Monday, July 06, 2009

My body is suffocating,

There's pressure within me that needs to be released.

The most appealing way I know how right now to do that is cutting or shooting or puncturing holes in my body.

The other alternative is to break the internal structures that create this pressure, or numbs the feeling.

As most people know, I'm not the suicidal type, but I'm serious about cutting or shooting myself.

Here's why too:
For some reason, pursuing dreams in this family is a problem (Self-esteem shattering).

Taking risks in unknown areas of humanity is a problem (Self-esteem shattering).

Saying "I'm planning blah" vs "I'm thinking about (same) blah" mean entirely different things (ESL communication problem). For some reason I'm the one with the communication problem even though English is my FIRST language ...

If plans aren't implemented the second one complains, nobody's going to believe you ever (isolate).

Always have to compare myself to those around me that are "succeeding. " We will always fail to someone else, there is never 1 top person because there is imperfection in every individual human being. A guaranteed losing situation.

Hearing the failures of my parents not achieving their dreams has to be restated over and over and over and over like a broken stereo system (Not my problem, but they're making it my problem).

Information, trends, and society from 15-20 years ago are suppose to be 100% accurate and valid now and today, and anything I say about a change in society is false. This is really what builds that pressure because of the stupidity that I'm putting up with in my face. I've never met anyone so ... blind before.

Who has perfect memory? Nobody ... to have perfect memory, means you won't forget anything. However, we do forget somethings, thus memory is not perfect. I have to put up with "No, you're not remembering things correctly. "

I am being coerced to walk a single narrow path, much like a church singer I know. However, I suppose the only difference right now is that I'm not accepting this path. I know my path is not to drone at figures, not to drone at spreadsheets and accounting statements. My gifts, my mission is not this fucking shit that leaves society stuck in its tracks from progressing. No, I've been fighting it for a long time. About 5 long years of fighting, 5 long years of some rest, and then a massive beating to cooperate, every time reminding me of my shackles.

I'm tired, I'm in so much pain that I know I'd feel better without a head. However, that denies why I was born. You said I was born to persevere, and I am doing just that, except it's not through a wonky physical body, or a changing education system, or a ruthless society. No, I'm persevering through your stubbornness, ignorance and failures.

I will go where I want eventually, unlike my friends that travel now backpacking, or flying on their own only to come back home. When I finally leave, I will never come back.

1 comment:

cherry said...

Welcome to blogspot from xanga! I don't like xanga either.

In response to this post, James 1, and Job 23:10. I'm here if you need someone to listen.