Saturday, May 15, 2004

Everyone is born with selfishness. Kindness is a trained characteristic. You can't be born with this.

It's been more than just a few days since I last posted, so I thought I might try and just say what's on my mind. Generally, I've been feeling bad lately. Everyday I see 1 of the 2 awards I've ever received in my life. 1 for Chemistry, and 1 on Friday the 14th for a valiant 3rd among about 96 teams. I probably did help in the preliminary robocode rounds for my partner soko. He ran to the walls and stayed out, while I was always tossed in the middle of the fray of crossfire. Took out 4 of the 7 tanks (sometimes including soko), and then went kamikaze afterwards. He got to 1st since he took less damage than I did, and I ended up 4th. Then when finals came, we ended up 3rd, and that was on his own. So receiving this award for 3rd, I don't feel right. I don't feel I deserve the title of 3rd since I really am not 3rd. As for the chem award I got a while ago for 2nd place. I don't feel I deserve this one either because there was a lot of duplication in the tasks. We all knew what we were doing, and I was merely tossed with a copy job of one of the members. And we didn't even get the final answer right. We just bluffed our way to 2nd. This medal should actually go to my friend that got it right on.

Also, I'm a dissappointment to those around me. 2 of my team members have no space on their e-mail addresses for me to send the information to them, 2 of them said "We'll try to print it out" and instead they were actually just praying that I'd do my usual save their sorry @$$es from peril. Well I was going to save everyone's @$$ if I wasn't exhausted from working on the damn thing. 2 and half hours of downloading MS Publisher, 1 hour of typing, and 30 minutes of formatting. Yes, the team got pictures (2 of which were corrupt, and I replaced them), and they did the poster while my report didn't get handed in because I woke up late (I need a minimum number of hours of sleep or I don't function). So I let my entire team down because I wasn't able to hand it in the morning of because I was in a rush to get to my bus for Engineering Olympics. I let down my team captain for d-boat because I told her the night before or earlier that I would probably be late for the Friday water practice because of Engineering Olympics. However, the sched changed greatly, in that I was informed on the bus that we leave Y university an hour later of what the form stated as the return time to school (add an extra 2 hrs to return time) So when I got back to school, it was 5:30PM and not 3:45PM as I told her. Midst of rush, I wouldn't be able to get down there until it was over, and so we gave up. I being very depressed because I misinformed her, and that I let my team down again. I packed my tools, went home, around the 8:00PM mark when dinner was ready, and I was digging through my bag to see if I still had my lunch, I noticed the award I got is missing. I thought I left it behind in school, and so I went back there to find it. Search the school, and find nothing, I'm outside for a while enjoying the breeze, and the weather, and I see the bus come in for d-boat. 18 people came, which means we were close to a full boat T_T I've only done 1 practise with a full boat. Also I could only talk to the teacher in charge, and 1 of my friends. Everyone else just went poof, dissappeared. So with an increase in depression, I walk the long way home, hoping I'd atleast get to wave hello if their car passed by. Didn't turn out that way, so I just walked home. I come home, to know that my family knows me well. I don't want them to wait for me to come back to eat. I look in my backpack as well, and find that the award was in my stationary compartment of my bag and curse myself for wasting time.

Well you can see I generally feel left out and isolated. Somehow, I've managed to find myself walled in by not myself, but by the people around me. 1 factor being that I'm older, and I got my acceptances in March while people were still waiting for their bribe letters. Another one probably being my view on Y university. Yes it's got a ton of dumb people, I realize that, and they got enough dough to make a shopping mall in the middle of campus. I'm not going to their well-acclaimed business school that everyone dreams of going to. I'm not going into the program that people know is safe and decent. Here's a little thing about me that you probably didn't realize you offended.

I'm an explorer, I do things that family, and seemingly friends as well would never try. I'm heading to an emerging field. Merging with Mathematics and Sciences again. I'm not the classic asian teen with the pushy parents, and the want to escape home. I want to leave home but not to escape parents, I don't want to be a burden upon them as I have done. I'm not going into Life Sciences Biology because I have no idea what I'm doing, and it looks like a quick place for Med school, cash, and parents are pushing for vanity (classic asian parental guidance). I go into Life Sciences Biology because I want to help with research. MDs these days are mainly tradesmen as my sister told me. They're trained to do what they like, and that's it. It's not a research opportunity, you save lives, but only with what you currently have, if you can't save a life because you don't have the right tech, then they can't do too much. Creating things that could improve an MD's way of healing is what I like to do. A blacksmith for the knights is a good analogy. Knights get the glory, and the blacksmith just works on. It is what I see in my High School right now. My friends would be squires looking up to the knightly position and their ways. While I an apprentice with a blacksmith trying to make a better sword for knights to wield.

Something on society: Canadians aren't risk takers, they aren't responsible, and you'd think we'd be socialble, but that is an extremelfy false statement. The lack of risk taking kills any conversation. I will switch to a mode where I am talking to another person.

Nobody's responsible because you think I'll get mad when I hear you can't do something. Well I'd be mad if you didn't do or say anything at all, because it shows you don't try. But if you tell me you are not capable, I'd pass it off,and find alternative solutions to make it possible. This is where I always try my hardest to change the problem so that you can do it, and you can feel you are capable. Lie to me to show you can do what I ask, and I am just enraged at both you and myself. I'm angry at you because you are dishonest, and I am angry at myself because I let myself be optimistic about your abilities.

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