Saturday, March 13, 2004

Autobot Jazz (before Moonbase 1 is devoured by Unicron): "Talk to me!, Welcome me!, Hello, Hello, Earth!"

Okay, so it has been an extremely long time since I've last wrote here.  Well mainly because things have been volatile in my moods, and I like to keep these entries with as little mood swings as possible.  Things go by, things happen, and despite several efforts to stay in touch with reality, I realize I'm still very far out from mainstream.  I can't help it either. I realize that if I try to give contact information out so people can call me, then it was a wasteful act to do so.  When I say call me, I mean CALL me, I've given my phone number out a few times.  I guess I'm just not worth the paperspace for that number to stay anywhere.  People are under too great of an assumption that I'm online all the time as well.  When they do need or want to talk to me, I'm not there because I'm doing extra-curriculars, or I left my computer on like lots of other people and went to do chores. 

I'm sure my friends think about this when they go out, they don't really bother to tell people (I know somebody was neglected tonight).  Here's the question in people's mind when thinking about me, or other people "Does John have the time to come with us? Nah, he's probably going to take care of his little brother."  Or place a different friend's name "Nah he's probably got to tutor some kid or something."  Or "It's too late to ask him, John always needs to be told early so he can tell his parents and they won't be mad at him.  We don't want to cause him pain, so we won't invite him."  Or the ultimate killer "Nah, he's probably not interested."  *place a few curse words here*.  Those are the first thoughts in people's minds when they think about invitations.  Sad that you put yourself down BEFORE you even try.  Yes trying takes effort, it takes a lot more effort than physically carrying barrels of rice.  The effort to ask, act, and receive response is sometimes harder to do because the fear of a discouraging "No" can be earth shattering *gasp* =@

Well on to my home now, supposedly it is an arcade and theatre, and in the past few gatherings I'm sure people have felt guilty that they were leeching off my family and I.  So they always say "Well repay you back somehow."  The only payback I wish for is your company, thoughtfulness that I even exist besides the times when you see me in person, and hopeufully some openness.  Since it's March break I should be enjoying these "toys" to the fulllest.  Well, as you see above, materialism has been killed already.  I bet tomorrow I'm going to be so bored that I will finish half the Discrete hmwk.  I wish I got a phone call that wasn't the following: a telemarketer, a blank call, a fax machine, or somebody dialling through an internet terminal!  The last call I got was last year in November =_=  The last call I made and got a reply from that person was today after 3 tries. 

I'm lonely, very lonely, I need somebody that understands, and perhaps has an interest in me, or wants to and is willing to take the risk to try. 

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