Thursday, January 10, 2008

I suppose I've made an improvement from the last post, because instead of being afraid of rejection I actually am getting rejected now.

Life itself has changed a lot, and has me always sort of doubting decisions I've made. A lot of them has to do with messing up my routine life schedule.

So let's list them out, if anyone from the ring that does read this, it does in a way relate to my attendance at church. It's been well ... non-existant due to last month being exams, and then taking a really long vacation in Hong Kong which wasn't what I expected. Then there's this month, because I just got back last sunday, and I won't be able to attend because I prioritized this dying fencing club over my own spiritual well being. It's dying in the eyes of many, it's really hurt from negligence, and I am a stupid stubborn sucker for wanting to keep it alive, or bring it back to its former glory. I'm also trying to justify why I spend so much time studying and doing things related to fencing. Can I make a career out of it? Possibly as a teacher, and referee, but not much else. In any case, the amount of involvement in fencing I have is being put into question in contrast to my studies (which is picking up again, and having a "standard" 4 course load).

My spiritual well being, it's degrading because I'm missing what I had at church. Reinforcement and support from fellow Christians. Hong Kong itself did 1 thing very bad thing, which I regret and confess for falling into. Greed and wealth. For some reason, when I say the words "Just because it's cheap, doesn't mean we have to get it. " Did not get into the heads of my family, and I ignored it too when I should have listened to it. That's all we did on vacation. Buy, Buy, Buy. We barely went site seeing, we had fights with the extended family, we had fights within each other about issues that came and went, and even fights about how horrible each other was. It was a vacation in that my brain vegetated from regurgitating information, but it was more of a drain and battle in terms of everything else.

The very issue of my family is what bothers me, and is the cause of my pain and suffering. My biological mother and father both constantly fight about who's "God" is the right and true one that they're listening to. Their habits clash, and they support/punish things that would conflict and clash with each other. Read the bible you two, and then maybe you'll get some consistency.
My mom is trying to teach the "elite scholar" person by giving examples of what it would be like to live without studying and ultimately the focus of this becomes the "career, job" whether it be something grand and lavish with a lot of money and thus being able to do whatever you like, attract women, acquire whatever you like, etc...

I really don't like mom's teaching because it teaches the very thing that we just did in HK. Greed. Sure it makes life lavish and nice, but it also makes it selfish. I still take in what I can, such as the good habits that would generally help everyone or life in general, such as cleanliness, initiation to help out around the home, do work early and not procrastinate so that life will not be so stressful. These things are innately not bad, but my mom always associates these habits and principles with "So you can get a good job, make lots of money, and get whatever you want. "

My dad's teachings are strange and inconsistent, mainly because his own behaviour and character contrast what he's trying to teach, and it just destroys his temper. He tries to teach balance of relaxation, and taking care of life, but he himself is an egotistical perfectionist in all of life's aspects. He can't stand "mess" or disorganization. He can't stand for delays or mistakes, it seems like failure to him if that occurs. It also doesn't have structure, so it's hard to follow, and he gives such a volatile amount of contrasting signals for similar situations that no matter what I do, something is always wrong, or always right. Generally always wrong so that I can be educated and shown clearly the "correct way. "

I like my dad's basic teaching, the motto itself "balance of work and play. " Implementing it is obviously very difficult, and is it not subject to the person to decide the balance? This subjection is what has me at conflicts with my dad.

The main examples I'll bring up are

1) A bag carries a laptop, its AC adaptor, a mouse, pens, NDS, camera, and a small notebook that I had planned to use as a journal on my trip to HK.

I say "it's not heavy. " Just toss it on my back, and it's just about what I carry to York everyday forward and back. Minus the camera.

My dad insists (by yelling, screaming, and making a big scene infront of the extended family) that it is heavy. He then changes the topic as to why am I always rebelling against him, why do I have so much ego, why do I have to aggrevate him, why don't I listen to "what is right. "

So ...

next time I say the word "but ..." That same thing happens again except it's for packing our bags with the almost unsurmountable amount of goods we acquired. He says bring out the luggage, you have no space to work with in the bedroom since there's very little floor to work with. I say "but ..." and am promptly cut off by the explosion that happened with the bag of contents. I meant to say "but there's the bed space too, and we can work on packing by using the bed as workspace and not just the floor, it'll be the same." However, I don't have the opportunity to say that because the very sentence that silences me is "WHY CAN'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO THE MORE EXPERIENCED! THERE IS 1 RIGHT WAY OF DOING THINGS! Why do you insist on doing things the wrong way John. " I don't insist. I simply nod, apologize, and of course note something a friend (perhaps who I value most now for this great lesson) told me not long ago that initially hurt, but opened my eyes. It was along the lines of keeping an open mind, don't criticize others, and instead to look at things from their perspective.
Moving along, I now come to something that is worth much more debate.

My career: Fencing, or Biology, or engineering

Biology, I'm not the greatest at it, but I got a good air of confidence that's useful in presentations, and simplify and generalize concepts nicely to be remembered, but details would be the death of me.

Engineering, my math sucks, otherwise I love this field to death. But there are no jobs in Canada my parents say, and the cap is 60K. Are these true facts? If they're not, then I've been mislead very badly for the past 6 years.

Fencing, I have fun, even though i'm not particularly good at fencing, I get respect considering my condition. there are only 2 job types available, it's dependent on my physical health which isn't that good to begin with.

Always a roadblock, and now as much as my dad cares, we come to the argument at hand in its context from my mind. I am doing the wrong thing by going to a tournament this weekend. I should be at home studying and improving my horrible grades. Dad compares me to a 100m sprinter who stops midway to get alcohol. Yes I am going, I can't simply back out on my word and not go. Because family doesn't want me to go? Am I 12 years old and need permission to go out into the world? It sounds trivial to me, but now it's not trivial because I'm actually disobeying my parents directly and rebelliously this time. I don't feel good either way. To betray myself in what I love to do (fencing), or betray my family and do what they don't approve of.

I don't want to go home because it means facing him, and it's not that I don't want to face him, it's just that it always turns out the same. He yells, insults me, everything i say is apparently wrong. I won't be able to say anything because he just over powers with sheer volume and interruption.

Please Pray for a solution. I will be.