Monday, April 17, 2006

Sooo, it's been a good 2 months atleast since I last updated. Mainly because either I was

a) playing games
b) cramming and studying for term papers, and big labs
c) socializing with friends *gasp* actually talking to people.
d) fencing, and doing well. with some off days.

Cramming and studying is the most important one as after screwing up midterms, I was stressed about fixing the grades, as I wouldn't be able to stay in my Honours program if I dropped below a B average, and I was hovering around it. Hopefully my measely 0.64 GPA difference from 1st term can offset my grades.

Started, and almost finished a j-drama (1L of tears) that related a lot to me. To most people, they will wonder how I could possibly know what Ikeuchi Aya goes through. Or, they would think I'm making up stories and lies to gain pity, respect and extra help. For her, she has to struggle through physical ailments, that disrupt and destroy her life in all aspects you could say. For me, it is not so extreme. However, I speak the truth about my experiences with the disease Lupus. It's incurable, but it's got a good treatment now. Well good if you exercise well, and follow the diet to the letter and milligram. As well as cooperate and do not take advantage of your parents kindness towards your illness On my first days visiting the clinic. Seeing large obese children around my age penguin walking around the clinic. All of them with the same disease, all of them under the same treatment. All of that weight being water and not fat (meaning a lot heavier). I vowed that I would not become one to struggle with my body. That I will live my life normal as it was before I got ill. It was and still is hardwork, and I will still never be able to do some things without taking pain still, but I have achieved something that is within the limits of the definition of "normal living person" for those around me. I suppose one of the ways that makes my Lupus convenient is that unlike other patients who can see and feel their pains immediately, I don't. I will get a bruise from fencing in the knee, and it will not show up until the week. It'll also not hurt until it shows up and be much more painful. My version of Lupus is prolonged delayed reaction of illness.

However, even though there was that aspect of the illness, what shocked me the most was that all these children were taking advantage of their parent's kindness. They would whine, like babies for their desires and make it seem that lacking their desires makes their life unbearable. This is the common child patient in the hospital (exception are the dying ones, or the ones who came close to it). I try my best to take care of myself, and to follow orders and do things on my own. My parents advice and help I will take, but I will not attempt to ask for anything more.

I still have physical ailments, but they merely limit my life. A limit I've gone over twice, and nearly caused my own death twice, but I will still live with this invisible disease for the rest of my life.

Recently, I've been attending church, and I come for a few things.

1) To gain strength in resisting temptations of desire
2) To keep up my strength to endure the trials of education.
3) To reaffirm my belief in Christ.

Those are my personal goals to attending the church I left 10 years ago. Which is why I usually come alone. However, I'm also still feeling kind of awkward in that I recognize faces, but I can't remember names. I'm a bit nervous as well as to what to say, or do since most of the church is a new community, or doesn't remember my family.

My parents themselves are not ready to return, as there is still conflict between my parents all the time about why we left in the first place and who's idea of God is the correct one, and who's is the devil.

I'm kind of glad to have come back to the church where I first truly believed in Christ to strengthen my own belief. I feel that belief in Christ is a personal and unique relationship. One's idea of Christ could be in the way things interact for the better. Or, a person's conscience mind. To me it's unaccountably a saving grace. From temptation, from fear, and most especially from weakness(struggles of academics, etc...) and death (literally).

Hopefully I can readapt my sleeping patterns so I can atleast wake up for sunday morning service.

Anyways, I think I've ranted a bit too much. I got a bit scatterbrained and wasn't sure what was important or not, so I just ... ranted. Well for those that read this, you know a little bit more about me. If you want to know events of my illness, I'll have to tell you that in 2 separate and long stories some other time :P

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