Saturday, May 29, 2004

What hurts the most, is courage coming with tardiness. Be thankful for your second chances

Somewhat of a different saying for someone that is still hyper and happy from Prom. Well let's start with the beginning of the day. Everything is fine except I felt like someone out of hicksville town, and not knowing where to go to find the right buses to university. I find it, and well I already missed 2 buses. The campus itself isn't very dense, but the amount of space it occupies is tremendous. So my poor flat feet feel fire (Oh, look at the alliteration =D). While getting my package, I meet someone going into the exact same program as me. COOL coincidence! Well, went out to buy an electronic Dice for IB, and then tried heading back home. Unfortunately, I was dropped off at Langstaff and Bayview instead of Langstaff and Yonge. Thus delaying me an extra hour of time. Oh well, got home eventually to still, cut my hair, iron my shirt, and get everything else ready. Getting to the limo was good, it was already there when I arrived ON TIME =P Well, it was worth the late wait since the late ladies blanked the guys minds out in a first appearance. Left a bit later than expected, but we got there on time. Princesses to take note of: little, classy, traditional, royalty with servant taking the bus HAHAHA, blue and simple, and lastly cheerful orange for Mr. PMS (hehehe). Also add pretty and cute to all of the above. If I missed any, beat me up. We still arrived on time. A few pictures and all, hmmm I wonder if the others got their photos done? Bleh if A and I are the only ones, and that was a scheme, BOY will I store the photos deep down in the centre of the earth. J/K, I'll treasure them as much as life. S and his "friend" (DATE) took photos too, and seeing S turn bright red during the position hahaha, I just wish he'd perhaps smile. I also wish I could smile nicely on demand myself. I think I messed up the 2nd photo. Oh well, maybe it'll be airbrushed with improvement or something. The place was very nice, food was okay, and I need to tone down my standards. I still stink at dancing, and I really don't look where I'm going, or what I'm hitting with my arms. Sorry everyone, well things'll improve eventually. Now to that little quote at the top. First the soft music, UGH I missed asking once, because I'm at the other end of the banquet hall, and she went to dance already, that's okay, but there's NOOOOOBODY around either. SAD, tardy, and felt lonely. So I looked out, and up at the sky just to get my focus and personality back. 2nd time, LAAATE because I took a deep breath, and she picked someone. OMG I'm such an IDIOT and a bad "designated date". So I punch my head for being weak. 3rd time! No other chances will be given I think, and I WAS RIGHT! Phew, 3rd time charm? Lucky ducky I am. Oddly in the midst of many eyes too (covers profile and looks away). Bah, who cares, I came to have fun, and have fun with a friend too, so well, erm yeeah, once was how shall I say this, it's kind of hard to describe a success from courage like that. Because I never had a success like that before. So, anyways, it was fun, except i was stepping on her toes I think (so ashamed, I can't even do side-to-side slow dance, how will I ever learn to waltz?!). Kind of silent, except for the odd school talk of the class we both skipped today hahahaha. Piccies I have are from the beginning limo ride as all my outside before limo ride photos were screwed up by bad settings. And I didn't take photos during the event because I'd much rather try to have fun. I kind of don't like active photo taking because you're concentrating on trying to find a good shot, and not enjoy the times. So I have photos at the end before we leave, and the whacky ride back. The girls weren't even drunk yet, but they were soo hyper in the limo. Too much softdrink, anyways, came home to find that I didn't shut my computer down AGAIN, baaad I should shut it down to not give the impression that I'm still around. Well everyone knew in advance I wasn't around, so it was okay too. That's about it, a grand night that I wish lasted until the time I wrote this entry instead of the 12:00AM mark. See you all sooner or later.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Everyone is born with selfishness. Kindness is a trained characteristic. You can't be born with this.

It's been more than just a few days since I last posted, so I thought I might try and just say what's on my mind. Generally, I've been feeling bad lately. Everyday I see 1 of the 2 awards I've ever received in my life. 1 for Chemistry, and 1 on Friday the 14th for a valiant 3rd among about 96 teams. I probably did help in the preliminary robocode rounds for my partner soko. He ran to the walls and stayed out, while I was always tossed in the middle of the fray of crossfire. Took out 4 of the 7 tanks (sometimes including soko), and then went kamikaze afterwards. He got to 1st since he took less damage than I did, and I ended up 4th. Then when finals came, we ended up 3rd, and that was on his own. So receiving this award for 3rd, I don't feel right. I don't feel I deserve the title of 3rd since I really am not 3rd. As for the chem award I got a while ago for 2nd place. I don't feel I deserve this one either because there was a lot of duplication in the tasks. We all knew what we were doing, and I was merely tossed with a copy job of one of the members. And we didn't even get the final answer right. We just bluffed our way to 2nd. This medal should actually go to my friend that got it right on.

Also, I'm a dissappointment to those around me. 2 of my team members have no space on their e-mail addresses for me to send the information to them, 2 of them said "We'll try to print it out" and instead they were actually just praying that I'd do my usual save their sorry @$$es from peril. Well I was going to save everyone's @$$ if I wasn't exhausted from working on the damn thing. 2 and half hours of downloading MS Publisher, 1 hour of typing, and 30 minutes of formatting. Yes, the team got pictures (2 of which were corrupt, and I replaced them), and they did the poster while my report didn't get handed in because I woke up late (I need a minimum number of hours of sleep or I don't function). So I let my entire team down because I wasn't able to hand it in the morning of because I was in a rush to get to my bus for Engineering Olympics. I let down my team captain for d-boat because I told her the night before or earlier that I would probably be late for the Friday water practice because of Engineering Olympics. However, the sched changed greatly, in that I was informed on the bus that we leave Y university an hour later of what the form stated as the return time to school (add an extra 2 hrs to return time) So when I got back to school, it was 5:30PM and not 3:45PM as I told her. Midst of rush, I wouldn't be able to get down there until it was over, and so we gave up. I being very depressed because I misinformed her, and that I let my team down again. I packed my tools, went home, around the 8:00PM mark when dinner was ready, and I was digging through my bag to see if I still had my lunch, I noticed the award I got is missing. I thought I left it behind in school, and so I went back there to find it. Search the school, and find nothing, I'm outside for a while enjoying the breeze, and the weather, and I see the bus come in for d-boat. 18 people came, which means we were close to a full boat T_T I've only done 1 practise with a full boat. Also I could only talk to the teacher in charge, and 1 of my friends. Everyone else just went poof, dissappeared. So with an increase in depression, I walk the long way home, hoping I'd atleast get to wave hello if their car passed by. Didn't turn out that way, so I just walked home. I come home, to know that my family knows me well. I don't want them to wait for me to come back to eat. I look in my backpack as well, and find that the award was in my stationary compartment of my bag and curse myself for wasting time.

Well you can see I generally feel left out and isolated. Somehow, I've managed to find myself walled in by not myself, but by the people around me. 1 factor being that I'm older, and I got my acceptances in March while people were still waiting for their bribe letters. Another one probably being my view on Y university. Yes it's got a ton of dumb people, I realize that, and they got enough dough to make a shopping mall in the middle of campus. I'm not going to their well-acclaimed business school that everyone dreams of going to. I'm not going into the program that people know is safe and decent. Here's a little thing about me that you probably didn't realize you offended.

I'm an explorer, I do things that family, and seemingly friends as well would never try. I'm heading to an emerging field. Merging with Mathematics and Sciences again. I'm not the classic asian teen with the pushy parents, and the want to escape home. I want to leave home but not to escape parents, I don't want to be a burden upon them as I have done. I'm not going into Life Sciences Biology because I have no idea what I'm doing, and it looks like a quick place for Med school, cash, and parents are pushing for vanity (classic asian parental guidance). I go into Life Sciences Biology because I want to help with research. MDs these days are mainly tradesmen as my sister told me. They're trained to do what they like, and that's it. It's not a research opportunity, you save lives, but only with what you currently have, if you can't save a life because you don't have the right tech, then they can't do too much. Creating things that could improve an MD's way of healing is what I like to do. A blacksmith for the knights is a good analogy. Knights get the glory, and the blacksmith just works on. It is what I see in my High School right now. My friends would be squires looking up to the knightly position and their ways. While I an apprentice with a blacksmith trying to make a better sword for knights to wield.

Something on society: Canadians aren't risk takers, they aren't responsible, and you'd think we'd be socialble, but that is an extremelfy false statement. The lack of risk taking kills any conversation. I will switch to a mode where I am talking to another person.

Nobody's responsible because you think I'll get mad when I hear you can't do something. Well I'd be mad if you didn't do or say anything at all, because it shows you don't try. But if you tell me you are not capable, I'd pass it off,and find alternative solutions to make it possible. This is where I always try my hardest to change the problem so that you can do it, and you can feel you are capable. Lie to me to show you can do what I ask, and I am just enraged at both you and myself. I'm angry at you because you are dishonest, and I am angry at myself because I let myself be optimistic about your abilities.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

With age comes experience, and with experience comes wisdom

Well as I recall the last time I said I'd make an entry was when passed the next cycle of goods and bads. Well life in general is not exactly picking up in terms of being overly happy because I am not allowing myself that priviledge. Mainly because even though a lot of good things have happened, I have a pile of stuff to do as well, and family is still in pretty bad shape. Friday found out that uncle with a stroke is recovering well^^ However, my other uncle has internal bleeding, because of his may colon ulcers. So both my uncles are in hospital recovering or waiting for operations. Saturday turned out well, and I was hoping it would instead of the disasters that sfk was anticipating at the the event. That was a lot of fun, even though my job there was pretty dull in itself. Well after I didn't feel tired because well I pretty much sat around and watched stuff and people ;) for the 8hrs until my legs were stiff. So going home, I still had a bit of energy. Went to work on discrete, and finished 1 section. I really can't work at night like a lot of people can. Well worked until 3:00AM helping another out, to the point that I had to tell them I'll blackout when lie down in bed, which I did, and I woke up at 1:00PM the next day. Sunday I spent hoping to cram my scrap book, but no avail I can not ignore family and we ended up making dumplings that day, and doing other stuff. Well I did finish it at 11:00PM that evening, but I couldn't work on anything else that I had hoped to do, so a small disappointment in my own thought of self-accomplishment. Today is an okay day except that I slept in, and slightly rushed to do everything. Mr. R is going through assignments at lightning speed, and it's hard to keep up. Atleast these assignments are mainly completion marks because he himself can't keep up with the pace hahaha. Helped a friend in need, got some sonars to play with, have a 1 day extension on the scrapbook, and I still have discrete untouched (NOoo! I MUST DESTROY THE HMWK!). Went to engineering, started working on an angry tracker hahahaha, and watched as our egg football thrown has its egg still intact at the centre Yaaay, we're really moving. Talked a lot about our accidents, all my accidents are usually bicycle wipeouts, while everyone else in engineering has been hit with baseball bats, flew over MTB path cliffs, some IV hospital mishaps, or hit by a car and not even hurt o_O. Well Went home after that, and got a game I ordered ^^ Yaay back to my GRADIUS addiction. My birthday is coming up, and well looking forward to it as even though nothing really big happens on it, I still look forward to it because it means I survived another year of life while bombarded by constant health problems that I overcome each year.