Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Just another repeating bad day.

It's like watching reruns on TV, except there's no channel switch, and there's no off button.

I just finished going through my posts, and if you look at Sept 22, basically it was almost an exact rerun of that day.

-late for class (didn't miss it this time),
-usual classes
-go home, eat, wonder why all the lights are on, and the fans running. It's wasting a lot of energy ...
-get a ride from dad (big mistake), and he rages about me upgrading to windows 7
Well it was 40$ instead of the 120$
-get treated like a baby on paper, as he writes with rage on notes and notes of paper.

Why do I always get ratted out for my spendings, and I don't rat anyone else out for theirs? Because it's trivial, and we all know there are consequences later. Opportunity costs, we buy something now, we wait longer for other things. How hard of a concept is that? How come that doesn't sink into his head that I don't mind waiting for things. He wants to push an LCD monitor ($200) on me for some reason ... I don't want it. I keep saying I don't want it...

Is it not surprising I find myself frustrated about being raged on about spending small amounts over periods of time, and he wants to burst it on big items?

Now my frustration accidentally manifested itself into a murderous intent. We had our argument in the car, and right when I was getting off to go to fencing. I had to spend at least half an hour meditating and breathing to calm myself down from taking it out on students that I'm coaching. Let 1 slip up and yelled at the regulars for being slower than the beginners getting their armor on (and today was the first day for beginners to put the full suit on).

Luckily though, teaching has been one of those relievers of emotional stress. I calmed down by the end of practice, and was back to most of my usual self. I let my students pound at an obnoxious nose to the sky charade of me, and it felt good that they were able to focus themselves to defeat that charade, and with the things I was teaching them today.

Archery, I was totally off my game, because my focus had not yet come back, and didn't until the last volley. I just didn't want to go home. I was contemplating asking a res friend if I could stay at their place, but I have come home still to find that complaint paper.

Home is not a place of retreat for me, it's a place of war and battle. I am more at ease, marching through the city, carrying my education, carrying my hobbies, and carrying myself through society. I always think about the idea of camping out in the city. Why? Probably because it's the real cheapest way to live and it is the most mobile for one who doesn't own a car.

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