Thursday, April 24, 2003

Well, I suppose this is my post to reply to everyone who posted on my tag-board (Thanks). Well to answer Mut-kun's question of me bringing the boards into this, I actually didn't bring my problems to the board (That would be bad), I'm just saying that my online activeness at the boards has taken a crippling blow. Also, I am refraining/blocking myself from chatting mainly because it is eating up way too much of my time, it is degrading my IRL social skills, and I don't want to involve myself anymore in online battles (Not giving examples, as that could possibly be considered flames).

I understand that me literally "dumping/ejecting" my relationship with Sakura is one of the worst ways to deal with the relationship. I left the relationship because I thought I WAS having feelings again towards my old grade school friend that I liked in November. However, I have come to the realization that anybody I like in that manner is only going to hurt me and the other involved (So I'd much rather stay single). In addition, I am not sure of what love is, therefore I don't want to be "experimenting" with women to find out what love is, as it is ethically and morally wrong in my opinion. Also, I would not want to find myself like my parents who seemed to have married on an infactuation (They are now staying together merely for the fact that they have to fund for the my post secondary education and to parent my younger brother). I rejected the relationship because it was the main cause for my deceitfulness with my family.

I acknowledge that not telling Sakura how I feel upfront was deceitful. My deceit was also mingled with me keeping my mom's mouth shut to not tell dad. When dad did find out on Good Friday, I lost my priviledges with his laptop (which is why I'm missing that set of mp3s that Clowmistress sent me a while back), but more importantly, my dad lost the only bond between my mother and him, TRUST. This went against what my sister was working her life for, to keep the family together. I destroyed that when she was already depressed about having her Internal Medicine Rotation shut off because of SARS. She is now very depressed, and had to go to the extreme of leaving the next morning to try and recover from the shell shock/conflicts/battles between family members. In addition, my sister was so shocked that I was smart enough to create a phony character that she believed(and thought was genuine) since she usually was a good judge of character. This is what I mean by destroying everything. Just about the only thing that I have accomplished is realizing that what I am productive in doing is creating robots, and doing my hmwk.

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