Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I try and I try to help, yet something bothers me about the truth presented to me. Something bothers me about your hate, how after receiving the the forgiveness of Christ, you can not forgive the sins of another. Something both my fathers have taught me (Biological and Spiritual), that no matter how bad, how unchanging, how unsuccessful we are to turn a brother or sister away from evil. I still forgive, love, and hope that one day, they WILL change to embetter themselves.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The stupidity of science ...

Here I am wasting precious minutes when I need to finish a lab report in a few hours...

I just realized we spent an entire month doing only 2 measely things, count Microbial load, and Identify an organism.

It only takes 2 days to get a microbial load count, and Identify the microorganism using API20E system that we did end up using at the end!

I am extremely unmotivated to research microdetails and hand in this lab.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Redid the page since I don't have a tagboard anymore.

Also took down the old webring I use to be at which I am not at anymore.

Still trying to get comments to be a link to post, rather then you having to enter the post to make a comment.

Otherwise, I'm very tired, unmotivated in my studies, and just plainly want to do nothing or relax, or ... I think people get the idea ... Soo, off to sleep early for me.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Hi God,

I'm sure you already know. I ask that you help those who are lost find their way, and that you show them and well ... blatantly tell them where they are and where they should go. And ... Ummmm ... relatively quickly like NOW PLEASE. I beg you to help them now, or ... well I suppose the years of life we have in the mistakes we make are like seconds to you. So I am guessing you are doing your best, well I didn't mean you're not perfect, but that you're showing us the proper way, and I'm just impatient, and silly skipping steps like I shouldn't.

What should I do? How can I do it? When should I come in?

In Jesus Christ I pray. Ahmen.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Sooo, it's been a good 2 months atleast since I last updated. Mainly because either I was

a) playing games
b) cramming and studying for term papers, and big labs
c) socializing with friends *gasp* actually talking to people.
d) fencing, and doing well. with some off days.

Cramming and studying is the most important one as after screwing up midterms, I was stressed about fixing the grades, as I wouldn't be able to stay in my Honours program if I dropped below a B average, and I was hovering around it. Hopefully my measely 0.64 GPA difference from 1st term can offset my grades.

Started, and almost finished a j-drama (1L of tears) that related a lot to me. To most people, they will wonder how I could possibly know what Ikeuchi Aya goes through. Or, they would think I'm making up stories and lies to gain pity, respect and extra help. For her, she has to struggle through physical ailments, that disrupt and destroy her life in all aspects you could say. For me, it is not so extreme. However, I speak the truth about my experiences with the disease Lupus. It's incurable, but it's got a good treatment now. Well good if you exercise well, and follow the diet to the letter and milligram. As well as cooperate and do not take advantage of your parents kindness towards your illness On my first days visiting the clinic. Seeing large obese children around my age penguin walking around the clinic. All of them with the same disease, all of them under the same treatment. All of that weight being water and not fat (meaning a lot heavier). I vowed that I would not become one to struggle with my body. That I will live my life normal as it was before I got ill. It was and still is hardwork, and I will still never be able to do some things without taking pain still, but I have achieved something that is within the limits of the definition of "normal living person" for those around me. I suppose one of the ways that makes my Lupus convenient is that unlike other patients who can see and feel their pains immediately, I don't. I will get a bruise from fencing in the knee, and it will not show up until the week. It'll also not hurt until it shows up and be much more painful. My version of Lupus is prolonged delayed reaction of illness.

However, even though there was that aspect of the illness, what shocked me the most was that all these children were taking advantage of their parent's kindness. They would whine, like babies for their desires and make it seem that lacking their desires makes their life unbearable. This is the common child patient in the hospital (exception are the dying ones, or the ones who came close to it). I try my best to take care of myself, and to follow orders and do things on my own. My parents advice and help I will take, but I will not attempt to ask for anything more.

I still have physical ailments, but they merely limit my life. A limit I've gone over twice, and nearly caused my own death twice, but I will still live with this invisible disease for the rest of my life.

Recently, I've been attending church, and I come for a few things.

1) To gain strength in resisting temptations of desire
2) To keep up my strength to endure the trials of education.
3) To reaffirm my belief in Christ.

Those are my personal goals to attending the church I left 10 years ago. Which is why I usually come alone. However, I'm also still feeling kind of awkward in that I recognize faces, but I can't remember names. I'm a bit nervous as well as to what to say, or do since most of the church is a new community, or doesn't remember my family.

My parents themselves are not ready to return, as there is still conflict between my parents all the time about why we left in the first place and who's idea of God is the correct one, and who's is the devil.

I'm kind of glad to have come back to the church where I first truly believed in Christ to strengthen my own belief. I feel that belief in Christ is a personal and unique relationship. One's idea of Christ could be in the way things interact for the better. Or, a person's conscience mind. To me it's unaccountably a saving grace. From temptation, from fear, and most especially from weakness(struggles of academics, etc...) and death (literally).

Hopefully I can readapt my sleeping patterns so I can atleast wake up for sunday morning service.

Anyways, I think I've ranted a bit too much. I got a bit scatterbrained and wasn't sure what was important or not, so I just ... ranted. Well for those that read this, you know a little bit more about me. If you want to know events of my illness, I'll have to tell you that in 2 separate and long stories some other time :P

Saturday, January 14, 2006

STOP sowing the seeds of doubt! That's what makes this world terrible.

All right, so a series of events occured. Naturally I'd blame it on Friday the 13th, and January 11th, as just supersticiously bad days.

However, I won't because the circumstances of "bad" that supersticion would invoke do not touch people. People have their own characters, and therefore are not swayed by changes in circumstances.

Sooo, why is am I so angry? It's because I was foolish enough to reveal in detail what I planned to do for the future. This makes me vulnerable to either more competition, since the academic world has become a bear pit of people trying to get their idea out on top first. Then that same friend instills doubts and problems in my mind, making what I seek seem impossible. I know you were just helping me to see things realistically, and I know there are hurdles such as what you said. I thought of them in 1st year, in during frosh week, while you were gone, and I was just relaxing waiting for a bus.

I don't care if what I work for won't occur ever, I'll try, and try until I am sure it is impossible. I'm not going to give up until I've done all I can.

Also, the past 3-4 months I thought I was under the impression that someone was giving me hints that they liked me. I guess I was wrong, because they are happily wrapped in their own relationship ^^ The friend from the above paragraph has given me the doubt that this person was flirting with me and just playing around with my mind. The happy girl perhaps might have unknowingly lead me on, or I just fell in the wrong ideas as I tend to do that. The doubt sower again tells me that love isn't worth the trouble. Perhaps it is painful, perhaps I will forever torture myself in trying to find love, and constantly fail in doing so. This I question more. Why do I seek this feeling called true love? Why do I continually risk myself for this entity? Perhaps it's because I have no idea what it is, as one of those many things I do not know. I really still don't know why I seek this.

Something I thought about after all this. In future, it will not be I who loves first. For I am a tinman because I do not posess that which you call a heart. The feelings you send to me, I return as best I can. If you are willing to give me your heart, then I am willing to protect it with my life. Only then will I be what you seek.