The place Feminism doesn't care to defend.

I didn't even realize how fast 2 and a half years goes by now.  As I get older, time flies faster, but I also see myself move slower.  

I'm back here, mainly because I don't feel comfortable expressing something racking at my mind constantly.  It's related to feminism, but I do not wish to garner the emotional pain and hate of the topic that so frequently comes with it.  

The auto industry is 99% Men.  It's an age old industry that doesn't like change, and most certainly doesn't like to change its ideas about women.  The impression being that they are not suited for the dirty hazardous environment that is the plant.  So they get relegated to the office be it higher or lower up the chain of command usually higher until they reach the hobbit sized ceiling of TRUE engineers (ones with P.Eng and B.Eng).  I don't count as one because I have neither of those deisgnations.

So in a sense this is a good thing because they get environmentally better positions than men.  

However, it's also a bad thing because now you segregate an entire class of people based on discrimination and stereotype.  It brings a boys only society, which in turn reinforces gender disparity.

Now this boys only society has only 2 "classes" that separate them.  The single, or The married.  The single are open about their objectification and misogynism with women. There is no consequence to viewing women this way because there are none to be offended.  They'll pop on tinder, try to have sex with as many as they can at the same time, and get away with it because they'll get dumped, but there was no emotional attachment to begin with.  

Then there are the married.  Who will go as far as checking out women, and talking about their bodies.  A visual only objectification, but they will also partake in the jokes and impressions from the singles class.  Enabling them more than anything.  

My mind is confused because the media is literally blasting the topic of equality for women. To not sexually harass women visually.  To not objectify them and treat them as human beings. So why is it so strong here and nobody literally cares about this problem?

I think I know why and I'll bring it up here:

We'll go with perhaps the biggest topic in feminism at the moment.  The gender disparity in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Medicine (STEM).  This is a problem.  It's well stated, and it's well documented about the harassment and discrimination of women in the following:  

CEOs, Business people, Labs, Research, Programmers, Engineers, Doctors, lawyers, etc. 

However, what about the following?

Garbage collectors, Tech Manufacturing line workers, Burger flippers, Sewer cleaners, Strip miners, Construction workers, etc.

This spot known as the lower class hasn't changed, and it would appear that people don't want it to change.  However, if you think about it, the lower class feeds into the upper classes.  The son of a Construction worker, will have enough money to go to college, get a better job than his dad, but be raised on the patriarchal norms of the lower class.  Thus bleeding it upward into society depending on how far the kid goes.  Which brings back the same old issue of patriarchal societal norm we've been fighting for a century now.  

It can work for the daughter of a construction worker too.  The daughter will be raised to stay away from the dirty, heavy, and terrible work that is the lower class, and seek out the better work, but she will run into the same issue that has brought up the feminist movement to begin with.  She will run into a guy that was raised from the same poor class, but she will be stopped short.  This is because the boy believes in the same separation of genders based on his preconceived notion of her lesser physical strength credentials, and the preconceived notion that women use sexual beauty as a way of bypassing normal evaluation (brought upon from objectification). 

So ... Guess what?  I'M BACK WHERE I FREAKING STARTED!  

If you look closely, ALL of the above is merely an analysis of a problem being stated.  

THERE IS NO SUGGESTION FOR SOLUTION!

Well there kind of is, but it's one that NOBODY wants to do.  It means putting men and women in equal basis in ALL sectors of BAD AND GOOD.  Well that's not going to happen because both men and women don't want the bad.  However, men will do the dirty because there is a culturally taught sense of male dominance in doing something that nobody else will.  Women don't have that type of appreciation from society.  

Now that's the work environment, what about the social environment?

Warning:  This is just for myself to kind of vent, rant, and lay out the problem I'm having.  You many disregard below because part of this is due to my inability to be social in the first place.  

Since I find myself stuck in the boys club setting. I'm suppose to assimilate into them.  However, I can't, and it's because I know in my head, that it merely perpetuates this problem humanity that I am so desperately trying to solve by eliminating the lower class (with robots).  

Let's start with me:  

I'm far from the most handsome, mildly overweight.  I'm not witty (more sarcastic), and I'm very far from humourous.  I'm shy, and my scope of hobbies and interests is very narrow and I am not really adventurous in stepping into new topics.  

Let's start with the right things to do:

Do not objectify a woman.

Do not harass a woman.

When a woman says no, they mean no.

So under those conditions the following are basically out the question in a man's "woo-ing" arsenal:

1)The main icebreaker:

Don't talk about her looks, even if she is pretty. So you have to find something else to talk about.  The weather, the drink, her car (stalker alert), find something that comes up that isn't under the topic of physical looks and fashion to someone you totally don't know, and somehow not set-off the creeper/stalker alert.  

2) Ask if you can sit next to her to talk:

Sitting next to her may not get you the creeper alert, but asking to talk just about always does.  Great, harassment warning.

3) She just said no.  

So where do you go?  Basically away and if you try to come back, you're breaking the no means no rule, which then translate to harassment.  

It's understandable to have those defenses to keep more malicious men out.  Now let's take this into account with me.  

Not the perfect physique = discomfort of being near an attractive woman.

No wit or humour = no method to keep a woman's attention, nor even acquire it.

COMPLETELY NOT NORMAL scope of interests = no commonalities to jump on to for conversation.

Here in lies the problem with me.  

I love my quirky hobbies:

Fencing

Archery

Circuit Racing

Guns

Computers/Electronics (pretty much anything electronic).

A pretty narrow band of music selections.

ZERO of those are common.

So what am I suppose to do?  Assimilate so that I can score?  

HELLO OBJECTIFICATION HERE!

Should I change?  Why should I change?  What improvement do I get from it for myself, and not for the end goals of acquisition with society.  

Capitalizing on the disorganized

So I was checking the mail last week, and I get my usual health magazine from the insurance company. The front cover is plastered with the following quote "Easy recipes to keep your kids healthy on a busy schedule!"

It initially sounds like a good thing. Fast, easy, achieves a goal. 

However, look at a few other detrimental messages it promotes. It promotes the "I want it fast, and I want it NOW!" mentality so common here in America.

It promotes a laziness by doing the easy method vs taking quality time to make something good and worthwhile.

Being too busy for your kids is a sign of bad time management. Additionally, why would any parent ever think of such an idea as being too busy for your kid?

This is just 1 example of what I have been observing throughout many articles of a recovering America.

I am also in a front row seat for this because I live in Michigan an hour away from bankrupt Detroit!

So the country grows ever more debts, and even continually lends itself more money to maintain macro-economic flow.  A lot of youtubers I see who complain about the constant spending do not seem to realize the fact that they can still rant and youtube because there is money flowing to keep their service running and food on their table at a reasonable price.

Anyways, I have let this rant go on for too long. Next time there will be something good to look forward to.

Future articles I am working on.

August has the following lined up for me:  I am finalizing a 6-month project, preparing a major move for my sister, moving out myself to a new place, AND cleaning up the family estate.   All in the span of 1 month.

I do have articles stored here that are waiting to be finished.  Here is a list of articles inbound, but they will be coming out slowly

Google Science Fair and how sad it will be to see very little or no impact from these people down the road.

Custom manufacturing via CNC and 3-D printing.What you REALLY should do to change the World Economic System with these technologies.

The headaches of providing feedback to budding writers

Sports, drugs, and the media

So, it's the first day of the Tour De France, and the kicker focus has been anti-doping.

I understand that the problem exists as a form of cheating. It is kind of a method that we associate with hacking and cheating in the video game community. However, just like hacking, doping can be "erased" to hide the act, and the evidence of the crime can be lost forever.


So based on that concept, I will present my opinion on Lance Armstrong's alleged doping.

My first point I would like to make is that they are re-analyzing samples from several years ago.  Unless, the samples are cryogenically frozen at absolute zero, the samples themselves can not last more than a year (even in -80C).  We don't even keep bug samples that long.  So how can anyone validate a test that is using a sample from that long ago? 

So let's take another avenue. He has drugs now. Is it legitimate? I believe it is if he is participating in a non-competitive context. Marathon rides for Cancer, and the like. It's not beneficial to him, but it helps a cause, and people are here for fun, more than a prize.  Obviously in a competitive context now, it would disqualify him.  However, the consequence of his doping should not be more severe than Contador doing the same thing who only lost 1 title, and not everything.

There is another point to this doping as well. He had cancer, and survived it. I believe one of his treatments involves chemo therapy. This includes a multitude of drugs that does include immuno suppression. This itself indicates steroidal treatment which leads to a positive dope test. Obviously though the intent of it is not to improve your muscles, but to control your immune system.  Sadly the media conveniently leaves these important points of information out. 

So I ask why Lance would admit it, and why he would give everything away on such a bad case?

Well, let's entertain a few speculations starting with the benefit of "the doubt. "

He is admitting it to avoid the media, court, and systematic hassles of denying it.  If we remember when this fiasco opened up, there was a huge debate about the validity of the results.  He even at first said he didn't do any drugs, and the debate and controversy just kept going.  Then on some whim of a day, he just went up and said "I did it. "  Then after that, the controversy and the reporting just stopped and died away with his titles.

I speculate that his main reason to admission is to me it looks like he said it just to shut people up to stop bugging him and to continue on with his life through his Charity instead.

I think this is the case because his more significant contribution to society is the Live Strong Charity that generates money for Cancer (and possibly him), and that has been a bigger part of his career lately, than the Tour De France.  So a route to not hinder the Charity's reputation is to end the controversy before it spills over.  He's still a man to conquer Cancer, and he competed at an international level to boot, drugs or not, fighting cancer and competing is still a tall order to fill.

Now let's go with the other,

He did do drugs, and is admitting to a mistake that he made.  So why is there any controversy?  Well if people are careful to read, they'll know that the controversy is in the Tour De France's bad reputation for improper inspection.  What the focus should have been on is that the race itself does not take doping seriously, and therefore just like bad GMs that don't ban hackers, dopers will become rampant in the competition.  Lance just happens to be THE BEST of the dopers to make it there.  However, in this case, he is simply following "the rules" by evening the playing field with the other dopers.  So he's more following the status quo, rather than being anything special.  Yet the media does not focus properly on where the systematic problems are.  To continue, Contador loses his title for 2010 because of a refresher on those old samples.  Gee, so how reliable are their sampling and testing techniques? Are we talking huge margins of error here?  It sure sounds like it considering they missed several checks on Lance, and obviously a few on Contador.

In this case, the problem of doping in cycling will continue, and the problem itself will not be solved, if anything it generates more media attention when the system fails.

Probably the most important point to this though is that it appears that humanity these days can not have the image of a true and pure hero or person anymore these days.  We must find some fault, some scandal, some glaring mistake that makes them a scumbag.

Why do we need to do this?  Does it actually help society?  In true honesty, I think it does the opposite, it puts society down, it destroys their hope, it destroys their positive thinking of being better than they are.  It destroys their dreams of being able to do something for humanity.

That's really what some of these people are.  They're better than they once were.  Lance is alive, from Cancer like many other patients, but he's also a major contributor to society in its success and research.  Before that he's just some arrogant athlete wanting to go faster than the guy next to him.  We wouldn't think 2 seconds of him if he was just another athlete to win the Tour De France.  Like the 75 some odd others before him, only the community of cycling would see him in high regard.  However, he did more than that, well that made him more than just an athlete.  He's a symbol of survival to many, and of hope to many (including myself).  This scandal and rebuke of his titles itself doesn't affect me, nor my brother, but it will affect others for sure, and it will affect the future in a bad way.

I will point out another example that is more famous, and more familiar to people:

Bill Clinton:
He had a mistress, and he lied on camera about it.  Honestly people, if your husband or wife had a mistress/affair, would you admit to it on national TV while you're still married?!  If you say yes, then I give you props for being true and honest, but I know most people are likely to think about the repurcussions of full admittance vs the chance of getting away with a "white lie."

This mistress though didn't affect his career as the President of the United States.  He was a good president too, pulling the country out of a recession, and into a beautiful market boom (that crashed later).  He instituted good relations with other countries, and we started to see the USA as something besides a dumbass (which got reversed later).  Literally during his time, the focus was what he was doing, where he was going, and what contributions he was making around the world, and to his people.  Up until he had an affair, then it all went to shit about not what his political tribulations are, but what he is doing in bed.

It's really completely unrelated, and the effect of what he does at home isn't seeping into what he is doing at work.  I think most people in society are capable of separating their home life, from their work life.  In the case of the President of the United States, I  would say he did that pretty well, but it just made a fiasco when his home life wasn't the Classic 50s American Dream commercial.

So I say to the people of this world, keep your role models, look up to them, despite their flaws and their weaknesses, look at what makes them brilliant and special.  Take that with you, and move onward towards your dreams and goals.

Building in the face of adversity.

I run far away
I distract myself with others.

Yet you still come back to me.
Yet you still remind me.

Who are you?
What are you?

You have different names.
A passion.
A calling.


You are a true purpose to a being.  Compiled from the many factors of family upbringing, intellectual preferences, and the experiences of both your successes and failures of the related and unrelated.

So now that my bad antics at poetry are done, let's get back to what this post is actually for.

As many know, I am mechanically inclined, and I've always had tons of ideas and dreams to build the many wonders of our imagination.  However, I have not built anything.  For the reason that the many wonders of our imagination are tainted by the fears of society, and the fears of our "ignorance."

Let's take a very common and now recurring archetype.

The Artificial Intelligence:  In the forms of several different types of media, we look and portray this idea as something to fear.  Why is it something we fear?  We are creating something capable of adapting to its environment in a way similar to ourselves.  In that sense, it is being equally human as human as we are.  If we create something of self-awareness, it is creating something that questions his origins.  However, he does not need to question his origins because we are his origins.  So the next logical thought is does the self-awareness recognize us as God, or as a lesser being?  From the stand point of us and God, we are recognizing the higher being as God, not as a lesser being.

In the context of an AI, we believe that they will recognize us as a lesser being because of their abilities to have systems stronger than bone, and faster than a neuron.  What about creativity though?  Creativity is what makes humanity unstable able to even think and create these beings.  Tell an AI to be creative, they will probably tell you they can not (Data from Star Trek: TNG comes to mind).  Thus, that is something we have that an AI could never have.  Why would an AI discard this?  Logically it does not make sense to destroy what is irreplaceable.  It makes sense to back it up and preserve it.  Additionally, it is a source for further permutations of potential and development from these seemingly intangible and random thoughts.  Additionally, AI are like plants, they reproduce asexually (atleast to start), so any flaws or errors that we left in them, could potentially wipe them out.  In the interest of preserving both species, it is better to be symbiotic.

But who wants a story of peace, harmony, and hope in humanity these days?  I remember back in high school, a lot of people really hated the movie "October sky.  "  I still don't understand why because the movie itself depicts something many movies, fantasies, and television series miss these days.  That is no matter how smart (or dumb in this case), how much of a genius you are, you still got to work hard for the dreams and goals you have.  Success will never fall in your lap, it must be built through many iterations of improvement to that greatness.  "A Beautiful Mind" is another worthy of the same spectacle.

So here I am, at the place of the beginning:  I've contemplated 11 years on this invention:  The Human Golem:  A man capable of withstanding the great fires of  Venus, the coldest winters of Pluto.  Moving great mountains, and stopping every comet in our way.

I move forward with this project to give humanity a choice.  Will you use it to destroy yourselves as you fear, or will you use it to bring humanity to new and greater places?

If we don't build it, How will we will know where humanity goes.

I can only build and watch humanity's path.

Canada's stupid ignorance about American Gun Laws.

So I'm currently infuriated by several of my Canadian friends about their posts on American Gun laws that they do not understand.

The infuriating part is their own personal ignorance about how closely Canadian and American gun laws match!

#1)  All guns must be registered SOMEWHERE!  If you want to buy a gun in both countries, it has to be recorded and reported.  Whether the shop dealer does his paper work right or not is a matter of discretion on the owner, and enforcement by the government.

#2) Automatic weapons ARE NOT legally available in America.  Not in most states that I know of, and only to Law Enforcement and Military personnel ONLY.  Guess what Canada, it's exactly the same as you!  As an example, Discovery's Sons of Guns builds automatic weapons ALL the time, but their customer is just about always law enforcement, security detail, or Military (Veteran and active).  Everybody else that gets a weapon from them is Semi-ONLY.  The Sandyhook weapon.  An AR-15 Colt Bushmaster is a SEMI-ONLY Rifle.  You can buy the same thing, with the a lower power .22 calibre, IN CANADA for $1200 and a gigantic 20rd mag for it by default!

#3) Bad storage of weapons:  Sandyhook was SPECIFICALLY caused by 2 things:  Failing to diagnose and treat the perpetrator of is illness.  Failing to PROPERLY STORE YOUR FIREARMS.  This type of failure IS NOT SPECIFIC to the USA.  It is a careless mistake made by a lazy individual, who was not vigilant in their safe keeping.  This can, and does happen in Canada too!  The Driftwood shooting was caused by a teenager who joined a gang, and took his dad's gun because the Dad didn't store it safely away.  Why is CANADA letting these lazy individuals get licences to guns?!

My personal experience with storage:
I "only" have a library of Airsoft Guns, and 3 Airguns.  Compared to my farmer friends, it's harmless!  However, if I think about the ignorant use of them by any random person that doesn't know what they're doing, I lock them up, I keep their magazines out. I put ammunition so far away, it'll take you 30 minutes to find a round and pop it into a gun.  I even spend the money to buy Firearms Grade Lockers to store them in.  I buy Trigger Locks for Airguns because I don't want ANYONE I don't trust to touch them. The only guns that are out, are deactivated guns that are broken.  They don't shoot, they are in pieces .  It is not required by law for me to store them this way, and most airsofters DON'T store them like that.  However, I do so because I want to be safe.

BTW, if you don't store your firearms properly in Canada, it's a criminal offense, and you will get fined and charged for it.

#4) Stolen and Smuggled Guns:  This is a problem with BOTH Countries.  Organized Crime is not specific to America, it is a problem in many nations, and in many forms.  What's so special about America?  It's on the news, vs NOT on the news.  So Canada not telling its citizens about a gun smuggling problem makes it ok, and America reporting to its citizens to be vigilant about it isnt ok?  If you personally like your head in the sand, then go ahead.  I like to watch out and not be near that stray bullet heading for me thank you very much.

So basically the frustration for me comes from ignorance.  Go read up on the specifics, and understand specifics that you don't know.  What gun did they use, and compare it to what the news compared it to.  See the differences and similarities.  Go understand the actual laws, and see whether it was systematic error, or personal error.  Go understand the cultural significance of things like the 2nd Amendment, and the culture of country the disaster is happening in.  You don't have to absorb the culture, but be able to  understand things like why American Cars are Big, Luxurious and Baroque, vs Economical, Functional and "plain."  THEN decide whether your original impression (not even opinion, because that is worth seeing and debating about) of the small newspaper article shooting is legitimate for posting on Facebook.

The beauty of Love and Friendship.

So it's the end of my short week long vacation in Hong Kong.  It is short considering I spent 2 days travelling, so it could be thought of more as a 5-day vacation with 2 journeys to go with it.

I would first like to congratulate Cherry Kwan for her successful and amazing marriage.  May you have many anniversaries and happy years together!

Secondly, I would like to thank her again for the reason that this trip has given me a new experience in life.  For once in my lifetime, or long long ago, in a faraway place, I have felt the love and care of my family.

Thirdly, I would like to thank my friends I've come to see on this trip.  Yes, there was a ton of catching up to do, but even after all of that, the experiences of Hong Kong were great, and it's challenged my own personal way of life.  Perhaps the future will be brighter, and I won't be alone climbing that mountain we call life.

Dangers of dreaming

So recently I went to see Lindsey Stirling at a concert and one of the key messages of her concert is to not let life compose you, but make yourself that composer. It'll be hard, and it will be painful, but the reward will be life changing and unforgettable.

I absolutely love the message, which is why I'm a huge fan of hers. However, the band before her for the cover of the concert gave a grave message of being morally responsible. Especially to engineers and scientists.

At first, I was very offended at having my 2 greatest professions being singled out and openly blamed for the world going astray.

However, I understand their viewpoint, and I can only be apologetic for the bad consequences that followed some of our major developments.

In contrast to the bad, there is good. Many of America's reactors are actually converted nuclear weapons, and the internet has gone well beyond its initial military application and become a key component in peoples' ability to connect with others.

So why am I so sad or vividly affected by the messages of these 2 artists?

Because my dream could aid a very small portion of society, but it can also change the way we look at how scary and powerful we have come.

Let's get straight to the point between science, engineering and literature.

The concept in question I like to know it as the race to the Great Golem.

The Golem in the most modern sense would be the following science fiction characters and concepts:

Mobile Suit Gundam
Ironman
Mech Warrior

The idea being an armored shell that does not require a man's strength to wield, but possess the strength of Hercules, and the speed of Pegasus.

So far in this world we've had prototype concepts, fan cosplays, and even ludicrous statues with minor motion (Controls engineering term for very simple single axis rotation).

However, my dream is not just these "piddly" prototype toys that I arrogantly scoff at.  But something that can be mass produced, something that can be available for everyone.  So when my friends show me the great successes of professors, PhDs, Masters build 1 giant robot, build 1 human support system.  I laugh because when they built it, they didn't think about how to maunfacture it, how to simplify it's super complicated systems into something simple and repeatable.  They just built it to show off how much knowledge these few people have.  Well, I'm sorry to tell you elite few, but everyone has access to the same amount of knowledge, and can put it all together over 10 years of our personal spare time.

I'm not here to be that type of innovator.  I am here to be the next Henry Ford.  The one to mass produce something that people demand in the Great Golem.

It's a great and ambitious vision, but I have held myself back because of Moral Responsibility about the consequences of a mass produced Self-propelled suit of armor.

I would generaly state the Pros first, but let's be honest, most people will see the Cons way before the Pros.

Cons:
Intensify War by requiring stronger weapons to penetrate these new Armored Infantry troops.

The sheer volume of potential damage 1 of these suits can do to the general public is horrific.  Look at the IronMan universe.  Tony Stark had 1 suit, and he breaks himself out of a Taliban Mountain.  The series continues as the technology proliferates, the world gets crazier and harder to keep in order.  People get hurt badly or even die.

These Cons are so big, that it would be easier for governments to deal with "drones" than to invest in a system making "super-human" possible.

Pros:
Parapelgics, and other Physical disabilities can be aided, by external control, or internal cybernetics.  I'm personally not one for cybernetics like the Borg, but I know others who are, and I do support their endeavours.

PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) can be improved.  Imagine Fukushima occuring again, but instead of having suits that will only take so little radiation, why not build a powered-suit that is impervious to radiation?

Build Construction suits that allow personnel the impossibility of getting crushed under mines, or falling buildings.  Truly Hazard proof equipment suits for any need.

Unfortunately, these Pros, don't exactly outweigh the cons, and they come with their own individual ethical and cost effectiveness questions.

And so I ask you the society, where would you like me to go with my dream?

6 month review

So 6 months go by, and I'm still working at the same place I use to.  However, they've moved me to the great United States of America to work on short term contracts.

It's great to learn new things about industry, and to travel.  However, I still don't have time to work on my new toy which is my CNC machine sitting in my garage in Canada and doing nothing.  I bought the huge thing, but the house is such a mess that I have no where to install it...  Epic sadness.

Today's post though is more a reflection and response to other bloggers that have been going through difficult times.  Specifically daughters of Chinese families who are at the stage where they are leaving their parents for a new life.   I would usually make a comment on them, but I felt it inappropriate to do such a thing when my condolence was literally "suck it up, think hard, and make a decision between your family and the one you love.  "

Of which I know it is impossible for them to even try and make such a decision because they are, unlike me, close to their family.

Side note:  These bloggers have never actually failed to the point where they can't get up or they have to start over from many years back.  Admittedly I think it is a good thing to fail once in your lifetime pursuing a dead end, so that you can properly find your true direction and self.

So for those leaving your parents, or feeling shackled by them, here's a cheesy saying of advice.

Do not think about the consequences, or their reactions, but feel what is in your heart, and decide what is best from there.  Life is not short these days anymore.  You have time to make mistakes and truly find yourself through them. 



Here would be the back story as to why I would think of such a thing, rather than be able to relate and offer a nicer condolence.

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A year has gone by, and a lot has happened and changed since my last post.

I do road rage a lot now, even if I have time to spare/burn.  Everyone can thank Detroit for spoiling me with decent road conditions while I was there for a whole week. 

College is finally over, and my program coordinator did do his job.  I have a job too now! 

It's great to have a job, and I guess I understand a little more, the importance of job security.  Especially since my job has that underlying clause of "you can quit anytime, but that also means we can fire you anytime. "

I guess I would rant about the things that bug me as I have in most of the posts from before, but I don't really have a lot to complain about. 


I have a job, it pays very well.
Work itself is more stellar, than it is a pain. 

Game with friends
Airsoft occasionally when I can rally people once every 2 months (rage when they bail).
Fencing twice a week.
Wing Chun every saturday.
House maintenance every week somewhere in the week.


Although despite all this, I'm not quite exactly that chipper happy.  I am in that point of contentment where my stress level hasn't been this low in a long time.  It's borderline "lazy mode" stress levels. 

Right now just off the top of my head at 3:30AM I can say that I'm missing 2 things. 

My own personal sense of fulfillment, and someone to share that feeling with. 

That's all for now ... OH and 1 more thing!

I will post about my future endeavours when it arrives, or I have more concrete plans and equpment.  It'll be great, it'll be epic, and it'll still provide for me in the case of the "we can fire you anytime" part.  

It's been 2 weeks since I came back, and everything still feels foreign to me all of a sudden. Well not everything, but I feel like I'm a different person from before I "ran away" from home. Physically the home has improved when I got back. Things are getting cleaned, and tripping over a wrench is now not the first thing to happen when I get home.

Spiritually/mentally/emotionally/personality I'm not sure which "blah-wise" it is, but it feels those around me are much farther, much meaner, more selfish, and definitely less appreciative than before. Did I offend everyone when I left to find work out of province?

I'll call this my selfishness because it is me ranting about others.

My so called "College comradiere" that I valued so much last year doesn't seem to be there anymore.

I work so hard to communicate with people, and it literally takes me 5 phone calls, 5 e-mails, and 5 texts to get 1 response from people, and they still complain that I don't talk to them? Check your messages, check your mail (and read it properly), check your phone that you don't pick up. I understand if you don't check while at work because you're not suppose to. At least have the decency though to call back, or text back, or RSVP to an e-mail that requests it.

That's not just 1 person by the way, it's just about 2/3 of my so called "Platoon. " They suddenly seemed to have lost their discipline with replying to messages when I left. Maybe it's summer, maybe it's work during summer. I'm not sure, but I'm getting tired of having to book an event, then cancel it twice in a row so far. This upcoming one will be my last attempt, and if it fails I'm just going to go postal on them the next time I see them all.

Problems that are occuring: People continuously keep ditching me. I work hard to gather a our group of 16, I only managed 8 as of yesterday. Today on the weekend of our small training session, 3 ditch me for
a) a surprise decision to go on a trip to niagara.
b) they want a ride from their place 2 and a half hours away, and in the opposite direction from their home, all the way to the event, and back. I'm sorry I won't drive 9 hours just for you and I won't hold the rest of the world up for you too.
c) Suddenly deciding to accelerate your move out this weekend (reasonable one, but it's on the list because it was an on the fly decision without him considering what he was already doing this weekend).

There was 1 good sacrifice, but I am genuinely sorry that it was in vain: 1 of the guys was going to skip a day of work to go with us. I am truly sorry for cancelling, and I really do appreciate his efforts for trying hard to be with us.

As for the others, I guess it's easy to be wishy-washy when the guy that takes it is as squishy and bounces right back when it comes to taking rejections and ditches.

I don't even get as much as a sorry for ditching...

The other problem would be communication: E-mails,texts, phone calls. They can all be ignored. Even conversation is difficult because all you have to do is change the subject, or the most annoying, is to not give a clear answer so the decision would be on the fence, and people have that option to ditch. Luckily for those people it's only been happening online. If it were in person I'd straight up suckerpunch them in anger now.

How hard is it to make a schedule, and commit to it? How hard is it to maneuver new things you add to the schedule around your previously booked events? How hard is it to give a heads up that you are ditching, or can't gather with us? Perhaps it is difficult for many. Most likely it has to do what one values the most. These are reasonable reasons.

I just wish people were more considerate of how much hard work goes into the organization of these events, and the time and commitment people put into getting together, and moving their schedules/lives around so we can get together. Ditching is not just a slap in the face for me, but for everyone of us that are in on this.


That would be part 1
I guess I have changed quite a bit over the past 6 weeks. My hope and expectation that people are considerate of each other is back. I'm not as pessimistic about the reliability of people. Maybe I should be? Well I'm definitely angry about it. Yes I care about how others act when I shouldn't, I shouldn't let it bug me, unfortunately their actions affect me, so it bugs me.

I can afford to be patient. My sister mentioned that I'm definitely not "Torontonian" because I'm patient around bad drivers in the city, and my driving is very passive. I'm not slow, but if we're all jammed up because of 3 cars blocking the road by driving the speed limit. I'll just tag behind until I get off the road and take an alternative route. I won't get angry in my car, or yell complaints, etc. Also I don't mind taking a passive route that uses minimal lane changes, and minimal turns.

It's lazier, it might be slower, but if we don't pack our day to the max with things to do, and give ourselves more than enough time to travel between places. You can afford to do that. You can afford to not be stressed because you're going to be tardy. Instead you can be at ease that you'll still be on time, maybe still be early and just relax in the car.

Yet from my rant at the beginning, I am a city slicker. I need a response from people. It needs to be instant, or atleast a solid response, and as early as possible. That OCD for order, and solid information I would say makes me stressed and angry like the city person.

So the last time I posted was last year just about.

Only reason why I'm here is so I don't fuck up and offend somebody again.

I was selfish, unempathetic, hypocritical, and unreasonable. i'm sorry, for what i said and i hope you can forgive me.

now that was about an hour before my fight with dad and the apology is directed to a friend i hurt the night before.

now my hand hurts from my dad antagonizing me to the point that we had a physical fight.

i'm human, i'll try my best to fix my mistakes, but i can't guarantee i won't mess up again.

i'm sorry too for all the mistakes i made and will make, and i only wish that my apologies can be accepted and that we can work together to fix them.

unfortunately bearing the burdens of another is too difficult for many, so right now, i am by myself with this.

It's the new year, and a new start? Not really if you left things behind in the previous year.

Anyways I just overheard my sister screaming like a female Chef Ramsay at my brother for his "sloppy work" in doing a job that she hired him to do.

I feel it's unreasonable though considering all she asked him to do was "check the mail everyday, put it all together in a pile, and scan things for me. "

So that's what he did, he checked the mail, even when we knew there was no mail. He put it in a pile, it's messy and out of date order, and with junk mail, but it's a pile. He scanned things, when he was asked to because how are we to know what's what? He did what he was told.

Sister comes back after 4 months and blows a gasket because they're not categorized, because they're not ordered, because my brother skipped December, because he whined about getting paid because he hasn't been paid for 4 straight months (since wiring money is too expensive), because it didn't make her life easier.

My parents already told her to calm down and to also retract her rants a bit because she didn't stipulate properly what was required. She was general on her procedure, and she got a general output.

She's been home for 2 weeks, and hasn't paid my brother at all and keeps yelling that she'll pay him when she has time and is not busy. Now she's leaving in a day and a night, and so I can understand my brother is feeling anxious about getting paid because if she leaves without paying him, that's not owing up properly.

Anyways just a story to note the simple things that aggrevate us.

I am very very tired.

Tired in the manner of being unmotivated and just general down and out.

Reasons why:

Life is changing, and it has happened so fast that I didn't start feeling the implications of things changing until yesterday/today (which is about 3-4 days after it started).

That change is that I might move to Vancouver for work, which means abandoning college here, means abandoning any plans I had here with my heavy involvement of extra-curriculars, and from my previous track record of things, dropping off a lot of connections I have here. Some of which I spent time to actually work in.

Now it's not going to happen immediately, and it's not even guaranteed, I'm only on the 2nd level of screening, and there's more after it. So there's still a pretty good possibility I'm not going to even get in. Plus from what I checked, I'm spending 1200 on plane and hotel to do the 2nd screening test (not even counting food yet). So it's a big gamble of all or nothing considering that's all I have left for money too.

The other thing is that I lost 15-8 to my student in a proper fencing duel. Did my best, started to panic, started to do crazy things (which worked better than some of my usual stuff, and I got reprimanded for it to not do crazy things), but basically I lost and cracked under the pressure of the fear of loss before it even ended. So what's so significant about it? Well, this duel was suppose to be at our true best, our 100%, everything we've got, and I put everything I got into it, and I couldn't change anything. The challenger did the same things over and over again, the same bad habits they were doing, that they do best at, the same weakness that I never amended. It was a match of who could poke each other closer distances, and the shorter one always wins. Well, now I've lost confidence in my teaching, whether I'll still be respected as a teacher, and I can't see anything good in me about fencing anymore, why should I stay if I can't teach that much? Why should I stay if I can't even perform well?

I feared that a non-friendly "Go all out" duel would do a number on the loser, be it my challenger or I would get hit hard emotionally/mentally from this. AND IT HAPPENED! I feel like utter shit. I never have duels, I just spar, and play around because I don't want to hurt people or myself mentally/emotionally. I've lost control before, and it has REALLY BAD outcomes as a) we know from previous posts here about me wishing death on family members, and me actually hurting people (giving cuts to people) when it was the wrong time and place for things. When I'm in tournaments, I'm still not "serious." I'm still just playing a game, not actually fighting. Which was why my first offense was using my off-hand as a tool for parrying. I was in the mindset of a true duel. I had this 1 specific duel in the name of helping my student (the challenger), and it helped them, at my own personal cost of self-esteem and pride.

Another pointer for possible bummer syndrome is fear of losing respect from that person, and losing that person as a student.

My archery hasn't changed a lot too for the past 4 months, I hit target, but never consistent on where I hit, so I'm at a plateau, and can't get better.

I haven't shot pistol in ages, and it only improves sporadically because it's like a beginner that's starting up, Going from zero to 1 is an infinite improvement.

Perhaps it is time to lay down my arms, and move to something else, whatever ordinary people do I guess, or whatever else I find that tickles my fancy.

It's a possibility I'm just taking things too seriously, or too deeply, but, if it happens it just does.

Just another repeating bad day.

It's like watching reruns on TV, except there's no channel switch, and there's no off button.

I just finished going through my posts, and if you look at Sept 22, basically it was almost an exact rerun of that day.

-late for class (didn't miss it this time),
-usual classes
-go home, eat, wonder why all the lights are on, and the fans running. It's wasting a lot of energy ...
-get a ride from dad (big mistake), and he rages about me upgrading to windows 7
Well it was 40$ instead of the 120$
-get treated like a baby on paper, as he writes with rage on notes and notes of paper.

Why do I always get ratted out for my spendings, and I don't rat anyone else out for theirs? Because it's trivial, and we all know there are consequences later. Opportunity costs, we buy something now, we wait longer for other things. How hard of a concept is that? How come that doesn't sink into his head that I don't mind waiting for things. He wants to push an LCD monitor ($200) on me for some reason ... I don't want it. I keep saying I don't want it...

Is it not surprising I find myself frustrated about being raged on about spending small amounts over periods of time, and he wants to burst it on big items?

Now my frustration accidentally manifested itself into a murderous intent. We had our argument in the car, and right when I was getting off to go to fencing. I had to spend at least half an hour meditating and breathing to calm myself down from taking it out on students that I'm coaching. Let 1 slip up and yelled at the regulars for being slower than the beginners getting their armor on (and today was the first day for beginners to put the full suit on).

Luckily though, teaching has been one of those relievers of emotional stress. I calmed down by the end of practice, and was back to most of my usual self. I let my students pound at an obnoxious nose to the sky charade of me, and it felt good that they were able to focus themselves to defeat that charade, and with the things I was teaching them today.

Archery, I was totally off my game, because my focus had not yet come back, and didn't until the last volley. I just didn't want to go home. I was contemplating asking a res friend if I could stay at their place, but I have come home still to find that complaint paper.

Home is not a place of retreat for me, it's a place of war and battle. I am more at ease, marching through the city, carrying my education, carrying my hobbies, and carrying myself through society. I always think about the idea of camping out in the city. Why? Probably because it's the real cheapest way to live and it is the most mobile for one who doesn't own a car.

The incomplete circle of goals, success, and progress.

So it's midterm season, and I'm doing quite well so far. However, one of the main downers was last weekend when I went to competition. I didn't do badly in the round-robin matches, but my elimination round, I was practically a target dummy to my opponent and for the first time in my fencing career, defeated in less than 3 minutes.

So one of the first things that I was thinking about was just how well I applied, the different styles I learned. It works on slow people, and on dumb people that react. However, what about average people and the intelligent adversaries? We never tried things out on them, in other words we never tried things out in reality.

I realized that and was quite concerned with a more general theme where my colleagues are content with the results we got from just the people we tried it on, and just the people we were around. One of them even blinds himself to saying he's expanding it by teaching it to people in the club. I applaud his effort, but he fails to be capable of having things spread beyond him. I'll ask him later, why he doesn't compete. Why doesn't he show the larger community that actually counts and will make a difference in changing the face of fencing? I believe he stopped being competitive was because he mentioned that the competitive community is stubborn, and arrogant and not accepting. Which isn't true considering things are still changing in the community.

So I was disappointed about our lack of progress and blindness to what progress really is. We set the goals, we succeeded in achieving them, so in conclusions we made some progress. That's great, but we stopped now.

So my busy life continued, and next up came archery. 1 of the members there, she's been practicing since the start of the club, but has only begun to consistently hit the target. She was happy, we all cheered/teased. Today though I was giving pointers on things to look out for. Something to check when she's next in practice. She didn't quite understand. So when I did finish explaining it was relatively labourous. I tried something different then. Trying to get her to understand, the variability that skews an archer's aim. If she understands the difficulties, she can understand what can be fixed. What she can work on, without relying on the coach to give her a foreign concept to learn and work at.

She got royally pissed at me for being tedius, and that I should "you tell the student THIS IS wrong, you do it that way." I personally don't teach this way because

a) it insults the students frequently and not everyone can take it.
b) it spoon feeds the learning material. The student will never learn unless the coach is there.
c) Kind of a corallary to b), is that the student will never learn to think independently.

We moved on from that subject, and I warned her not to get comfortable with her achievement on monday. She can be happy, but she has to remember to not stop and keep going. It was a warning, and she took it as my assumption that she is. So she became angry again, and with all the dramatics to follow. I was consistently trying to correct her misunderstanding and apologize for my incoherence.

She became very emotional, and I gave up on trying to reason with her.

Different case, similar problem,

We set goals, we progress and achieve them, shouldn't we look towards more progress, better and higher achievements besides our immediate little world?

Like that Desjardin commercial. "Just because something's invented, does it mean we stop there? No, we knew we could do better. "

So I'm sacrificing precious sleep, for a post. This post I'd say is relatively important in my life.

I've actually become indifferent to the yelling and screaming, and anger that my Dad shows towards anything I do against him. This is different in that I usually take it personally, that I'm a failure, that I'm a loser, that I'm a dreamer. Plus all his arguments to corner me into admitting defeat. Usually I just get all depressed and well like last time I think that happened, I wanted to kill myself.

So what's different about today? Well let's recount the day's events shall we?


I woke up on time, but I didn't prepare the night before (Fencing blades, Bow, laptop, notes, textbook), so I became horribly late, and missed my English class. I went to my labs, had no trouble there, and I actually stayed relatively awake during lecture, when the teacher has less knowledge about polymers than I do. The subunits of a polymer are called "Monomers" not "mers ..."

Bussed it back to York, talked to Kendo, watched Defying Gravity (not sure I want to continue, because there were things I wanted to ask about. Such as why would someone tell a story about their experience with an alien object instead of explaining detailed specifics of it during a Mission Briefing?) on his laptop since he offered, and then went to go teach fencing.

Made an awful mistake during footwork by asking Jeff (during the practice instead of off practice) what he thought of the new suicidal maneuver that Fred was teaching. Eventually, though Fred explained to me why he was showing it, and that his emphasis was on recognition and adaptation, and not usage. Simple enough, got complaints from Fred that Jeff is teaching stuff that students aren't capable of. I was teaching 1 student that was asking for help in certain maneuvers, and then before I knew it, 3 hours flew by like nothing. Strained my right ankle a little, but other than that I'm fine physically.

Archery practice was cancelled to my dismay, got fencers to sign up and check off a preferred day, and got 1 old member to come back. Talked to Suke about the area, how it functions, and he was amused, but already committed to fencing. "Not a problem" I said and thought. Packed up, and well marched my way home for the last leg of my Journey (with a lot of gear) for the day. March as in a light leisure but rhythmic walk.

I get home, and dad is cleaning a spill he made in the oven. Basically he was making roast beef with a roast too big for the dish and it spilled everywhere in the oven when it fell over. Oh well, it happens when we're unprepared, and he cleaned it up. He went to talk to me about all the options there are to eating food, in orders, in whatever. He saw the monitor box, and asked what it was. I told him the plain truth, he raged, he yelled, he insulted. I simply understood what he was saying, or commanding, did the switch back to my old one, and well ... it just hit me after the storm.

I didn't feel bad. I knew it was coming, I knew I couldn't explain circumstances (last one in stock, it was cheap, its from FactoryDirect). I just let him rage, leave, and I continued to do what I was doing, made the fix.

Indifference is what I felt. I didn't care about most of his rant. Simply did what he asked, and went on my way. I know it's a bad thing, especially because he's my biological father that did take care of me. I've been told that Indifference is the opposite of love. It's something my dad expressed to my mom awhile back when the first charade fell, and that big fat nuclear bomb exploded known as divorce. Neither of them are going to, they care too much about something that we have now to risk breaking it.

However, when your kids start having the same indifferent feeling for their parents. Isn't that dangerous too? My parents are more foreign to me than my acquaitances and friends. I think I might just drift away, dissociate from them like I do people I don't spend the effort to see anymore.

It's different from the conflicts of my relatives. They all ran away from a significantly large conflict. Dad and grandpa for career conflicts, aunt and cousin because of some big argument and she simply picked up and left. Those are the only 2 circumstances I can think of right now. Otherwise, the families have been together for the most part. Dad and sister though keep our family from heading to outings with the rest of the family. I know it's because those 2 fight everyone else, and the extended family. It usually comes down to what my sister portrays as jealousy, my dad as attitude, and well I think is just their stubbornness.

As Cherry told me while I write this,
"i think there are some fundamental differences in thinking and you've tried to explain to them and it didn't work and u tried again and it still didn't work no choice but to let them be sometimes"

You know what, I think I started a bit of that today.

Lacking sleep sucks,

I'm grumpy, and a little more frustrated than I usually feel.

a) Info about OSAP for first timers I didn't know money was being wired to my account. I thought it's just being mailed like tax credits. I'm glad I came prepared though.

b) High tension with parents because that happy dandy last post was a facade, which collapsed really badly. Now they're putting up obvious acts and charades to each other so they don't get on each other's nerves with their real selves.

c) My teacher for Chinese sword is biased towards his "realistic" fighting for survival context vs the sport fencing context. I tried speaking to him about the good things that have come about by introducing some of the techniques of his training that worked in sport training. Worked so well, the fencers enjoyed it and voluntarily decided to work on it for themselves. Even though they still view fencing as a sport or as for fun, he scoffs them off as being people he can't help, and that they're warping the "true" ("spirit" was my interpretation) meaning of the techniques. I was appalled that he didn't have anything good to say about their growth. It's all because of the arrogance of "I do this to survive" vs "I do this for fun. " I don't think I'm going to use a sword in a prepared combat situation, I think my pistol and rifle training have more application than that.

d) explaining to my brother the way things are, vs the way things are ideally suppose to be. Also explaining the idea that people think differently, have different perspectives, they don't think like him, they believe in different things. I'm annoyed that his mind is so very narrow that he can't fathom or understand why a person wouldn't believe in God. Or our ability to identify with characters from let's say an anime. He criticized so much about the differences between the anime's reality of physics and astronomy compared to our reality of physics and astronomy (of which a lot of his babble on astronomy I keep reminding him is JUST THEORY, and not confirmed). IT'S A PIECE OF ART! YOU'RE GOING FOR LIBERAL ARTS AND YOU CAN'T understand that it is fiction and it has been made different from our world to add that fantasy element of "hmmm I wish I could fix my clock with just some scribbles on the ground and a clap of my hands? "

Anyways my babble is done, sleep is good!

The Doctor is like life.

1 bit of time things are all fine and dandy, the next there's chaos and destruction and hate everywhere! Also who's to say that "bit of time" has a specific regimented separation, it could be decades, years, days, weeks, minutes, even seconds with no particular value besides let's say x for any number in the real number system!

So anyways not too much to blog besides the following:

I hate York: They fail to inform you properly until you hand stuff in, wait 3 weeks for a letter saying "RE-JECTED GeeGee!"


Before Dad went on vacation from work, he was an absolute ass. Now he's just fine like he's a completely different person. That's not all, mom changed too, and it feels like they're not my parents anymore. They're actually respectable ...

New year is about to start, and guess what? Execs take off ... WTF? You take it easy NOW?! If things were nice and settled beforehand, we wouldn't be tired now when our most crucial time of "put on our happy face and grab people" is upon us.

SO! Instead I went to go shoot crap, forget about the worries of my exec positions and boy was that fun as ever!