Tuesday, December 28, 2004

I had a dream last night, but the dream is much more vivid, and much more easily remembered than most of my vivid dreams. In addition certain symbols and events occured in their context, but I had not even read about what context they should be in until after the dream. So I am concluding that I'm getting a warning of my ill-behaviour.

Anyways I'll start off in chronological order since that's how I discovered things.

I'm in the office using the computer, and the prez brings what looks like a very large and elaborate gold necklace. They say it's the chain of Sodom, and that whoever wears will turn evil, and go crazy. Apparently, everyone takes the prez seriously and doesn't attempt wearing it. I kind of laughing off that the curse exists, put it on myself. The chain itself is kite shaped (so imagine a kite), with a cross across its axis (so connect opposite points of a kite), and where the 2 axis meet is a brace/circle for the person to clamp around their neck. After putting it on, I hear what seems to be the yelling of a mob flooding into my ears, and then my head. For a second, I can't stand it, but then I feel that I have changed, not with more angst, but I'm more serious about actually destroying the world, and I feel I have the ability and resources to do just that. However, one of my uni friends also hears the voices, and is begging (and screaming) for them to stop. I go to her, hold her, and quietly repeat "Concentrate on my voice." She stops begging and screaming, but in addition she has lost herself. Her eyes are glazed over, and seems to be a body without a soul, and it just stays with me now. Suddenly, there's a change of place, time (later), and happenings. I find that I'm about to rape her, and she is not resisting. I notice that she's not resisting, she still has the glazed look in her eyes and she really doesn't have a soul within her to allow her to do anything. I realize first that I'm doing 2 wrong things. First was initially that I was about to physically do something, but what was more painful was that I had already killed a person and I am a truly a bad person. The voices return, and everything around me disappears to darkness. I wake up after this, thought about it for an hour, and then actually woke up for the day.

Later on (as in research on the web before I update this), I find out that the city of Sodom in the bible is one of the cities of great evil that God destroyed. However, this story is often used against homosexuality for its line "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them" <-- supposedly there is connotation of rape here too. After reading this, I'm shocked to find similarity in the evil nature I felt I possessed in the dream, and the evil nature portrayed in the Story of Sodom. I've never read the story, since I only got up to the listings of people's descendants in Genesis and then stopped reading the bible. So reading a quick synopsis of the story, and seeing it's relation to the dream earlier seems more than just a coincidence to me. Anyways, on to other topics of conversation besides the ever so wonderful visions. I guess I can post the Obligatory christmas list. I won't make a journal cut/link for people since I'm SURE people are too lazy to click. From parents:
From relatives:

Merry Christmas ^^

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Oi, everytime I blog, it's because either lots of stuff happened, and I get a very long entry, or I have something to rant about and still make a very long entry. It's been a good 3 weeks since I blogged, and nothing really bad has happened since then (or if there was, I got over it quickly).
Anyways, first off WHY I haven't been blogging that much is that every university student has to STUDY! Not playing games, not partying, JUST STUDY! That's 1 whole week explained yaay ^^

The week after I've been playing about, relaxing for the extra week of break that I have. After the last exam (which was a breezer), went to a party with YAMA people. It was lots of fun, with the exception of staying awake the whole night. The following Wednesday I trekked back up to my hometown, and being in the sleepy state I'm in came 30 min late. I still made it on time to meet some of my HS friends, and we went around sitting in on classes, and talking to about what was well learned, and what wasn't. Went back home, and took some well needed sleep. Went back to YAMA much later than I expected to, to work on the computer. The floppy drive on that computer is screwy and couldn't read the bootdisk properly. So I copied the contents of the floppy (after several retries) to the C drive of the computer (plus the C drive was set to being a system drive) so that instead of booting from a bad floppy drive, it's booting from a good core C drive. However, after being able to reinstall windows, the computer now always thinks that the C drive is an emergency boot disk. Oh well, so you get the extra ramdrive components to the computer. It's okay as long as the computer boots in windows. I need to find the videocard drivers, and the internet settings to fix the computer up more because the computer right now is on stand-alone status, and the computer is on 640x480 in 16bit colour.

While I was fixing the computer, Dad called me up to tell me he's at the apartment. I told him it's fine, and I'll be coming to the apartment tonight. When I did come home (11:00PM) there was nobody there, and I was puzzled why he wasn't around. I find out later when I do come home that my dad uses this place to do basic cleaning and eating (since he works very hard and to late hours too now).

Friday was sort of a blah day. I woke up very late, got to the meeting later than I said, was pinned in the head by a shooting star (ouch). And played games with YAMA people until it was over.

The weekend was good, as I played with my little brother for most of the weekend. Dad bought me a laser printer to use (yaaay no more smudging printouts), Dad was equivocating (A LOT TOO) about whether to buy the P93 Sony camera for $330, or wait for the S500 Canon to drop from it's fairly okay $450 price. I like the Canon S500, but the price is quite hefty. Dad was thinking of buying the P93, but if we bought a proper sized memory stick with it, it would still round out to the same price as the S500. So, Dad says to wait until boxing day for us to fight our way through the crowds for a marked down S500 ^^

Monday I went out with my friends Downtown, and at first NaCH3C00H (that's his username on xanga) was complaining at outside being freezing when we walked 10 minutes to the bus terminal. We then took the bus to the subway, and the subway down to Eatons centre to shop. It was already kind of late when we got there, and most of the time we just browsed around. We went through the whole shop, and there wasn't much to look at. Everything was grossly marked up for the desparate shoppers. Browsed around, and then we went to NaCH3C00H rez to pick up what? A NAMETAG! Well tainted_white, and I wanted to see how his rez looked like (nice place). After that we walked halfway through all of Downtown to find someone at Chestnut rez. We didn't find the place, and we were frozen from walking everywhere. Eventually we went back up, and we didn't have time now to go to p-mall so we just went back up to our local Loblaws, bought some food, and went back to cook. After the cooking, it was pretty late, but we still hung out together for a while.

Tuesday was pretty idle, as I slept in, made m brother food, did some calc, started a conversion, played the piano, and did chores. It was mostly a relaxing day.

Now I have to finish converting a video in impossible time, and get to another gathering (with more of my HS friends this time) that is in 3 hours.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Hmmm, not sure what I can do to make this entry structured. This week was pretty random and full of itself. I guess the most structured way of starting is list what's happened, and then write something about each. I had my bio midterm this week, spent 3 days playing and fooling around, learning to do office hours, had a weird dream, found out one of my grade school friends died so early, ate out alone, and I'm alone in my apartment to study ^^

Well the Bio Midterm was okay since I did get above average this time, and I wasn't at average. I got 74% which is pretty good considering the class got a really bad average of 55%. BUT the deviation is + or - 16% so I'm still within a huge chunk of people. Atleast I can say now that I'm in the upper half of the bell ^^

I spent 3 days playing games and not studying. I felt bad at the end of the day as I could have done something, but I didn't feel like working. Well, now I'm back to studying, catching up on economics before the midterm, and I'll be doing chemistry tonight. There's only 4 units in chemistry and I'll make sure I know them by the time saturday comes around. I wanted to start economics earlier, but I didn't gather up enough resistance against the video games lol. Yeah, so I'm studying now.

Office hours could have been lumped up with the above paragraph since I was playing video games in the office, but when I mean office hours, I mean when I'm by myself and there isn't a soul around. It's pretty quiet there, and it's a pretty good to study. I got through a chapter of study while I was there, even though the chapter was worth 2 presentations.

I don't remember when, but it was sometime this week (I think wednesday) that my best friend told me that one of our grade school friends died in his sleep on monday. I was shocked that it happened so suddenly and abruptly. In terms of managing the event occuring, I haven't thought too much about it since I have exams coming up. HOwever, what does go through my mind when I think about him is the good times that we went through when in high school, and even better in elementary school ^^ He was a good person, and I'm sure he's in a much better place.

Weird dreams happen kind of frequently now, and I don't know why, in addition, the next day I got a strange text message too. The dream I had was that I was walking through a LEGO exhibit, and I get a call or a message that there are 5 bombs in the exhibit, and they look like toys too. I was worried so I looked for the bombs, and found that they were PS1 consoles plugged and ready to explode. I immediately just pulled out their cords, and that diffused all of them except for 1 bomb which activated a quick timer. Having about 4 seconds to get rid of the bomb, I threw it to another room, closed the door, and ran for cover. When I came back to the exhibit to check on the exhibit, I found that the bombs were replanted and this time it was getting harder to diffuse them each time I cleaned them out. I don't remember how I woke up, but still that was weird. Then during the YAMA showing, I got a message on my phone saying

"Make up your mind, you have to choose a path."

So that was kind of weird too.

Anyways, friday was kind of dull as while I was going to uni again and waiting for the bus, Chow happens to be at the station too, so I meet up with him. Anyways while on the bus I received a call from a private number, but I didn't know I was getting a call since I left my phone on silent. When I got to the office it was same as always, when everyone left, I studied. George came by and I got a snack to eat. When I left and waited at the bus stop so I could go home after office hours, I saw yet another person that I recognized, but I didn't want to get out of line just to say hi and I was hungry.

When I got back home I went out to eat at the Korean place across from where I live, As I was waiting in line (yet again), I bumped into one of my friends who is still in high school. She asked me how university was and I told her that it wasn't that easy. She left after a small chit-chat, since she didn't want to wait to eat. I stayed in line and waited to be seated. I didn't know what I was ordering, and I ordered a vermicilli that was very spicy. Unfortunately there was no milk, so I couldn't eat the whole thing as my mouth was burning with spice already. I packed it up and went home. When I got home it was still messy, so I cleaned everything up in half an hour (expecting family to stop by in 45 minutes), but they didn't show. So I just thought

"Hmmm they're probably letting me study this weekend."

Now, I just thought of something, it's sort of a theme for this week that is most prevalent. I felt it while I was alone in the office, but I felt it the most when I was eating at the Korean restaurant. In the restaurant while I was waiting or eating I felt a very strong sense of loneliness. Here I was, in a restaurant where there's lots of chattering, and laughter. I'm the only person in the restaurant that requested a table for 1 person. I didn't want to think about what I needed to do or what I should do. I've done all that already, and the only things that were on my mind that night was

"When John is left alone, he's truly alone."

I know I'm on my own, and that's why I spend most of my time in the company of people at university, and most of my time at university. I haven't actually felt the loneliness of where I am until now. When I come home early. This apartment is empty, it only contains those of the family bloodline. Pure in that there hasn't been anyone to blemish it, boring in that there hasn't been anyone to decorate it.

Anyways I've finished up a chapter of Econ, and watched some anime, and went to bed. That was the whole week. It's Saturday now, and I need to go and buy supplies for the house, and study gas laws.