It's been 2 weeks since I came back, and everything still feels foreign to me all of a sudden. Well not everything, but I feel like I'm a different person from before I "ran away" from home. Physically the home has improved when I got back. Things are getting cleaned, and tripping over a wrench is now not the first thing to happen when I get home.

Spiritually/mentally/emotionally/personality I'm not sure which "blah-wise" it is, but it feels those around me are much farther, much meaner, more selfish, and definitely less appreciative than before. Did I offend everyone when I left to find work out of province?

I'll call this my selfishness because it is me ranting about others.

My so called "College comradiere" that I valued so much last year doesn't seem to be there anymore.

I work so hard to communicate with people, and it literally takes me 5 phone calls, 5 e-mails, and 5 texts to get 1 response from people, and they still complain that I don't talk to them? Check your messages, check your mail (and read it properly), check your phone that you don't pick up. I understand if you don't check while at work because you're not suppose to. At least have the decency though to call back, or text back, or RSVP to an e-mail that requests it.

That's not just 1 person by the way, it's just about 2/3 of my so called "Platoon. " They suddenly seemed to have lost their discipline with replying to messages when I left. Maybe it's summer, maybe it's work during summer. I'm not sure, but I'm getting tired of having to book an event, then cancel it twice in a row so far. This upcoming one will be my last attempt, and if it fails I'm just going to go postal on them the next time I see them all.

Problems that are occuring: People continuously keep ditching me. I work hard to gather a our group of 16, I only managed 8 as of yesterday. Today on the weekend of our small training session, 3 ditch me for
a) a surprise decision to go on a trip to niagara.
b) they want a ride from their place 2 and a half hours away, and in the opposite direction from their home, all the way to the event, and back. I'm sorry I won't drive 9 hours just for you and I won't hold the rest of the world up for you too.
c) Suddenly deciding to accelerate your move out this weekend (reasonable one, but it's on the list because it was an on the fly decision without him considering what he was already doing this weekend).

There was 1 good sacrifice, but I am genuinely sorry that it was in vain: 1 of the guys was going to skip a day of work to go with us. I am truly sorry for cancelling, and I really do appreciate his efforts for trying hard to be with us.

As for the others, I guess it's easy to be wishy-washy when the guy that takes it is as squishy and bounces right back when it comes to taking rejections and ditches.

I don't even get as much as a sorry for ditching...

The other problem would be communication: E-mails,texts, phone calls. They can all be ignored. Even conversation is difficult because all you have to do is change the subject, or the most annoying, is to not give a clear answer so the decision would be on the fence, and people have that option to ditch. Luckily for those people it's only been happening online. If it were in person I'd straight up suckerpunch them in anger now.

How hard is it to make a schedule, and commit to it? How hard is it to maneuver new things you add to the schedule around your previously booked events? How hard is it to give a heads up that you are ditching, or can't gather with us? Perhaps it is difficult for many. Most likely it has to do what one values the most. These are reasonable reasons.

I just wish people were more considerate of how much hard work goes into the organization of these events, and the time and commitment people put into getting together, and moving their schedules/lives around so we can get together. Ditching is not just a slap in the face for me, but for everyone of us that are in on this.


That would be part 1
I guess I have changed quite a bit over the past 6 weeks. My hope and expectation that people are considerate of each other is back. I'm not as pessimistic about the reliability of people. Maybe I should be? Well I'm definitely angry about it. Yes I care about how others act when I shouldn't, I shouldn't let it bug me, unfortunately their actions affect me, so it bugs me.

I can afford to be patient. My sister mentioned that I'm definitely not "Torontonian" because I'm patient around bad drivers in the city, and my driving is very passive. I'm not slow, but if we're all jammed up because of 3 cars blocking the road by driving the speed limit. I'll just tag behind until I get off the road and take an alternative route. I won't get angry in my car, or yell complaints, etc. Also I don't mind taking a passive route that uses minimal lane changes, and minimal turns.

It's lazier, it might be slower, but if we don't pack our day to the max with things to do, and give ourselves more than enough time to travel between places. You can afford to do that. You can afford to not be stressed because you're going to be tardy. Instead you can be at ease that you'll still be on time, maybe still be early and just relax in the car.

Yet from my rant at the beginning, I am a city slicker. I need a response from people. It needs to be instant, or atleast a solid response, and as early as possible. That OCD for order, and solid information I would say makes me stressed and angry like the city person.

So the last time I posted was last year just about.

Only reason why I'm here is so I don't fuck up and offend somebody again.

I was selfish, unempathetic, hypocritical, and unreasonable. i'm sorry, for what i said and i hope you can forgive me.

now that was about an hour before my fight with dad and the apology is directed to a friend i hurt the night before.

now my hand hurts from my dad antagonizing me to the point that we had a physical fight.

i'm human, i'll try my best to fix my mistakes, but i can't guarantee i won't mess up again.

i'm sorry too for all the mistakes i made and will make, and i only wish that my apologies can be accepted and that we can work together to fix them.

unfortunately bearing the burdens of another is too difficult for many, so right now, i am by myself with this.

It's the new year, and a new start? Not really if you left things behind in the previous year.

Anyways I just overheard my sister screaming like a female Chef Ramsay at my brother for his "sloppy work" in doing a job that she hired him to do.

I feel it's unreasonable though considering all she asked him to do was "check the mail everyday, put it all together in a pile, and scan things for me. "

So that's what he did, he checked the mail, even when we knew there was no mail. He put it in a pile, it's messy and out of date order, and with junk mail, but it's a pile. He scanned things, when he was asked to because how are we to know what's what? He did what he was told.

Sister comes back after 4 months and blows a gasket because they're not categorized, because they're not ordered, because my brother skipped December, because he whined about getting paid because he hasn't been paid for 4 straight months (since wiring money is too expensive), because it didn't make her life easier.

My parents already told her to calm down and to also retract her rants a bit because she didn't stipulate properly what was required. She was general on her procedure, and she got a general output.

She's been home for 2 weeks, and hasn't paid my brother at all and keeps yelling that she'll pay him when she has time and is not busy. Now she's leaving in a day and a night, and so I can understand my brother is feeling anxious about getting paid because if she leaves without paying him, that's not owing up properly.

Anyways just a story to note the simple things that aggrevate us.