Thursday, January 29, 2004

Endings are always a mixed bag

It's over, exams are finally delt with, and the semester is over. I enjoyed the semester, a lot more than I usually do. So leaving a semester this year, I have an acute feeling that I'm leaving something that was really great. It was really great though, I discovered a great deal of things, academically, socially, and other things that I can only inadequately describe. There were bad times, but I don't wish them to go away, I actually wish them back so I can fix them. Oh well, no point in dwelling over it. I shall look forward to the next semester, but I have 1 problem. Depending on my grades this semester, I may have to retake a course, I know that it's not a big deal for most students to retake. However, I feel ashamed in retaking something I knew I could have done better in. I've had lots of support, or shall I say comments that I'm a really smart person, I don't have pressure from my parents (well not from my dad atleast), and I shouldn't worry about my grades. It helps a bit, but if it's all online, I feel worse because #1 it only pops up over the distant lines, and #2 it still indicates that my social skills are worse than mice.

An observation is that I don't know about anything happening outside of school until perhaps a day before it happens, or right on the fly. I suppose nobody has noticed that I do everything in an fairly ok and well planned manner. I know I should initiate sometimes and ask, but if I do that all the time, does anybody really bother remember doing that in return (an invitation, a hint, a warning)? Since it has become a very planar jump into society, I'm kind of tired, and I really wonder if I am even valued more than being a gathering planner, an entertainer, or a textbook reference. Is that really all I am?

A contradictory thought though that has made me the "jobs" I am is whether I am a selfish person or not. I always feel I am selfish, am I doing something only to self-gratify myself? Is it okay to do something for myself? Something that sticks to mind is grad photos. I was nervous asking questions to the photographer for myself. But I was comfortable in showing my friends where to sign up an appointment, or ask questions to the photographer for help (on behalf of my friends). It's an unusual thought, but it just sticks to mind that I feel comfortable asking to help another, but I can not help myself.

Help yourself, before you help others

A saying that is very well known, and yet I can never follow this properly. Am I just stupid?! I don't know, it's all swirling, and circling around my head.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Parallels in life, that see each other, but never cross paths

Wow, I very long time since I touched any of these pages. Mainly because I have been quite busy, and I'm on the edge of completely losing all my "super-brain powers." Those powers comes from sleep, and relaxation actually, where I would usually have a decent balance between sleep, relaxation and work. However, I recently have also been bombarded by tests, quizzes, major evaluations this month that I couldn't stand it. EUT was the tuesday I got back to school, Doc appointment on Wednesday, quiz on the friday, and a day behind in all the work, test on the thursday of that day. That was the first week. This week is the Bio presentation, and I am still amazed that I would take the largest and most important section of the unit -____- I guess I am prone to always taking more than I can handle. ANOTHER test on the thursday, same as everyone else but I was completely unprepared for it. Today is a physics test, but I think I'm okay with it. Hopefully all my evaluations in the past 2 weeks will come in much earlier before the exam so I can read it again. I still have a few things to do on Monday, and tuesday. So yah, I'm sure everyone else is tired and exhausted from all this, so I can't blame the world for my problems.

I suppose I could not feel bad that during the past 2 weeks I was up to speed with everyone else as well. BUT it somewhat feels bad to know that I degraded my speed to the same as everyone else, as a previous good quality of mine was the speed at which I could do things. I wish I could parallel process like I did last semester with D/M, English, and Bio11. But I've lost my sense of direction, my clear mind, and a great passion that I previously beheld. Without those, I can not do what I did last semester again.

A clear mind I had before was when my parents were still taking care of me, and I didn't have responsibility to a great many things except for school. A direction I lost when I realized I was capable of doing something great, but in a different place. A passion I lost was because I realized it could do nothing that could fulfill a deep desire of mine's, to live a free life from the shackles of disease. My previous passion was only a selfish desire to fulfill my ego. That passion has changed, and I made that realization last year in November, when I saw a new direction and potential. It only further emphasized my change in direction when I found out that a dear friend of mine's has been sentenced to receive the same shackles I am currently bound by. Her time is unknown, and she now lives with a lingering thought that someday, disease may come for her. She still a very good friend, somebody I still care for very deeply, but it can not come to more, something dictates that we can not be together.

Saturday, January 03, 2004

Good times come with good effort

Good morning for yet another late entry, but have you noticed that I'm much happier at night than during the day? Maybe I am a night animal that enjoys the seclusion of darkness, the beauty of a moon, and the dazzling of stars. Haha, the only ones out here if it were that would be black cats, racoons, foxes and wolves. There are people that are already racoons and black cats I know, I'm no where near as attractive as a fox, so I guess I'm the scruffy wolf that looks up at the sky all the time.

Well, yet another successful party with my friends, which is very nice. And the clean up only took 2 hours, not 6! Yaay, I don't have to worry about that when I go to sleep tonight. Although I'm a bit puzzled as to everyone's lack of appetite from 2 weeks ago. Either that or I didn't realize how much some ate that weren't present. Oh well, I guess family and I will eat up the rest over the next 2 days. Lots of fun with a well balanced, violent movie, some fighting games that we all enjoyed, and were pretty fun to since I'm getting the hang of it now. Lots of good help in the kitchen making the stuff, and everyone's cooperation to help clean up. Woow lots of fun, and we even did karaoke, although slightly a bit late for the one making the presentation, next time, next time ^^

It's fun to talk to people in person, and the animals of the night are very friendly. They're very interesting people, the only problem is that topics don't pop up to get to know people since the majority of conversations in person are fairly shallow. Getting deeper is often, harder in person because there is fear of a very emotional reaction that is not happy =D Ai, why am I delving on this? I don't know I just notice these things. Oh well, I'm very happy, I've still got tons of work ahead of me, but I'm very happy. I've had a few good conversations today, one on culture and character, and the other on personal stories and adventures =D It's really hard to get such conversations out in the open because such conversations are rare in a group, but with 1 person (in person or online), it comes out. It's really nice, and it tightens those loose connections with people. I've never really noticed it until today while a wolf talks to a racoon on how they gather food, places they've been, why one has a family of little ones and lets go when they're big enough, the other always stays in a pack of best friends, family dynamics, and family history. Lots of fun, not a party, but still just as fun =D