Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Urgh, for goodness sake, since when has John become a target for displeasure! Is it because I'm too happy once again?! I must be kept in some form of agony, either by being left in a cliff hanger to know somebody is unsure of themself or just merely the victim of a short tempered sibling. I'm supposedly their guide to the right course of action, but I was contradicted each and every time I suggested something. Now I scared them off by expressing my annoyance! It's either one or the other, helping with degradation inside, or keeping my assurances to myself. It seems everyone around me never is unsure of themselves, I always get the "Are you sure?" question. This is my answer that I will never say, because I can confirm it yes or no as I trust in my own logic.

I'm going to be super corny and cliche right now. If you don't believe in what you say, or do, then nobody else can be for sure of what you're saying or doing is correct. Here's the logic behind the cliche, your thoughts and actions are your opinions and positions, if you're not sure about something, then you will tend to think about the opposing opinion and positions, thus you either have equal strengthed arguments, or you're position is weak and shaky physically. Since you have equally strengthed opinions, then you end up getting a headache from wondering which one is right as both seem right at the current time. So you usually look for help to sway one side or the other, OR you shut up in a conversation because you can't take a stand IN the conversation! Thus is the way if an anti-conversationalist, or an isolative person. I've been that way, and I'm sick of it, the loneliness really sux because nobody knows you, or you (I) think that nobody knows you (I).

Now I'm done with, I know this is offensive, and they're going to say "Hey, we have feelings too, I'm just thinking from another's perspective, and rebutting with that" If you're going to think in that perspective all the time, then why ask me for help if you can do the reverse just fine. I'd love to help, and I GUESS it's okay to have me thinking my old ways too, but I don't like it because I end up wasting countless hours writing and typing, and end up at the end, saying "Oh what the heck, I'm just going to BS with this position," blurt it all out, and end up when I get it back "Oh, I got a decent grade =D"

The 2nd thing is that if I'm a slight annoyance to another, then don't jump all over me and hit me emotionally in a strong attack(whiny sibling) or throw me off a cliff to hang (asking for help). Pain Pain pain, as one of the radio messages on my flight sims quotes "WANT SOME MORE?!"

Sunday, December 28, 2003

As my friend's display name says Ever Onward - Funz over, time to study. Well atleast the holidays were good for the most part. Party on the Friday starting of the holiday with a party, bike riding in december, playing games throughout, cleaning the house up, talking with friends, and getting my airplane done. Well the landing gear broke again because glue does not work very well over tape. I will add a triangle support to my landing gear, and hopefully it'll be a bit better. Played lots of games, mainly computer space combat simulations, and that's it. I got 2 presents this year, which is less than usual, but the thought and quality from these 2 gifts outweight the quantity by a thousand times =D A photo album from a friend, and sweater from my cousin.

Gifts to my family were cards and money to our older cousins (Anna and Leslie), and something else for our younger cousin (Derek not telling, as that may give away his age) =P However the best gift I think the family shared was each other's company last night. My sister could talk to Anna, and Leslie could kind of show off his girlfriend that my dad mistakenly mistook for one of his previous girlfriends WHOOPS! Hahaha, well parents, uncles and aunts all had good fun I think talking and chatting for hours about jobs, about us the little ones growing up really fast, and about other things like cameras and projectors. Derek and my little brother had fun sword fighting each other, and also played on the computer (bionicle.com again)^^

Yes everyone was having fun, with the exception of the oddball being emphasized this year. I am 6 years younger than my older cousins, and 6 years older than my younger cousins. And there's absolutely nothing in between. So I was bouncing back and forth between the 3 groups of people, I mainly stuck with the parents and uncles because sis and anna are having a girly talk, and the little ones are playing a boring flash game. But even there, because of my lack of cantonese, I could only understand bits of it. But it was enough to get the points, not the humour though that sometimes occured. Also, I'm a lot younger than all of them, so I don't have much to say either, except that I would probably feel like my little brother blurting and not thinking. So I just listened hard and tried to learn a bit.

Funz over, time to study, I spent 13hrs sleeping last night! Holy smokes, how can I just sleep like that. What happened to my fixed waking time! I read half the book section of electrochemical impulses last night when the party was over, and I will spend today typing everything up, and finishing bio today probably. Go out tomorrow with mousey and university company to "yum cha" and perhaps land my foot in a fob mall without parents giving me only 5 seconds to look into a game shop. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday has no plans, and Friday has very sketchy plans still, I better get that rolling then.

As for that previous entry, any pain that I felt has passed over, and healed. Any yearnings for openness with others though is always there, also new things that I think about is whether I am still a selfish person, and is what I do for self-gratification? I don't know, I have to think about it over time.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

It's been a long time since I was here, and it's been a long time since anyone visited. Well I come back on a very bad note, and so here is the latest entry.

It happened again, and it will continue to occur. The law of conservation of happiness. As much as I try create a happy life, and perhaps for those around me, it is impossible to create a place of increasing the happiness in the system we know of as society. Something has to give, happiness is not infinite. Well maybe it is if you have a loved one, but then you would probably just die if they left you in the dust, so there you go, it can apply to them too.

I suppose this is a rant page for some, and a page of theories for me. But it`s no theory of what I just said. Just look at perhaps the happiness of a selfish person makes a self-less person angry. Couples playing lovey dovey in the stairwells or halls make the people around them feel uncomfortable.

I`m bitter, I`m depressed, and I can`t let it out. I have to keep up my appearances for Christmas, for the family gathering that we actually decided to host this coming Saturday. I shouldn`t let anything out or I might hurt the one that just hurt me. I don`t want to hurt you, but yet something in me is still hurting more and more. I want to move on, but this time it is very hard. I tried so hard thinking that there was something that I could nurture, thinking the hints were meant for me. No they aren`t meant John.

I`m too hard to read, or I`m too slow, or I show something too strongly, or I don`t know the balance, or! None of those. I`m just not the type of person that is close to anyone. That is the true reason why. I`m not close to anyone, and nobody is close to me. So how can I build anything if I`m so far from people. I`ve found my problem, but I don`t know how to fix it. I can`t fix it because people are guarding themselves from bandits that take all that you hold dear, make you suffer, and run in their bliss. Well I guess that`s it. I`ll just be the peddlar that walks from fort to fort (person to person) asking for friendship, only to be thrown out because I look like a suspicious bandit.

I'm moving to xanga as I'm experimenting and the layout is fairly simple and to my liking.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

My life is currently on the line, going without my blood pressure meds for 2 days. Don`t do anything sudden or it might cost me dearly.

December 5, 2003 - 7:56PM

Life crumbles, it doesn`t explode. I have bad timing, I`m not organised enough, parents assume I don`t have a contingency plan, and I`m too anti-social still.

There are some stuck up grade 9ers in robotics that think they`re all that, but don`t even realize that they`re venturing into the competition without a brain. In addition you don`t try to steal from me >=@ Next time that kid tries that again, i swear I`m going to do more than hit his hands away from me.

Life crumbles, because the team isn`t anywhere near to unified, I guess that`s because everyone is a noob and isn`t willing to take a chance to give in or take initiative, unproductive today there =T It also crumbles because when one organises a party, everyone replies in a trickle of rejections. Should I be happy about that? I think it`s just ok that`s all, not bad or anything. I have that hope throughout the time that maybe just 1 or 2 people can come, but when they both say no simultaneously it`s not as much of a shocker or bad feeling as everyone yelling "NO!"

Parents still treat me as a a fragile sick kid. A kid that is as precious as a soap bubble, but with the capabilities of Theseus (find and kill a minotaur within a labryinth, and escape the impossible maze). If I can`t pursue what I can, want and willing to do then what is the point to my existence? Am I hear merely to suffer infront of the world, and show them that I can survive whatever damage they can inflict upon me? I WILL NOT YIELD! I will do what I can, I will do what I love to do, and I will do what keeps my sanity. That is to help people, and make them feel happy. This is what I like to do. It keeps me sane because if I wasn`t trying to do that sincerely, I`d probably let my evil corrupt mind run rampant and do evil stuff (you don`t want to know). It`s also kind of a side reason why I host planned parties at my place. I enjoy their company, and they seem to enjoy coming or being in everyone else`s company. It`s not under the setting of a school, so it`s a bit more social. That`s all for now, I`m going to do hmwk and surprise someone =P