my dismay, got fencers to sign up and check off a preferred day, and got 1 old member to come back. Talked to Suke about the area, how it functions, and he was amused, but already committed to fencing. "Not a problem" I said and thought. Packed up, and well marched my way home for the last leg of my Journey (with a lot of gear) for the day. March as in a light leisure but rhythmic walk.

I get home, and dad is cleaning a spill he made in the oven. Basically he was making roast beef with a roast too big for the dish and it spilled everywhere in the oven when it fell over. Oh well, it happens when we're unprepared, and he cleaned it up. He went to talk to me about all the options there are to eating food, in orders, in whatever. He saw the monitor box, and asked what it was. I told him the plain truth, he raged, he yelled, he insulted. I simply understood what he was saying, or commanding, did the switch back to my old one, and well ... it just hit me after the storm.

I didn't feel bad. I knew it was coming, I knew I couldn't explain circumstances (last one in stock, it was cheap, its from FactoryDirect). I just let him rage, leave, and I continued to do what I was doing, made the fix.

Indifference is what I felt. I didn't care about most of his rant. Simply did what he asked, and went on my way. I know it's a bad thing, especially because he's my biological father that did take care of me. I've been told that Indifference is the opposite of love. It's something my dad expressed to my mom awhile back when the first charade fell, and that big fat nuclear bomb exploded known as divorce. Neither of them are going to, they care too much about something that we have now to risk breaking it.

However, when your kids start having the same indifferent feeling for their parents. Isn't that dangerous too? My parents are more foreign to me than my acquaitances and friends. I think I might just drift away, dissociate from them like I do people I don't spend the effort to see anymore.

It's different from the conflicts of my relatives. They all ran away from a significantly large conflict. Dad and grandpa for career conflicts, aunt and cousin because of some big argument and she simply picked up and left. Those are the only 2 circumstances I can think of right now. Otherwise, the families have been together for the most part. Dad and sister though keep our family from heading to outings with the rest of the family. I know it's because those 2 fight everyone else, and the extended family. It usually comes down to what my sister portrays as jealousy, my dad as attitude, and well I think is just their stubbornness.

As Cherry told me while I write this,
"i think there are some fundamental differences in thinking and you've tried to explain to them and it didn't work and u tried again and it still didn't work no choice but to let them be sometimes"

You know what, I think I started a bit of that today.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Lacking sleep sucks,

I'm grumpy, and a little more frustrated than I usually feel.

a) Info about OSAP for first timers I didn't know money was being wired to my account. I thought it's just being mailed like tax credits. I'm glad I came prepared though.

b) High tension with parents because that happy dandy last post was a facade, which collapsed really badly. Now they're putting up obvious acts and charades to each other so they don't get on each other's nerves with their real selves.

c) My teacher for Chinese sword is biased towards his "realistic" fighting for survival context vs the sport fencing context. I tried speaking to him about the good things that have come about by introducing some of the techniques of his training that worked in sport training. Worked so well, the fencers enjoyed it and voluntarily decided to work on it for themselves. Even though they still view fencing as a sport or as for fun, he scoffs them off as being people he can't help, and that they're warping the "true" ("spirit" was my interpretation) meaning of the techniques. I was appalled that he didn't have anything good to say about their growth. It's all because of the arrogance of "I do this to survive" vs "I do this for fun. " I don't think I'm going to use a sword in a prepared combat situation, I think my pistol and rifle training have more application than that.

d) explaining to my brother the way things are, vs the way things are ideally suppose to be. Also explaining the idea that people think differently, have different perspectives, they don't think like him, they believe in different things. I'm annoyed that his mind is so very narrow that he can't fathom or understand why a person wouldn't believe in God. Or our ability to identify with characters from let's say an anime. He criticized so much about the differences between the anime's reality of physics and astronomy compared to our reality of physics and astronomy (of which a lot of his babble on astronomy I keep reminding him is JUST THEORY, and not confirmed). IT'S A PIECE OF ART! YOU'RE GOING FOR LIBERAL ARTS AND YOU CAN'T understand that it is fiction and it has been made different from our world to add that fantasy element of "hmmm I wish I could fix my clock with just some scribbles on the ground and a clap of my hands? "

Anyways my babble is done, sleep is good!