Yah, it's late at night that I'm starting this, because I tried to finish a section in my calc textbook, but I didn't understand most of it. I don't understand why HK makes concepts as simple as domain and range, and inverse function complicated. There's no need to throw set theory into it, and it doesn't save on paper, and it just confuses people about set theory as well.

This isn't the main reason for my rant, and I don't usually have this much to talk about or blabber out here during the week. It's about me getting my report card and watching my grade in Discrete drop 7-10% (I don't remember my mark going into the exam except that it was around 77-80%). Yes I bombed the Discrete exam, and I felt really bad about it when I left the exam room. I already said I think I failed it and people replied with "It's okay, you tried your best, that's all that counts. Besides it's over, relax." Even my parents said that after the exam, and I told them I think I didn't do well. So I did cheer up, I did move away from those thoughts. When I got my report card, I was first surprised it dropped so much, but I wasn't surprised that I did badly on the exam (47%). My old time friend came by, and we had fun discussing games, and playing on the PS1 like we did when we were younger, and when PS1 was the best console present. I told my parents honestly during dinner that my marked dropped so much, and they first didn't say anything because my friend was with us during dinner. After he left, I don't remember how it started, but right afterwards I was yelled at for my laziness, I take for granted that I'm not pressured (hey I'm being yelled at here for a drop in grades, isn't this pressure to do better by insulting me), that my friends work harder for so much smaller and are much higher in grades than me(does that mean I should cut contact with all my friends that do better than me?), that I shouldn't need to study because my dad didn't need to study and can get 100%, so I should have been able to do that too.

I'm sorry I can't get 100% without studying. The best I can do is a 97% on a test that was meant to see our presentation of mathematical proofs. I'm sorry I'm not hard-working and cynical like my sister when it comes to academics. My mind wanders, or it tires easily. I can't be truly cynical because it's not my character to be like that. I'm sorry I don't seek help because I really do know the concepts and I can do it if I'm not under pressure. I'm sorry I believed everyone when they comforted me with "don't worry about it," because that was a lie, and I should have hurt myself for knowing I did badly. I'm sorry that my best isn't good enough for anyone, it's mediocre, and I guess that's all I can be.

Perhaps I should have taken advantage of that special considerations and asked for a time extension. Perhaps I should have not done any extra-curriculars, as it wouldn't matter to anyone. I'm easily replaceable, and they don't have to worry about the special bad things about me (Lupus). Perhaps I should not have made new friends this year so I could maintain focus. Perhaps ...

"Perhaps I should " is too late, and it has happened. I've been insulted to the point of being ashamed that I'm always in the presence of absolute intelligence, but I am not able to achieve what they can. I can't express any of this because I haven't the proof, or I'm denied that it is truth, or I'm told "don't think about others, think about yourself!" (This is useful, if I'm not constantly compared to others by people around me).

Here's what I hate about being middle of everything. My best is mediocre, it's not good enough for anyone. Bad things happen, and I feel bad. I know it's going to get worse when I tell I did bad, or when family sees I did bad. So I can't escape it. When I've done wrong, and it is known, it hurts to know that I made a mistake, again. It hurts more to know that people like to jump on it and crush me more (some people in school that I hate fervently, and my immediate family). When I'm down, and tell myself I know I did wrong, I'm told to cheer up, only to be hurt again when results come back, and I didn't deliver. When I tell the truth, I'm not noted for honesty and promptness. I'm noted for the mistake I made and the punishment that is deserviing of the crime. I know my family is trying to help me, but it's not helpful to insult me, and to compare me to everyone else. This isn't deserving of a memory because it's bad stuff, I get this very often, so you'll probably see something similar later in my life or in the year.

ARGH! I got bad timing again. Well just a description of the context of my subject first: When I play first person shooters, I always come out when an enemy is about to run out of ammo. ABOUT to run out, they're not actually out of ammo at the time I come out of cover, so I get shot and die. Same with online games where I'm about to enter a corridor, and I enter in the strafing motion, I still die, the enemy is on opposite wall I'm entering so I'd have to turn and shoot them which takes longer than the guy to click his mouse and kill me again. That's why I don't like First-person perspective shooters.

Anyways on to the main rant. I have very bad luck and super-duper bad timing. It's the reason why I'm discouraged now to hold gatherings. Nobody's available when I organise, unless I hold one every week consistently so I can hit the right spot. But really, I don't have time to do that as it takes me a lot of effort to first tell my parents, and the plans of what we'll do, then to clean the house from its usual brotherly bombed state (ARGH he is too messy, and the house isn't always as clean as people see it), and I assume that no answer means people don't even know that I've set a gathering up (which is often the case!).

*sigh* I'm not mad at anyone, so I'd like the people I invited not to say sorry. It's not their fault, it's my fault for even initiating such an event. I'm just mad at my bad timing again. It happens. It's kind of sad for me though as I'm staring to not remember the voices of my friends anymore. I still kind of remember them, but they're faint, soft and quiet.

Setting out to do something is always the most stressful of all times

Well, the past week has been relaxing, went out and enjoyed myself a few times here and there.  The usual conflicts and yellings.  Not sure why, but Canada Day was really tense.  The night before dad was stressed because we had to send off sis' documents to her.  We Xpressposted it, even though I told my dad to use Priority courier -_- I know it's not going to be on time.  Then Loblaws gave us crap by not letting my dad in (Hey it's 8:30PM, we can get a bag of of milk in less than that time).  Well Dad was really pissed off about that, and then he sort of didn't calm down the rest of the night.  Mom and dad had an argument late night, and its intensity was maintained today. 

Achieving something is hard only when there is no initiation to start up.

The day itself was spent packing, and cleaning, and learning to cook yaay =D The night itself was okay, went ot see spidey 2 and then expel all the fireworks in my backpack.  They were cheap, they weren't very fancy, but hey it's my first time handling explosives.  Simple is good for beginners.  J asked to see my phone, I didn't know he was looking for A's phone number and copying it.  Rude to be scanning my phone book like that.  Well he got her number, and well I knew I was going to be on one of A's lists because of my carelessness.  Played some games at C's house, and then got a ride back home.  When A got online, I told her the truth, even though it was a bad time, I'd much rather tell her ASAP then for her to find out and THEN kill me.  Well, I certainly got a yelling, A was already in a bad mood about earlier matters and telling her this made it worse.  I changed the subject a bit, then asked a question that was relating to school because I forget lots of things, and that's why I ask again.  Anger came about because A thought I was going to use what I asked to make fun, and belittle them.  I wasn't, I was just curious and wanted to know.  I have no motive or anything, now I know what M means by I'm paranoid or analyze and think too much into things.  I talked back saying things that M had told me, and I thought about deeply about what I should do about weaknesses in my character.  Told A that, and got a sorry, but then the character of mine's was split by what I have learned, and what I am accustomed to.  Paranoia vs acceptance.  I chose acceptance in the end though because I want to give ourselves hope of continued friendship, and myself hope for improvement. 

As distant as one is from their origins, one is always drawn back to their roots to find identity

I'm going back to HK for a few weeks to see my relatives (all of them).  I'll probably spend quite a bit of the time playing with my cousins, or be a good cousin for them to look up to.  I hope we can visit our village again, and I'm curious as to what my heirloom was/is and our family history and tree that is somewhere in the village.  Past stories I don't often hear, as we're too caught up often arguing about each other's past mistakes and faults.  Well I won't be around online for a month on MSN, ICQ or Yahoo IM.  I'll check my mailboxes, and maybe update here if I have the time (don't expect very often though).

Until next month then, wish me a happy and safe vacation, and I hope you well in the future too.