Tuesday, December 08, 2009

I am very very tired.

Tired in the manner of being unmotivated and just general down and out.

Reasons why:

Life is changing, and it has happened so fast that I didn't start feeling the implications of things changing until yesterday/today (which is about 3-4 days after it started).

That change is that I might move to Vancouver for work, which means abandoning college here, means abandoning any plans I had here with my heavy involvement of extra-curriculars, and from my previous track record of things, dropping off a lot of connections I have here. Some of which I spent time to actually work in.

Now it's not going to happen immediately, and it's not even guaranteed, I'm only on the 2nd level of screening, and there's more after it. So there's still a pretty good possibility I'm not going to even get in. Plus from what I checked, I'm spending 1200 on plane and hotel to do the 2nd screening test (not even counting food yet). So it's a big gamble of all or nothing considering that's all I have left for money too.

The other thing is that I lost 15-8 to my student in a proper fencing duel. Did my best, started to panic, started to do crazy things (which worked better than some of my usual stuff, and I got reprimanded for it to not do crazy things), but basically I lost and cracked under the pressure of the fear of loss before it even ended. So what's so significant about it? Well, this duel was suppose to be at our true best, our 100%, everything we've got, and I put everything I got into it, and I couldn't change anything. The challenger did the same things over and over again, the same bad habits they were doing, that they do best at, the same weakness that I never amended. It was a match of who could poke each other closer distances, and the shorter one always wins. Well, now I've lost confidence in my teaching, whether I'll still be respected as a teacher, and I can't see anything good in me about fencing anymore, why should I stay if I can't teach that much? Why should I stay if I can't even perform well?

I feared that a non-friendly "Go all out" duel would do a number on the loser, be it my challenger or I would get hit hard emotionally/mentally from this. AND IT HAPPENED! I feel like utter shit. I never have duels, I just spar, and play around because I don't want to hurt people or myself mentally/emotionally. I've lost control before, and it has REALLY BAD outcomes as a) we know from previous posts here about me wishing death on family members, and me actually hurting people (giving cuts to people) when it was the wrong time and place for things. When I'm in tournaments, I'm still not "serious." I'm still just playing a game, not actually fighting. Which was why my first offense was using my off-hand as a tool for parrying. I was in the mindset of a true duel. I had this 1 specific duel in the name of helping my student (the challenger), and it helped them, at my own personal cost of self-esteem and pride.

Another pointer for possible bummer syndrome is fear of losing respect from that person, and losing that person as a student.

My archery hasn't changed a lot too for the past 4 months, I hit target, but never consistent on where I hit, so I'm at a plateau, and can't get better.

I haven't shot pistol in ages, and it only improves sporadically because it's like a beginner that's starting up, Going from zero to 1 is an infinite improvement.

Perhaps it is time to lay down my arms, and move to something else, whatever ordinary people do I guess, or whatever else I find that tickles my fancy.

It's a possibility I'm just taking things too seriously, or too deeply, but, if it happens it just does.