Thursday, January 29, 2004

Endings are always a mixed bag

It's over, exams are finally delt with, and the semester is over. I enjoyed the semester, a lot more than I usually do. So leaving a semester this year, I have an acute feeling that I'm leaving something that was really great. It was really great though, I discovered a great deal of things, academically, socially, and other things that I can only inadequately describe. There were bad times, but I don't wish them to go away, I actually wish them back so I can fix them. Oh well, no point in dwelling over it. I shall look forward to the next semester, but I have 1 problem. Depending on my grades this semester, I may have to retake a course, I know that it's not a big deal for most students to retake. However, I feel ashamed in retaking something I knew I could have done better in. I've had lots of support, or shall I say comments that I'm a really smart person, I don't have pressure from my parents (well not from my dad atleast), and I shouldn't worry about my grades. It helps a bit, but if it's all online, I feel worse because #1 it only pops up over the distant lines, and #2 it still indicates that my social skills are worse than mice.

An observation is that I don't know about anything happening outside of school until perhaps a day before it happens, or right on the fly. I suppose nobody has noticed that I do everything in an fairly ok and well planned manner. I know I should initiate sometimes and ask, but if I do that all the time, does anybody really bother remember doing that in return (an invitation, a hint, a warning)? Since it has become a very planar jump into society, I'm kind of tired, and I really wonder if I am even valued more than being a gathering planner, an entertainer, or a textbook reference. Is that really all I am?

A contradictory thought though that has made me the "jobs" I am is whether I am a selfish person or not. I always feel I am selfish, am I doing something only to self-gratify myself? Is it okay to do something for myself? Something that sticks to mind is grad photos. I was nervous asking questions to the photographer for myself. But I was comfortable in showing my friends where to sign up an appointment, or ask questions to the photographer for help (on behalf of my friends). It's an unusual thought, but it just sticks to mind that I feel comfortable asking to help another, but I can not help myself.

Help yourself, before you help others

A saying that is very well known, and yet I can never follow this properly. Am I just stupid?! I don't know, it's all swirling, and circling around my head.

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