My body is suffocating,

There's pressure within me that needs to be released.

The most appealing way I know how right now to do that is cutting or shooting or puncturing holes in my body.

The other alternative is to break the internal structures that create this pressure, or numbs the feeling.

As most people know, I'm not the suicidal type, but I'm serious about cutting or shooting myself.

Here's why too:
For some reason, pursuing dreams in this family is a problem (Self-esteem shattering).

Taking risks in unknown areas of humanity is a problem (Self-esteem shattering).

Saying "I'm planning blah" vs "I'm thinking about (same) blah" mean entirely different things (ESL communication problem). For some reason I'm the one with the communication problem even though English is my FIRST language ...

If plans aren't implemented the second one complains, nobody's going to believe you ever (isolate).

Always have to compare myself to those around me that are "succeeding. " We will always fail to someone else, there is never 1 top person because there is imperfection in every individual human being. A guaranteed losing situation.

Hearing the failures of my parents not achieving their dreams has to be restated over and over and over and over like a broken stereo system (Not my problem, but they're making it my problem).

Information, trends, and society from 15-20 years ago are suppose to be 100% accurate and valid now and today, and anything I say about a change in society is false. This is really what builds that pressure because of the stupidity that I'm putting up with in my face. I've never met anyone so ... blind before.

Who has perfect memory? Nobody ... to have perfect memory, means you won't forget anything. However, we do forget somethings, thus memory is not perfect. I have to put up with "No, you're not remembering things correctly. "

I am being coerced to walk a single narrow path, much like a church singer I know. However, I suppose the only difference right now is that I'm not accepting this path. I know my path is not to drone at figures, not to drone at spreadsheets and accounting statements. My gifts, my mission is not this fucking shit that leaves society stuck in its tracks from progressing. No, I've been fighting it for a long time. About 5 long years of fighting, 5 long years of some rest, and then a massive beating to cooperate, every time reminding me of my shackles.

I'm tired, I'm in so much pain that I know I'd feel better without a head. However, that denies why I was born. You said I was born to persevere, and I am doing just that, except it's not through a wonky physical body, or a changing education system, or a ruthless society. No, I'm persevering through your stubbornness, ignorance and failures.

I will go where I want eventually, unlike my friends that travel now backpacking, or flying on their own only to come back home. When I finally leave, I will never come back.

Forgive the swearing in this entry, but who wouldn't be frustrated to the point of doing so?

I'm fucking 1 credit off from graduating ...

For UofT students, that's 1/6 of a full year 1 credit course.

This has stalled my previous application for that 42 week accounting training.

Which means stalled my process to get a job (if it's not guaranteed, then that's another year of my life gone).

Now I know what it feels like when "shit hits the fan."

I wasted 600$ on a course that didn't count because 3rd time course retakes don't count for shit. In other words my final year at York, literally cons me of my piece of paper called a degree, AND 600$ of money I paid out and didn't get the product out of it.

Going to spend the next week arguing about letting me get off the forsaken lands that are York University.

I'll still go in the direction to York but sort of like a barbarian in Diablo 2 that ventures into Baal's throne room in Act 5. Fighting and killing (not literally) with my swordfighting/fencing and archery and grinding my abilities to higher more outstanding levels.

That last paragraph actually calmed me down.

If "A break at last" is a bit too long for you (4 pages single spaced), here's a shorter bad rant.

So today was a kind of recovery from Sunday. How do I recover from being mentally and emotionally beaten so much in 1 time?

I do 2 things, I either teach others skills that people want to learn, or fix equipment. Since I'm not armoury officer anymore, I'm not exactly authorized to go on a fixing spree. Also it's kind of unhealthy to mole myself in the armoury when I have friends that want to help me out of this rut. They also tried using the technique that I knew helped prop me up. That is to teach them something I know, and they want to know (eventually). So I gave them a lesson, and it was an improvement up from the totally down state, but I had accidentally hurt one of them because they were getting a defense, and then loosened up too early and let me in. Which caused the face whack. Not good to injure students, but 1/2 well taught students helped a bit.

Fencing practice solved the other bit, as 1 of the newbies picked up targeting so quickly, she was better than the regulars! The other was learning, although not so skilled, and I encouraged them to practice in transit (bus surfing).

I felt good knowing that there is talent, and that there is hope for someone's dream team, and vision to progress closer.

So a good hop, skip, and jump all the way home. Until I get on the computer...

In the past 4 hours, 1 person was irresponsible enough to not work on something they were suppose to finish earlier. Another backed out of the executive meeting, the 3rd got kidnapped by her sisters to the USA, and the irresponsible worker somehow put a typo in a copypasta...

Anyways, one of the things to piss me off is that after we've worked so hard to get our times booked, our shit together, all of a sudden, my colleagues don't take this seriously anymore. They were going to waste a practice to be selfish. It ended up that the whole bloody practice got cancelled because you know you can count on the people returning when you bail out. If it were the regular membership I know you'd have come. So we're premature in starting people up. We have enough equipment.

Unless the space gets wider, we're not going to need more bows. We got more than enough ammunition for each person to fire half a dozen arrows all at once. We make our finger tabs. The only thing we don't have are the targets. and the extension nets, and the secondarly backstops. However, these are all frills for next year. We can keep our membership going this year still through the summer. So you got to spend money to to school commuting, SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That's not an excuse. Car, bus, train, it all costs money. We all dole out to move our arses places. You worked 3 years for getting this started, and now you're just going to come in "oh sometimes, maaaybe, not sure if I can today" You're worse than your membership. They got the commitment to show up on time, as scheduled, EVEN help out and socialize. It is the club you always wanted, a tight nit community. Or one that has promise to be that, but people are still getting to know each other, people are still only meeting on the basis of well ... archery. To feed more socializing, you have to bring them together more.

And you can't do that while you sit on your comfy butt in that comfy home, and whine with pessimissim. You fit the stereotype all too well of being a rich, and whiny suburbian. Being pessimistic is fine, but not doing a damn thing about it isn't.