Thursday, August 12, 2004

Yah, it's late at night that I'm starting this, because I tried to finish a section in my calc textbook, but I didn't understand most of it. I don't understand why HK makes concepts as simple as domain and range, and inverse function complicated. There's no need to throw set theory into it, and it doesn't save on paper, and it just confuses people about set theory as well.

This isn't the main reason for my rant, and I don't usually have this much to talk about or blabber out here during the week. It's about me getting my report card and watching my grade in Discrete drop 7-10% (I don't remember my mark going into the exam except that it was around 77-80%). Yes I bombed the Discrete exam, and I felt really bad about it when I left the exam room. I already said I think I failed it and people replied with "It's okay, you tried your best, that's all that counts. Besides it's over, relax." Even my parents said that after the exam, and I told them I think I didn't do well. So I did cheer up, I did move away from those thoughts. When I got my report card, I was first surprised it dropped so much, but I wasn't surprised that I did badly on the exam (47%). My old time friend came by, and we had fun discussing games, and playing on the PS1 like we did when we were younger, and when PS1 was the best console present. I told my parents honestly during dinner that my marked dropped so much, and they first didn't say anything because my friend was with us during dinner. After he left, I don't remember how it started, but right afterwards I was yelled at for my laziness, I take for granted that I'm not pressured (hey I'm being yelled at here for a drop in grades, isn't this pressure to do better by insulting me), that my friends work harder for so much smaller and are much higher in grades than me(does that mean I should cut contact with all my friends that do better than me?), that I shouldn't need to study because my dad didn't need to study and can get 100%, so I should have been able to do that too.

I'm sorry I can't get 100% without studying. The best I can do is a 97% on a test that was meant to see our presentation of mathematical proofs. I'm sorry I'm not hard-working and cynical like my sister when it comes to academics. My mind wanders, or it tires easily. I can't be truly cynical because it's not my character to be like that. I'm sorry I don't seek help because I really do know the concepts and I can do it if I'm not under pressure. I'm sorry I believed everyone when they comforted me with "don't worry about it," because that was a lie, and I should have hurt myself for knowing I did badly. I'm sorry that my best isn't good enough for anyone, it's mediocre, and I guess that's all I can be.

Perhaps I should have taken advantage of that special considerations and asked for a time extension. Perhaps I should have not done any extra-curriculars, as it wouldn't matter to anyone. I'm easily replaceable, and they don't have to worry about the special bad things about me (Lupus). Perhaps I should not have made new friends this year so I could maintain focus. Perhaps ...

"Perhaps I should " is too late, and it has happened. I've been insulted to the point of being ashamed that I'm always in the presence of absolute intelligence, but I am not able to achieve what they can. I can't express any of this because I haven't the proof, or I'm denied that it is truth, or I'm told "don't think about others, think about yourself!" (This is useful, if I'm not constantly compared to others by people around me).

Here's what I hate about being middle of everything. My best is mediocre, it's not good enough for anyone. Bad things happen, and I feel bad. I know it's going to get worse when I tell I did bad, or when family sees I did bad. So I can't escape it. When I've done wrong, and it is known, it hurts to know that I made a mistake, again. It hurts more to know that people like to jump on it and crush me more (some people in school that I hate fervently, and my immediate family). When I'm down, and tell myself I know I did wrong, I'm told to cheer up, only to be hurt again when results come back, and I didn't deliver. When I tell the truth, I'm not noted for honesty and promptness. I'm noted for the mistake I made and the punishment that is deserviing of the crime. I know my family is trying to help me, but it's not helpful to insult me, and to compare me to everyone else. This isn't deserving of a memory because it's bad stuff, I get this very often, so you'll probably see something similar later in my life or in the year.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

ARGH! I got bad timing again. Well just a description of the context of my subject first: When I play first person shooters, I always come out when an enemy is about to run out of ammo. ABOUT to run out, they're not actually out of ammo at the time I come out of cover, so I get shot and die. Same with online games where I'm about to enter a corridor, and I enter in the strafing motion, I still die, the enemy is on opposite wall I'm entering so I'd have to turn and shoot them which takes longer than the guy to click his mouse and kill me again. That's why I don't like First-person perspective shooters.

Anyways on to the main rant. I have very bad luck and super-duper bad timing. It's the reason why I'm discouraged now to hold gatherings. Nobody's available when I organise, unless I hold one every week consistently so I can hit the right spot. But really, I don't have time to do that as it takes me a lot of effort to first tell my parents, and the plans of what we'll do, then to clean the house from its usual brotherly bombed state (ARGH he is too messy, and the house isn't always as clean as people see it), and I assume that no answer means people don't even know that I've set a gathering up (which is often the case!).

*sigh* I'm not mad at anyone, so I'd like the people I invited not to say sorry. It's not their fault, it's my fault for even initiating such an event. I'm just mad at my bad timing again. It happens. It's kind of sad for me though as I'm staring to not remember the voices of my friends anymore. I still kind of remember them, but they're faint, soft and quiet.