Friday, August 22, 2003

Blah, John is going to be philosophical and contemplative.

I can't start from where I left off last entry, but I'd much rather just throw everything out as I think. I want to do it this way because it will show you how unorganised my mind is.

Right now, I'm in trouble for staying up on the computer too long and too late. That's because the computer is in Dad's room and so while I'm chatting with Serge, BJ, and Maria Dad was disturbed by all the typing and light. The computer in my room will probably not be built for quite some time because of this show of overuse. I have shown to my parents my irresponsible behaviourof being on the internet. How will I amend it? I will just simply cut off for a while, that's all. Agh, I stayed up 2 nights in a row chatting with BJ, Serge and Maria.

So I spent more time doing that, now what? I'm hosting tonight's movie night (Cowboy Bebop the movie). Also I have to call up everyone to confirm that they'll meet me on SUNDAY at 0920 at Bernard Station. Although calling calling Stephanie just about the times for everyone to meet there has her parents/siblings bothering, and gossiping amongst themselves thinking I'm dating her. Do I have to yell out "I'M IN LOVE WITH MARIA!" (atleast I think I am, I don't really know what I feel).

Now I'll probably get the "I don't know who you are" type of reaction from her for saying what I feel ;_; I'd love to bring you out of your cage (if I remember to bring that topic up again), and you don't have to change for me, You are perfect the way you are to me. *sigh* romance is the unhappy process of trying to find absolute acceptance. Social interactions is just the bad gossip that arises from general friendship (if they are of the opposite sex).

Before anyone thinks about saying I'm such a nice guy:
What I know is that when I told her I like her, I could try a pathos tactic to get what I want from Maria, but it would not be a relationship if I did that. Since I would be forcing her to stay with me out of pity. It is best to leave it for her to decide. However, as I have learned in Robotics, always account for the worst. So one of the blocking variables is that she is suspicious of my motives. I guess if she wants to know what I want in return, I guess I could say for her to love me back. BUT that may be asking too much, or I may be asking for what she doesn't feel. EEEE, the conflict that arises from knowing. A relationship can not be one-sided, and starting up is always the most difficult threshold to pass since nobody can put their finger on what they feel until after many hours of contemplating (which many do not have that much time to do). Also there are those that are after other things. Most men can not control themselves in their LUST for power, control and sex. They use their knowledge to lure innocent girls to stay with them (e.g. Wilson and Samantha HAHAHA). The world is corrupt to the point that every woman fears what the man's motives are for being nice. The evil live off of the innocent and gullible, while the good and genuine gentlemen suffer from distrust. I am neither of those because I am aware of the evil, and very capable of using it. However, I am good in that I expose the evil, and help you to make an informed decision. If you don't return my feelings Maria, it's absolutely all right. Not all endeavors are successful and "You get use to it. =D" or what is more appropriate for me"God has placed me through many hardships, so enduring this shouldn't be a problem. =D Don't feel bad if I feel bad, it just makes things worse. The happier you are brings content to me because I will not have left any scars to anyone. " I shall fade in and out of the lives of people as I always have with the exception of family.

More notes: As with anything in life, I do not know when to stop. That's why my saying of 11 is very important to my life. It reminds me to never push my limits, becauuse only destruction has come from it.

A few last points after reading other blogs

I notice that my family lacks the balance of caring. We don't know how to balance between caring for our family, and caring for ourselves. We are usually either 1 extreme or the other. I think I am too selfish, but my family keeps telling me that I'm the complete opposite. I'm too yielding to others. I'm confused, and dazed at the many observations I've made. There's more, but my head hurts now.

No comments: