Saturday, January 14, 2006

STOP sowing the seeds of doubt! That's what makes this world terrible.

All right, so a series of events occured. Naturally I'd blame it on Friday the 13th, and January 11th, as just supersticiously bad days.

However, I won't because the circumstances of "bad" that supersticion would invoke do not touch people. People have their own characters, and therefore are not swayed by changes in circumstances.

Sooo, why is am I so angry? It's because I was foolish enough to reveal in detail what I planned to do for the future. This makes me vulnerable to either more competition, since the academic world has become a bear pit of people trying to get their idea out on top first. Then that same friend instills doubts and problems in my mind, making what I seek seem impossible. I know you were just helping me to see things realistically, and I know there are hurdles such as what you said. I thought of them in 1st year, in during frosh week, while you were gone, and I was just relaxing waiting for a bus.

I don't care if what I work for won't occur ever, I'll try, and try until I am sure it is impossible. I'm not going to give up until I've done all I can.

Also, the past 3-4 months I thought I was under the impression that someone was giving me hints that they liked me. I guess I was wrong, because they are happily wrapped in their own relationship ^^ The friend from the above paragraph has given me the doubt that this person was flirting with me and just playing around with my mind. The happy girl perhaps might have unknowingly lead me on, or I just fell in the wrong ideas as I tend to do that. The doubt sower again tells me that love isn't worth the trouble. Perhaps it is painful, perhaps I will forever torture myself in trying to find love, and constantly fail in doing so. This I question more. Why do I seek this feeling called true love? Why do I continually risk myself for this entity? Perhaps it's because I have no idea what it is, as one of those many things I do not know. I really still don't know why I seek this.

Something I thought about after all this. In future, it will not be I who loves first. For I am a tinman because I do not posess that which you call a heart. The feelings you send to me, I return as best I can. If you are willing to give me your heart, then I am willing to protect it with my life. Only then will I be what you seek.

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