Lacking sleep sucks,

I'm grumpy, and a little more frustrated than I usually feel.

a) Info about OSAP for first timers I didn't know money was being wired to my account. I thought it's just being mailed like tax credits. I'm glad I came prepared though.

b) High tension with parents because that happy dandy last post was a facade, which collapsed really badly. Now they're putting up obvious acts and charades to each other so they don't get on each other's nerves with their real selves.

c) My teacher for Chinese sword is biased towards his "realistic" fighting for survival context vs the sport fencing context. I tried speaking to him about the good things that have come about by introducing some of the techniques of his training that worked in sport training. Worked so well, the fencers enjoyed it and voluntarily decided to work on it for themselves. Even though they still view fencing as a sport or as for fun, he scoffs them off as being people he can't help, and that they're warping the "true" ("spirit" was my interpretation) meaning of the techniques. I was appalled that he didn't have anything good to say about their growth. It's all because of the arrogance of "I do this to survive" vs "I do this for fun. " I don't think I'm going to use a sword in a prepared combat situation, I think my pistol and rifle training have more application than that.

d) explaining to my brother the way things are, vs the way things are ideally suppose to be. Also explaining the idea that people think differently, have different perspectives, they don't think like him, they believe in different things. I'm annoyed that his mind is so very narrow that he can't fathom or understand why a person wouldn't believe in God. Or our ability to identify with characters from let's say an anime. He criticized so much about the differences between the anime's reality of physics and astronomy compared to our reality of physics and astronomy (of which a lot of his babble on astronomy I keep reminding him is JUST THEORY, and not confirmed). IT'S A PIECE OF ART! YOU'RE GOING FOR LIBERAL ARTS AND YOU CAN'T understand that it is fiction and it has been made different from our world to add that fantasy element of "hmmm I wish I could fix my clock with just some scribbles on the ground and a clap of my hands? "

Anyways my babble is done, sleep is good!

The Doctor is like life.

1 bit of time things are all fine and dandy, the next there's chaos and destruction and hate everywhere! Also who's to say that "bit of time" has a specific regimented separation, it could be decades, years, days, weeks, minutes, even seconds with no particular value besides let's say x for any number in the real number system!

So anyways not too much to blog besides the following:

I hate York: They fail to inform you properly until you hand stuff in, wait 3 weeks for a letter saying "RE-JECTED GeeGee!"


Before Dad went on vacation from work, he was an absolute ass. Now he's just fine like he's a completely different person. That's not all, mom changed too, and it feels like they're not my parents anymore. They're actually respectable ...

New year is about to start, and guess what? Execs take off ... WTF? You take it easy NOW?! If things were nice and settled beforehand, we wouldn't be tired now when our most crucial time of "put on our happy face and grab people" is upon us.

SO! Instead I went to go shoot crap, forget about the worries of my exec positions and boy was that fun as ever!

My body is suffocating,

There's pressure within me that needs to be released.

The most appealing way I know how right now to do that is cutting or shooting or puncturing holes in my body.

The other alternative is to break the internal structures that create this pressure, or numbs the feeling.

As most people know, I'm not the suicidal type, but I'm serious about cutting or shooting myself.

Here's why too:
For some reason, pursuing dreams in this family is a problem (Self-esteem shattering).

Taking risks in unknown areas of humanity is a problem (Self-esteem shattering).

Saying "I'm planning blah" vs "I'm thinking about (same) blah" mean entirely different things (ESL communication problem). For some reason I'm the one with the communication problem even though English is my FIRST language ...

If plans aren't implemented the second one complains, nobody's going to believe you ever (isolate).

Always have to compare myself to those around me that are "succeeding. " We will always fail to someone else, there is never 1 top person because there is imperfection in every individual human being. A guaranteed losing situation.

Hearing the failures of my parents not achieving their dreams has to be restated over and over and over and over like a broken stereo system (Not my problem, but they're making it my problem).

Information, trends, and society from 15-20 years ago are suppose to be 100% accurate and valid now and today, and anything I say about a change in society is false. This is really what builds that pressure because of the stupidity that I'm putting up with in my face. I've never met anyone so ... blind before.

Who has perfect memory? Nobody ... to have perfect memory, means you won't forget anything. However, we do forget somethings, thus memory is not perfect. I have to put up with "No, you're not remembering things correctly. "

I am being coerced to walk a single narrow path, much like a church singer I know. However, I suppose the only difference right now is that I'm not accepting this path. I know my path is not to drone at figures, not to drone at spreadsheets and accounting statements. My gifts, my mission is not this fucking shit that leaves society stuck in its tracks from progressing. No, I've been fighting it for a long time. About 5 long years of fighting, 5 long years of some rest, and then a massive beating to cooperate, every time reminding me of my shackles.

I'm tired, I'm in so much pain that I know I'd feel better without a head. However, that denies why I was born. You said I was born to persevere, and I am doing just that, except it's not through a wonky physical body, or a changing education system, or a ruthless society. No, I'm persevering through your stubbornness, ignorance and failures.

I will go where I want eventually, unlike my friends that travel now backpacking, or flying on their own only to come back home. When I finally leave, I will never come back.