Tuesday, December 23, 2003

It's been a long time since I was here, and it's been a long time since anyone visited. Well I come back on a very bad note, and so here is the latest entry.

It happened again, and it will continue to occur. The law of conservation of happiness. As much as I try create a happy life, and perhaps for those around me, it is impossible to create a place of increasing the happiness in the system we know of as society. Something has to give, happiness is not infinite. Well maybe it is if you have a loved one, but then you would probably just die if they left you in the dust, so there you go, it can apply to them too.

I suppose this is a rant page for some, and a page of theories for me. But it`s no theory of what I just said. Just look at perhaps the happiness of a selfish person makes a self-less person angry. Couples playing lovey dovey in the stairwells or halls make the people around them feel uncomfortable.

I`m bitter, I`m depressed, and I can`t let it out. I have to keep up my appearances for Christmas, for the family gathering that we actually decided to host this coming Saturday. I shouldn`t let anything out or I might hurt the one that just hurt me. I don`t want to hurt you, but yet something in me is still hurting more and more. I want to move on, but this time it is very hard. I tried so hard thinking that there was something that I could nurture, thinking the hints were meant for me. No they aren`t meant John.

I`m too hard to read, or I`m too slow, or I show something too strongly, or I don`t know the balance, or! None of those. I`m just not the type of person that is close to anyone. That is the true reason why. I`m not close to anyone, and nobody is close to me. So how can I build anything if I`m so far from people. I`ve found my problem, but I don`t know how to fix it. I can`t fix it because people are guarding themselves from bandits that take all that you hold dear, make you suffer, and run in their bliss. Well I guess that`s it. I`ll just be the peddlar that walks from fort to fort (person to person) asking for friendship, only to be thrown out because I look like a suspicious bandit.

I'm moving to xanga as I'm experimenting and the layout is fairly simple and to my liking.

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